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Friday, February 26, 2010

Russ Meyer's Supervixens


Supervixens

In the world that Russ Meyer created there’s no such thing as A cups (or B or C cups for that matter). The king of softcore has particular tastes and he makes it known right from the get go. Huge tits are the name of the game in Supervixens and these vixens are SUPER. Superangel, Superlorna, Supercherry, Superhaji, Supersoul, Supereula and Supervixen to be precise.



Clint is just a poor schlep working at a gas station. His crazy girlfriend calls him constantly and threatens to burn down the house if he doesn’t come home to “service” her. A fight involving an axe leads to angel bringing her cop savior, Harry (Charles Napier to bed. He murders her and makes it look like Clint did it. Clint goes on the lamb, yet somehow manages to find every single big breasted beauty along the way.


Remember me, I played the voice of Duke Phillips on the critic

He goes to a bar, huge tits. He gets picked up while hitchhiking, huge tits. He rents a room at a motel, huge tits. He does some work on a farm; you guessed it, huge tits. What’s most impressive is Clint’s self control at all these women throwing themselves at him. It’s an impressive feat to say the least. His Journey finds him at a truck stop where he meets Supervixen (a spitting image of Superangel, though he seems not to notice) and things go well for a while. And along comes Harry, what happens next is too insane to even describe. This is pretty standard fare for Meyer, what typically starts as a fun romp turns insane. It’s great fun and Meyer never lets you forget this.


Harry's idea of a good time is tying up big tittied ladies and trying to blow them up with dynamite

So grab the kiddies, lock them in the other room and enjoy a fun night of booby watching and crazy antics!



10 out of 10

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Tim Thomerson Day Part 2: Dollman


Dollman

Thirteen inches…with an attitude

Tim Thomerson plays Brick Bardo (a full moon pictures regular); in his world he’s a wise crackin cop on the edge. He packs the most powerful gun in the universe, specially made for him. Dirty Harry’s got nothing on this guy. At the beginning of the film he’s already on suspension from the force for a previous bloodbath he had caused and he stumbles upon a hostage situation in a Laundromat. He dispatches the baddies in a typically gruesome manner and is regarded as a hero.


The baddie in question ties a group of fat women around himself like a fleshy human sheild

Everything turns to shit though when he encounters an old enemy, now just a floating head (that’s all they could salvage after his last encounter with Bardo). Through an unfortunate series of events they wind up blowing a hole in space/time and they wind up on earth where he comes to find out that he’s only thirteen inches high and everyone thinks he’s a toy (dollman…get it). Thankfully his insanely powerful gun is still strong enough to kill full grown people, he discovers this after the local hoods start fucking with him and he takes it upon himself to create a faster way for them to get food to their stomachs (albeit drastically shortening their lifespan).


Post apocalyptic washroom

The leader of the Earth gang (played by Jackie Earle Haley) gets pissed and, having gotten the idea from the floating head, decides to retaliate. Bardo dispatches his men with ease and the leader is left badly hurt, the head patches him up and for his kindness is summarily squished. There’s a final standoff between Haley and the Dollman and I won’t ruin the surprise for you over how things turn out.


Shot taken from the upcoming documentary "Haley: Those years forgotten"...Kidding

Mix together an insane story, half finished special FX (granted this was a screener so it may have been a rough edit), a fresh faced Jackie Earle Haley and Tim Thomerson, who is just awesome as Brick, some friends and a bucket of popcorn and I think you’ll be happy with the results.

8 out of 10

Tim Thomerson Day Part 1: Trancers


At no point in the film do you see Deth wearing that helmet HA!
Trancers

Jack Deth is back…and he’s never even been here before

Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson, quickly becoming one of my favorite B-Movie actors) is a cop from the future. His Job is to hunt down Trancers and he’s the best. A trancer, for those not in the know, is a zombie like killing machine and follower of the evil Whistler. The year is 2247 and Jack has finally managed to “singe” Whistler, or so he thinks. Whistler is alive, however, and has figured out a way to travel back in time to 1985 (into the mind of one of his ancestors). Now it’s up to Deth to go back and mop up the mess.


PEW PEW!

