Thursday, February 4, 2010

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen - Thanks for Raping my Childhood!

*In my best babs voice*..."Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind smiles we give to one another...for the way we were" *sniff sniff*

Sadly that is not the movie I'm writing about, this is...

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen


Look I understand that all film is subjective and everyone has their own opinions on movies, but lets face it. Michael Bay is a bad filmmaker. Sure he’s distinctive and has his own style, but so does the woman I work with who has a love for brightly colored, skintight pants. This does not mean that her style is good. Bay has a flare for gigantic action sets and large loud explosions, but typically his films leave a lot to be desired.

The one possible exception is The Rock and that’s a good movie despite Bay not because of him. Transformers, however, is a steaming pile of dung. It may very well be the worst movie he’s ever made. I’m rather surprised I even sat down to watch it. One of the various ways I can tell if an action film is affecting me the way it ought to be is in my gut. If I feel tension building in my stomach leading up to a big action sequence I know the film is doing its job. I also blurt out little exclamations like “OOOO” or “YES”, it’s like I’m a little yipper dog and I just can’t control myself. So of course when the first action scenes built up and finally came and went and I felt no different, that’s not a good thing.

thee rrrock was good because of meee boyo!

So the luckiest man in the world Sam is back again and it’s two years after the mess that happened last movie. People have apparently stopped remembering what happened and now the Autobots are working with the government to help fight Decepticons around the world. The story tells us that people are stupid and somehow no one ever sees these giant robots fighting, that’s likely except this is Transformers, not Men in Black. No “flashy thing” in this movie. Ok so Sam is going to college now, Mikaela still seems to find him attractive, against all common sense ands Bumblebee is still having issues talking like a normal Autobot.


So some ancient Decepticon called “the Fallen” wants to find the matrix of leadership (or power or whatever) to set off some machine that’ll destroy the sun. This will give them energon, which is their fuel. Look that’s enough about the story (or whatever you want to call it) cuz frankly that’s all secondary to the ‘Splosions and they go boom real good like. Face it though, between Devastator’s balls, Bumblebee STILL doing the radio chatter and the twins (look I’ll leave it up to you if you want to call them racist or not, but anyone who’s ever seen a Stepin Fetchit "minstrel show” should know enough about inappropriate racial caricatures) there’s more than enough reasons to call this a terrible movie.

Yup, no similarities at all

I did find one thing worthwhile in Revenge of the Fallen, towards the end of the film there’s a lot of slow motion running done by Megan Fox. Her stupidity is a major turnoff, but even I have to admit that those funbags bouncing in slo mo make the scene worth it, though not the movie.

5 more minutes of this could have made this a 3!

2 out of 10

The kid from the hogan family just wants to meet his idol

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