Bitch Slap

Refreshing!

Bitch Slap is not what one might call a subtle movie. If it were a puppy it'd be the kind of puppy that would be barking and attacking the other dogs to vie for your attention. It puts up a good fuss and has a lot of fun energy, but ultimately you want a puppy that's not going to shit in your slippers and shred your newspaper. Yes I just compared Bitch Slap to a disobedient puppy. It just seemed like Bitch Slap was trying too hard to be noticed and ultimately suffered for it.

The film follows the story of three beautiful women on the search for some stolen diamonds that have conveniently been stolen from them. That's not where the story winds up though because this thing has so many convoluted twists I was surprised when it DIDN'T say “from the mind of M. Night Shyamalananananaian”. I should state for the record that I did actually kind of enjoy the film, but it failed in a lot of what it was attempting to do.

1. I'm sorry I don't care how much blood is in a film if there are no tits it doesn't deserve an R. Maybe they should create a lower case “r” rating for “sure there are some swears and a lot of fighting, but despite the three sets of HEAVING, SWEATING, GIGANTIC tits you don't actually get to SEE any of them”. It's also not a consolation to set a scene in a strip club to make up for this fact. I was interested because one of the girls looks insanely like Mila Kunis and frankly I was hoping to see some of that sweater meat.
   
   

   

   A graphic representation of "Sweater Meat"
2. This may hearken back to point 1, but if you're going to try so desperately to feel like Russ Meyer's film then you've got to expose some flesh.
3. If it hasn't been 100% obvious I'm a old school kind of guy and when 85% of a film is shot in front of a green screen it kinda ruins it for me. I get that they were trying to look cheap(or more likely trying to look like Sin City), but it didn't have to look so stale too. Digital is all well and good when it works, but when done wrong (even intentionally) it ruins the whole thing for me.

OK so enough of me harping on what I didn't like. Lets chat briefly about what I did like. The acting was gloriously over the top. Every line reminds me of a bygone era when shitty acting was the norm. This could have very well been unintentional seeing that the biggest achievement of the three female leads comes from Julia Voth who is the likeness for Jill Valentine from the 2002 remake of Resident Evil on. So yeah, not very high hopes for these three. The names had me laughing; Trixie, Hel, Camaro are the leads, but there's also Gage, Deputy Fuchs, Hot Wire, Kinki and so on. The only name that every seemed really forced was Camaro, it became a chore hearing that name over and over.

Another aspect I rather enjoyed was the cast of celebrity cameos. It was a who's who of Sam Raimi produced television. Kevin Sorbo, Lucy Lawless, Renee O'Connor (Gabrielle from Xena). They all livened up the movie if even just for the brief moment they took the screen. It was a reminder that there were some good actors in this thing too.

Kinda makes up for Kull, Kinda

So despite Bitch Slap trying too hard to be the next Faster Pussycat Kill Kill!! it still pulled off being a fun sexy action film. I said there were no tits, but by golly if there aren't a lot of cleavage shots and it's more than enough to get the blood flowing. Bitch Slap is the kind of movie to watch with a couple of friends, get really drunk and poke the shit out of it while ogling some boobies.

3 out of 5

Drink Up, I've Got Movies to Watch

Moe

Russ Meyer's Supervixens

Supervixens

In the world that Russ Meyer created there’s no such thing as A cups (or B or C cups for that matter). The king of softcore has particular tastes and he makes it known right from the get go. Huge tits are the name of the game in Supervixens and these vixens are SUPER. Superangel, Superlorna, Supercherry, Superhaji, Supersoul, Supereula and Supervixen to be precise.



Clint is just a poor schlep working at a gas station. His crazy girlfriend calls him constantly and threatens to burn down the house if he doesn’t come home to “service” her. A fight involving an axe leads to angel bringing her cop savior, Harry (Charles Napier to bed. He murders her and makes it look like Clint did it. Clint goes on the lamb, yet somehow manages to find every single big breasted beauty along the way.


Remember me, I played the voice of Duke Phillips on the critic

He goes to a bar, huge tits. He gets picked up while hitchhiking, huge tits. He rents a room at a motel, huge tits. He does some work on a farm; you guessed it, huge tits. What’s most impressive is Clint’s self control at all these women throwing themselves at him. It’s an impressive feat to say the least. His Journey finds him at a truck stop where he meets Supervixen (a spitting image of Superangel, though he seems not to notice) and things go well for a while. And along comes Harry, what happens next is too insane to even describe. This is pretty standard fare for Meyer, what typically starts as a fun romp turns insane. It’s great fun and Meyer never lets you forget this.


Harry's idea of a good time is tying up big tittied ladies and trying to blow them up with dynamite

So grab the kiddies, lock them in the other room and enjoy a fun night of booby watching and crazy antics!



10 out of 10

Rhinestone

Rhinestone

“Budweiser you created a monster and they call me Drinkenstein”

In the annals of history every now and again there comes a film so bad it earns the distinction of being “the worst movie ever made”. Rhinestone is one of these films, but I think with time comes appreciation. Upon watching Rhinestone for a second time nearly seventeen years after the first time I saw it I have to admit, It was a lot of fun. Then again I do have a bit of an affinity for the shitty crap cinema you’ve come to expect from me here.


How could anyone consider THESE bad?

Jake (Dolly Parton, size 40 DD) is a country girl working in a New York honkey tonk (disco?) called the Rhinestone. Her sleaze ball boss Freddie (Ron Leibman) wants her in the sack and she wants out of her deliberately shitbox contract. To this end she proposes a wager; he can pick one normal average New Yorker (I didn’t realize they existed…I kid New York! I kid!) and give her two weeks and she can make him a country music singer. It’s an inspired plot stolen many times over by shitty rom com after shitty rom com, take one person and make them different. Though usually it involves taking the uncool girl and making her the “prom queen”.


The Direction on this film basically went like this "Hey Dolly, more profile please"

Enter Nick, (Stallone post not one, but TWO rocky movies) a NYC cabbie with little appreciation for country music (it’s “worse than liver”). Jake spirits him away down to Tennessee where he gets a crash course in country, She teaches him to walk, talk, “dance”, sing and perform. Stallone looks so out of place on a country stage (even during the big closing scene where he supposedly wins over the crowd) it’s 90% of the unintentional comedy. All the music is written by Dolly Parton so at least you know that’s not going to be awful, just the butchering Stallone does to it.


Hmmm, notice a trend with these pictures?

So come for the country, stay for the “comedy” and enjoy Tim Thomerson’s excellent performance as Barnett Kale, Jake’s ex. It’s a “laugh riot”?


You can make it black and white, but it doesn't make it classy

7 out of 10