This pre-full moon release by Charles Band and the full moon guys is a stunning example of what these people are capable of. Trancers is an all around fun time sci-fi fantasy featuring a great cast, an interesting story premise and enjoyable dialog. A young Helen Hunt plays Jack’s love interest and aside from Thomerson is the most enjoyable aspect of the film. The chemistry between Jack and Lenna (hunt) is palpable and when the film ends you’ll find yourself happy for the characters.


Oh to be held by Deth

There’s not really a whole lot going on in Trancers, but what is there is a lot of fun. If you don’t find the idea of a man named Deth killing psychotic zombies and hunting down the missing ancestors of his high counsel fun, then you sir are missing the fun receptors in the brain! Quality fare like this is few and far between sometimes in the world of straight to video action so eat it up while you can get it. Does Deth track down whistler and the ancestors and save the day or is everything fucked and future ruined? See for yourself!


Tell me this isn't the coolest Toy ever

8 out of 10

"Dry hair's for squids." - Jack Deth

P.S. Trancers is one of those series that seemed to last forever. There are 6 official Trancers Movies and Jack Deth has appeared in other Full Moon Pictures, most Notably Evil Bong (Tagline: "Dude, it's one SCARY trip!")

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Stone Cold


Nope...

*sigh* No...

YES!
Stone Cold

The BOZ, football “superstar” turned actor turned walking punch line. The bemulleted tough guy stars in the, much funnier than I remember, Stone Cold. I’m surprised the mullet didn’t get it’s own billing; it’s almost as much of a character as Bosworth is. Joe Huff is your typical rogue cop (on the edge) currently on suspension for some unnamed offense; he finds himself at the right place at the right time and stops a robbery. Somehow because of this the FBI wants him to go undercover in a local biker gang and if he refuses he’ll find his suspension extended to six months without pay (because all very legal right?)

Joe (ne John Stone) figures the easiest way to get into the gang is to start showing up and beating people up. Boz literally spends 85% of this flick punching dudes in the face or shooting them or stabbing them. The gang he’s trying to bust into is called the brotherhood. They’re a ragtag bunch of nazi (though not skinhead) scum with some of the most ridiculous names ever put to film; chains, gut, hooter, one-eye, ice and about a dozen others. I’m surprised they managed to finish this thing without laughing in every scene.


The Boz

The gang’s leader is chains (Lance Henriksen, remember that name, you’ll be hearing it a lot around these parts), his right hand man is Ice (William Forsythe, who always delivers A+ performances). Stone, after seemingly very little effort, gets invited into the brotherhood and before long is in deep with these bastards. For the next 20 minutes it’s Bosworth beating up guys and running missions for the brotherhood, but before long Ice gets hip to the “pretty boy” stone and stone has to take him out. Despite his best efforts to keep himself in deep cover one fatal mistake from his initiation comes back to bite him in the ass.


Gratuitous shot of puppet Kim Jong Il?

Stone cold’s climax has Bosworth’s mullet taking out the gang members one at a time while he sits in the corner eating a Popsicle. Every baddie gets their just desserts and we all live happily ever after, except the couple dozen guys who died in the process. Arguably Stone Cold is one of Bosworth’s best and is a must see for fans of the nazi biker undercover cop genre. Alone or with friends, a good time will be had.


(Pictured: the star of the film, I meant the mullet)

7 out of 10

Monday, February 22, 2010

My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 8 - Already?

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

HERE is a reminder about my rating system for these films

Let's see what we pull out of our bag o'tricks this week...

Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer – Unrepentant

What is the movie about?
Henry takes a very minimalist approach to its filmmaking. The main cast is only three or four people and several extras playing corpses. Henry (Michael Rooker) is a serial killer, as the name implies. He has a system for not getting caught. We’re introduced to his work very early in the film and essentially the entire film is Henry living life as a serial killer. He makes a few personal relationships that all go to hell. It’s one of the few movies I’ve ever seen where only one person survives the entire thing. I’ll leave it to you to find out who.

Was the film disturbing?
There isn’t much to Henry: Portrait of a serial killer so this will be a pretty short write up. Yes, Henry is a very disturbing film. Not in the traditional sense though. It’s disturbing in the sense that it gives you an unprecedented view into the mind of a serial killer. Henry tries to make friends, he even tries to take one under his wing and make him like Henry. That man’s name is Otis. Otis in many ways is more insane that Henry, this is one of the reasons why Henry is so disturbing. It shows one man murdering for no discernable reason with no remorse and no conscience.



Let’s get back to Otis for a second. Otis is the character in Henry that you will cheer when he dies. He is scum and aside from his awesome hat there are no redeemable qualities to the man. The scenes where Henry is trying to bring Otis into the fold are the most disturbing. Otis and Henry attack a family in their home and videotape it. They kill the family; But Otis isn’t just interested in murder like Henry. He wants a piece of the action and he doesn’t care who it’s from. It takes Henry pulling him off to stop Otis from having himself a little necrophilia party. Otis also on several occasions tries to kiss, touch and eventually rape his sister, the latter being the scene of his eventual demise. Otis is the most terrifying character in the film because he shows us true human nature. Henry doesn’t suffer from this because the only thing urging him on is the will to kill. Otis on the other hand is interested in greed and in sex.


Otis and Henry, uh, sitting in a tree? K-I-S-S-I-N-G?

Henry: Portrait of a serial kill is one of those classics of the genre that you really need to do yourself a favor and watch it. It’s a great movie even if it’ll make you feel a little less towards your fellow man after you’re done with it.


Dead

5 incestuous rapes out of 5

Disturbitude: 7, There are some pretty brutal deaths in this and despite it’s age, it still manages to get into your head. You’re never going to be the same person after you watch this, but the damage should be minimal. No therapy for me yet, though I have a feel about what’s…

Next up: Martyrs – Bear witness

P.S. You’ll understand why I say unrepentant after you watch the movie

Friday, February 19, 2010

Munchies!


Munchies

After any genre has become established it’s not long after you start getting the rip offs and spoofs. Munchies is a bland mediocre spoof of the killer little animal genre established with the classic Gremlins and ripped off many times over by the likes of Ghoulies, Troll and Critters. By the time Munchies hit the theaters gremlins had already come and gone and sequels had been planned, for that matter Ghoulies, Troll, Critters and their respective sequels were being worked on. The problem with most spoofs is that they tend to not be all that funny and in that area Munchies delivers in spades.


The puppets are beyond terrible, they make the Elves in Elves look like Rick Baker masterpieces

Harvey Korman (staple of the spoof genre) plays duel roles as twins Simon (an archeologist and the finder of the titular furbags) and his evil brother Cecil (maker of snack foods made with only the finest nuclear waste money can buy). Simon makes it a family affair by entrusting the Munchie (now dubbed Arnold) to his wannabe stand up comedian son Paul and his girlfriend Cindy. He of course promptly loses him to Cecil’s bumbling stepson “Dude” who of course manages to get himself murdered by them (now numbering four because we learn that cutting them up just multiplies them, not kills them). The chase that ensues is actually kind fun, if not incredibly dumb. Once the chase is over though the film takes on the pacing of cold molasses trying to move up the side of a glacier. It’s borderline painful to watch at this point, even the usually very funny Korman can’t save it with his actually quite funny quips “Toxic waste is America’s greatest resource”.


Rest in peace you magnificent bastard, you'll be remembered for your good films...trust me

Once they discover how to take the little turds out Paul makes pretty quick work of them. The secret waste storage center is discovered in Cecil’s underground hidden cave so he is arrested and Paul saved one of the statues that the Munchies become to try to explain to his father what happens. It turns out that the statue is considered a prized archeological artifact and Simon gets an offer for it for mucho dinero and at the end of the day everything is looking up for Simon, Paul and Cindy.

Munchies did a hell of a job of making itself seem like a fun little horror spoof romp, but frankly the dialog they give the Munchies is about as fun as watching paint dry and the one genuine laugh I had was due to one of the cops running face first into a rock face wall, now THAT was funny. If asked I would say, maybe skip this one and watch critters 2 again which is at least unintentionally funny OR watch Gremlins again, which is an all around much better film. This is seriously one of Roger Corman’s worst and that’s saying a lot about a man who literally has thousands of crappy films to his name.


For shame Mr. Corman...For shame

2 out of 10

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Rhinestone


Rhinestone

“Budweiser you created a monster and they call me Drinkenstein”

In the annals of history every now and again there comes a film so bad it earns the distinction of being “the worst movie ever made”. Rhinestone is one of these films, but I think with time comes appreciation. Upon watching Rhinestone for a second time nearly seventeen years after the first time I saw it I have to admit, It was a lot of fun. Then again I do have a bit of an affinity for the shitty crap cinema you’ve come to expect from me here.


How could anyone consider THESE bad?

Jake (Dolly Parton, size 40 DD) is a country girl working in a New York honkey tonk (disco?) called the Rhinestone. Her sleaze ball boss Freddie (Ron Leibman) wants her in the sack and she wants out of her deliberately shitbox contract. To this end she proposes a wager; he can pick one normal average New Yorker (I didn’t realize they existed…I kid New York! I kid!) and give her two weeks and she can make him a country music singer. It’s an inspired plot stolen many times over by shitty rom com after shitty rom com, take one person and make them different. Though usually it involves taking the uncool girl and making her the “prom queen”.


The Direction on this film basically went like this "Hey Dolly, more profile please"

Enter Nick, (Stallone post not one, but TWO rocky movies) a NYC cabbie with little appreciation for country music (it’s “worse than liver”). Jake spirits him away down to Tennessee where he gets a crash course in country, She teaches him to walk, talk, “dance”, sing and perform. Stallone looks so out of place on a country stage (even during the big closing scene where he supposedly wins over the crowd) it’s 90% of the unintentional comedy. All the music is written by Dolly Parton so at least you know that’s not going to be awful, just the butchering Stallone does to it.


Hmmm, notice a trend with these pictures?

So come for the country, stay for the “comedy” and enjoy Tim Thomerson’s excellent performance as Barnett Kale, Jake’s ex. It’s a “laugh riot”?


You can make it black and white, but it doesn't make it classy

7 out of 10

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Glen or Glenda?



Glen or Glenda? The movie that Edward D Wood Jr. felt so strong about he cast himself in the lead (for now obvious reasons). Ed Wood is possibly the most notorious director of the last century; my personal opinion is that he’s not the worst. The heart of his material pushes past the technically inept exterior that’s projected on the screen. There are plenty of other directors out there that lack the technical skill like wood does, but also lack his heart.


"Here, it looks better on you"

Glen or Glenda? Is the telling of two tales of men who enjoy women’s clothing, one not as extreme as the other. In Glen’s tale we learn about transvestites and how they function in society. We learn of his dilemma in whether he should tell his fiancĂ©e Barbara about his “condition”. In typical Wood fashion there is a LOT of filler and the story presented is very thin. He deftly adds footage of Bela Lugosi as an overseer of sorts, which are easily the best parts of the film.


“PULL THE STRINGS, PULL THE STRINGS”

The second story is that of Allen who we discover is a “pseudo-hermaphrodite”. For him the only is a sex change, which if you know anything about what this story was originally supposed to be about, this was meant to be the A story. Wood bangs out this story in less than 10 minutes and finds his way back to Glen storyline that he obviously finds more appealing (it allows him to wear more angora). The film features many Wood regulars like Bela Lugosi (well past the prime of his Dracula days), Delores Fuller (who was involved with Wood), Lyle Talbot (future body stand in for Lugosi after he dies) and of course Daniel Davis (Wood Himself).


See, told ya

All in all Glen or Glenda? is a fun look into the mind of a transvestite delivered by a man who knows the subject well. Better to watch with like-minded friends.

6 out of 10

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Green Jello – Cereal Killer


This is less a review and more a “Hey! Remember this thing?” blurb. I was rummaging through the shelves at the local VHS dealer (Time Tunnel in West Haven, CT check it out if you’re in the are and can find the friggin thing) and found it just sitting there so I decided to buy it and watch it for old time sake. I kinda wish I hadn’t. Nostalgia is a good thing some times. I immediately regretted my decision to watch it, it definitely does not live up to my memory of it. I guess they were right Green Jello does suck, guess I should have listened back then. HA!


Not pictured: Tucan son of sam

The only thing of note about Green Jello you might not have known is that the backing vocals on “three little pigs” was done in part by Maynard from Tool. You might even remember they had another song where they mention, “Maynard and poopie are both good names” again they’re mentioned Maynard from Tool. If my memory serves me I believe that’s because he was a friend of the band.



Actually there is one other thing I found amusing, that’s the near perfect spoof of the red hot chili peppers they do with the song “trippin on XTC”. But all in all if you like jokey character based performance metal, frankly you’re better off with GWAR.

At least this didn’t rape my childhood as bad as Revenge of the fallen did.

My Year in Disrubing film: Week 7 - Happy Valentine's day

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

HERE is a reminder about my rating system for these films

Can you beleive we've made it 7 weeks into this thing? Let's see what special movie I picked for that special someone!
oh! A fine pick...

Irreversible – Time destroys all things

What is the movie about?
Irreversible comes from the mind of the French, who have proven time and time again that they do fucked up really well. It’s the story of a woman getting raped and her boyfriend and ex teaming up to find the man who did it. It’s told in reverse order like memento is. It’s a pretty cheap trick used to make revelations that would have been banal if it had been shown in chronological order. That doesn’t mean this is a bad movie. I think as far as actual talent is concerned this may be one of the most artful films on my list. The cast is stellar with Monica Belucci and Vincent Cassell. And the camera work and editing are phenomenal. But the big question is….

Was the film disturbing?
Irreversible has at least two scenes that will damage you, especially if you’ve never seen anything like it before. I’ll get to those in a minute though. The movie opens with the closing credits going in reverse, this is your hint that the film is backwards so you better be paying attention. This is the real way the film fucks with you. It forces you to pay attention and concentrate on the film. Of course this means that you should be watching contently when the worst shit happens. It’s a clever ploy really and I applaud the filmmakers for thinking of it.

Another thing the film does right from the get go is what I like to call the “fly on the wall” camera. The camera never really stops moving (except for one particularly brutal scene which I will mention later). The camera is constantly moving and changing subjects. I actually watched the bonus features on the disc because they discuss some of the special FX they had to employ to maintain that look throughout the film, it’s amazing really.


Glad to be a fly on THIS wall!

The first thing we see after the opening scene is that of two men, one is being brought out on a stretcher. The crowd is heckling them. Apparently they’re exiting a gay club, but we don’t know that yet. The other man is brought out in handcuffs and is put in a police car. Ok so we know something bad happened, we hear one of the police refer to it as a “blood crime”. At this point we discover that the man on the stretcher is named Marcus (Vincent Cassell, an amazing French actor). Then we’re treated to our first rewind.

Marcus is searching the club for a man called “the tenia” (based on dialog in the scene I’m to assume it’s a type of tapeworm?). After several minutes he discovers a man he believes to be the person he’s searching for and he picks a fight with him. This brings us to one of the first hard scenes to watch, thankfully it’s very quick. Some people never bother to wonder if the person they’re fighting is tougher than them, the man snaps Marcus’ arm. Now I don’t mean he just breaks his arm, He puts Marcus on the ground lays his arm flat and in the middle on his humorous (the bone in the upper section of your arm, for you out there that aren’t medically trained) he puts his knee down and SNAPS Marcus’ arm. It’s incredibly painful to watch. At this point we’re slightly better introduced to Pierre, but only slightly. He hits the man with a fire extinguisher knocking him to the floor and then proceeds to smash in his skull with said extinguisher. Now I know I kind of put that lightly, when I said he smashes in the guy’s face, I mean to say he caves in the guy’s skull. The man is not recognizable after this and it’s a pretty safe assumption he’s dead. To give you an idea what the guy’s face looked like, if you’ve ever seen the (very real) snuff film “three guys, one hammer” well his face looks a lot like that guy’s face ended up looking like (please please please do NOT look that up if you have a weak stomach, it seriously almost made me vomit and I’ve seen all manner of demented stuff). This is the second thing in the movie that is hard to watch.

The story gives you a break at this point. Through a series of rewinds you discover Marcus is the boyfriend of a woman named Alex who’s been raped and Pierre is Alex’s ex. The three of them had all been at a party together that night. We’re shown (in reverse order) how Marcus and Pierre discover Alex has been raped and how they find them self at a gay club called “the rectum” to find a man called “the Tenia”(that actually seems like the perfect place to find one).


Not pictured: A rectum or a tapeworm

The film then decides to show you the single most brutal thing you may ever see in your life. Remember back in my review of “I spit on your grave” (read it here) I told you about the extensive rape scenes and how they’re the longest ever films. This is all true, but to be honest compared to the one rape scene in irreversible, they’re downright tame. Let me give you the set up first though. Alex Decides to leave the party, she’s not with Marcus or Pierre. She’s trying to hail a cab, but has no luck so she decides to cross the street to give it a shot on the other side. Now in France they don’t really have the same traffic laws as here in ‘Merica. She is helpful told that the underpass may be safer, not really, but she doesn’t know that. As she’s crossing a pimp and his hooker start fighting and Alex unfortunately tries to get past them. The man turns his attention to Alex. One thing leads to another and before long she’s on the ground and he’s raping her, Did I mention that he was doing it anally? Oh yeah and remember when I mention that the camera constantly moves except one scene? Guess which scene it stops for? You’re forced to endure the full nine minutes of rape and beatings Alex is forced to endure. She’s left looking like a swollen bloody mess. It’s so off putting that you may shut the movie off or at least fast-forward during this scene. The amazingly gorgeous Monica Belucci plays Alex and to see someone so beautiful reduced to a quivering pile of blood and mess is heart breaking.


Utterly brutal

The film has several reverse realizations. There are several things that you become aware of as the film progresses because you know what the result is. The first of these should be during the rape scene when you realize you’ve seen the guy who’s doing the raping before. After the rape the film takes on a decidedly lighter feeling. After all, at this point now nothing bad has happened and we’re just following three people, as they get ready to go to a party. You start to get a good idea of how Alex and Marcus’ relationship is. Several facts are revealed about Alex that makes her rape even more terrifying. Alex mentions a dream she had where she was in a tunnel, the tunnel is all red and then it breaks whiles she’s walking through it. Basically she’s describing her rape, so it’s weird to see her foreseeing her own attack, but not directly. There’s also one more revelation that’s made that I won’t actually share with you. It’s this last one that makes the events of the evening that much more horrible. I’m sure you’ve already guessed it, but really you should watch the movie.


Too much?

I also found, surprisingly, that I enjoyed the film more my second viewing. I expected to like it as much as I had, but my rating for it is actually going up from before.

4 brutal rapes out of 5

Disturbitude: 9, the really screwed up scenes are pretty far from each other, but they stay with you, the images really stay with you. A tough sit

Next up: Henry: Portrait of a serial killer – Unrepentant

P.S. It’s about 10:30 at night here and I’m probably going to have bad dreams tonight, but I do it for you

Friday, February 12, 2010

Shrunken Heads


This is apparently what the DVD cover art looks like, compare that to the VHS...

Only slightly different right?

Shrunken Heads
Dir: Richard Elfman
Rated R for language and witchcraft violence (wow, really?)

“There’s an old Haitian proverb, when the ton ton macoute comes knocking, don’t answer the door” – Mr. Sumatra

Tommy and his friends have a problem; they’re too fucking honest. This honesty ends up getting Tommy, Bill and Freddie (Daris Love from Alex Mack) killed by the local street toughs, the vipers. Before I go any further let’s just remember one little thing THEY’RE FOURTEEN! Yes, this movie shows a trio of kids, just starting to sport pubic hair getting murdered in their own front yard. Needless to say this comedy has its dark moments.

Big Moe, played by Meg Foster from the “Rowdy” Roddy Piper instruction film about putting on the “damn glasses” They Live, is the leader of the local crime syndicate and the vipers work for her. After the deaths of the main characters she pretty much takes control of the neighborhood, but that won’t last long. Mr. Sumatra has plans for the heads of the three underage victims and with his help they will soon have their revenge.


The Make up used on Meg Foster to Make Big Moe are amazing...wait what?, this is the wrong Big Moe? oh, sorry

Mr. Sumatra, it is agreed amongst most of the people I know who’ve seen this, is the single best thing about this film. He speaks in a plodding cadence and uses words like “malefactors” and speaks frequently about his time in the Haitian police. He’s also a high voodoo priest and uses this ability to bring back the boys as floating shrunken heads (hence the title). Each boy has their own “superpower” Tommy is an electroball, Bill sports vampire fangs and bites people and Freddie (I’m assuming because he’s black) rocks a switchblade in his mouth and slices “malefactors” necks. At first they use these powers to take "malefactors" out and turn them into zombie like creatures who are compelled to weed the gardens and pick up litter, oh and they have a total lack of bowel control (thankfully the only fart jokes in the movie). There’s also a brief, but apparently very important subplot involving Tommy and his love interest Sally (Becky Herbst, who’s now on a daytime soap opera) she’s very important because (according to Mr. Sumatra) “only a girl who has not had a male’s member inside of her may perform…” certain voodoo rites.

"now go out an punish the malefactors, then come back to my condominium"

This was Bosh’s first time seeing Shrunken Heads and about my Fourth (because I own it and like to show it to people) and good times are usually had by all when watching it. The music is fun (provided by Richard band and the opening theme by Danny Elfman…hmm wonder how they got him?). The special FX are actually quite good for a straight to video low budget feature and the dialog is witty and sharp. Believe me you’ll be quoting Big Moe and Mr. Sumatra for quite some time.

Moe: 5 out of 5


P.S. Don’t judge the film by its terrible tagline “They’re superheroes from their heads…to their necks”

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Sexpot


I think in this picture that idiot's shirt says "I'm a hempavore"? see below to read what it really says

The term sexpot used to stand for something awesome. It meant a young woman with ample supply of sex appeal. Sadly the term from now will mean “shitbox movie”. Sexpot is quite plausibly the biggest waste of time I’ve ever endured and let’s not forget my recent experience with Transformers 2!


Sorry Ms. Bardot, your visage has been replaced in my memory with that of a substandard direct to DVD pot comedy...for shame

Sexpot at it’s best is a pale imitation of American Pie, an already terrible movie. It stars a couple of worthless actors who, if lucky, will never act again and a storyline that (at best) is laughable. Spanky and his idiotic pervert friend (who wear a shirt throughout the course of the movie that reads “I [heart] to beat my meat”) watch a bunch of terrible porn and smoke some magic weed that makes you horny (get it SEX POT! Ugh) and it’s implied that one of them sucks his friends dick; this issue is never revisited again in the film.


It's a fact: Pot humor IS allowed to be funny...no one told these guys

They sneak out on to the ledge and spy on their neighbors who of course are getting naked and one of the neighbors decides to take a shit. This is the quality of the film, get where I’m going with this. The neighbors invite these two buffoons to a party and the rest of the film is them getting there and back. I’d be hard pressed to think of two redeeming qualities of this stinker. It’s not even a “so-bad-it’s-good” kind of movie; it’s just a “so-bad-it’s-BAD” movie. There is one nice thing about the movie, the rather large breast count. I’m not saying that all the boobs are nice; there are just a lot of them.

Between dealing with a crazy ex-girlfriend, dealing with Spanky’s ED pill induced boner, issues with tranny hookers, Spanky accidentally fucking his sister and everyone suckering them out of money you’d think this would have some quality jokes, but all there are is the premise and zero follow through. Ideas that are presented one second are forgotten within minutes and when we finally get around to dealing with the (I’d imagine) emotionally scarring scenario of having had sex with ones sibling it’s tossed aside like the so many offers that must have been rejected to rewrite this script.

I wouldn’t recommend Sexpot to my worst enemy, there are so many more films of this ilk that are so much better and funnier. Shit, the notoriously terrible clunker meatballs four (starring Corey Feldman, the lesser of two Coreys) is head and shoulders above this steamy pile. But wait there’s more, Sexpot also boasts some of the worst “special FX” I’ve ever seen. Portions of the film are shown in “3-D” though, by their standards this just means that the characters are filmed up close blowing smoke into the camera.


I'd rather watch this hunk of crap...again

Don’t waste your time with Sexpot, I may not smoke, but I have a feeling that this would still suck horsedick(.MPEG?) high as a kite.

1 out of 10