Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Wizard - My Childhood Relived

The Wizard

If you’re like me you grew up in the era where Nintendo ruled the world. To some of us it still does. For a couple of lucky actors the epitome of this world was appearing in the film the wizard. Think about it, you’re a kid and you get to be in a movie about playing Nintendo games!! It’s like winning the fucking lottery and getting a handie from your English teacher rolled into one wonderful package.

Fred Savage plays Sam Woods a kid who really just wants to see his brother Jimmy happy. What would make Jimmy happy most is going to California. Why? They'd rather not tell you, I guess they wanted to build anticipation? Along the way Sam and Jimmy get mixed up with a redhead dame named Haley. Haley is the precocious type and immediately challenges the boys to a game of Double Dragon, Jimmy destroys her and they realize right then and there that he’s “a wizard”. I have a feeling if it were today he’s be called an “idiot savant” and probably be heavily medicated.

Anyone this good at Double Dragon should be medicated

As it turns out Jimmy is AMAZING at video games, all of them. The three decide to use this skill to wager their way across the USA to LA where they discover that in three days there’s going to be a video game championship. How fucking convenient, right? Along the way they meet all sorts of crazy characters, most notably a little shit named Lucas who turns the audience on to the power glove “I love the power glove, it’s so bad”. Lucas also owns all 97 Nintendo games (pretty telling about when this came out since there were over 800 games for the system when it stopped producing them) this tidbit is supposed to impress us. It probably did impress me back when I was younger (oh who am I kidding, it DID impress me). Lucas, however, is a total douchebag. Basically if the same character had been made today, Mike “The Situation” would play him.

"It's so bad" to date I'm not sure if he was using the common vernacular or just stating the fact that it's a piece of SHIT! The angry video game nerd does a video about the power glove, go watch it!

What I failed to mention is that to get to California Sam had to steal Jimmy from a psychiatric facility where he was being held. The facility hires a guy to chase after them, but Sam’s father and brother decide to give chase themselves so it becomes a three-way race. A race for Sam and Jimmy to get to L.A. and a race between the bounty hunter and the father and brother (played by Beau Bridges and Christian Slater respectively) to get to the kids first. In the end all of that doesn’t matter because everyone winds up in L.A. at the same time. I won’t ruin the surprise ending, but let’s just say a NEW GAME is revealed!!

unbeknownst to Beau, he'll be rocking the Nintendo before the movie is over

The Wizard is so much fun it’s almost unbearable and if there’s any movie that represents the 80’s perfectly, its The Wizard. If you haven’t seen it, GO AND WATCH IT NOW.

5 out of 5

Doing my Picture research this morning I discovered this! A drinking game based on The Wizard! thanks to for either creating that or posting it, either way it combines two of my favorite things!

Monday, March 29, 2010

My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 13 - Oh How Lucky!

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

HERE is a reminder about my rating system for these films

Hmmm so what torment is in store for me this week...

Pi – The cow goes Mu

What is the movie about?
A number obsessed man is working on the secrets of Pi. All sorts of insanity ensue in a slow and plodding manner. I wish there was more to say about the film, but there isn’t. The story is kind of thin.

Is the film disturbing?
The short answer is a resounding no! But you look the type who’d like the long answer. Max is a mathematician who’s obsessed with numbers, he’s working on solving the riddle of Pi and little does he know he’s about the crack another major secret or two. During a routine data run for stock market predictions he’s working on (to predict patterns in the market) his system freezes and spits out a number. This number turns out to not only be the secret of perfect 100% accurate stock market predictions (which a certain corporation already seems to know about, but doesn’t have yet). The number also appears to be a code in the torah to decipher the true name of god. This issue causes quite a stir and begins many a chase scene, but frankly even with the chasing and the yelling and the blah blah blah Pi is still an incredibly boring, obnoxiously slow paced film.

The closest it comes to being disturbing is right at the end when the main character drills a hole in his head. The practice is called trepanation and it’s done to relieve pressure on the skull, it’s a little bit of a shock to see it performed, but frankly it’s a very quick shot. This movie, sadly, didn’t belong on this list and I knew that from the start there would be films that didn’t deserve to be on here. Trust me though, there aren’t a lot. I’m going to be sympathetic with my score because Pi really is a one-watch film. It should keep your attention the first time through.

3 Head Holes out of 5

Disturbitude: 0, if anything this movie made me SANER!

Next Up: The Girl Next Door – more than making up for this film.

P.S. I guess it was a pleasant break to watch a film that isn’t entirely fucked up, but it’s counter-productive. Lets hope there aren’t too many more of these on the list.

This Sums it up Perfectly!

I've been really enjoying this webcomic for a while and have mentioned them here a couple of times, but I think this time they really hit the nail on the head...



Saturday, March 27, 2010

Invasion USA!

Invasion U.S.A.

Even the title screen is BADASS

Two words come to mind after finishing Invasion U.S.A. (which I had the pleasure of watching on the big screen at the local multiplex) HOLY SHIT! I will admit that for a long time I questioned why Chuck Norris is as famous as he is. It became abundantly clear after this film. Clearly this is the apex of Norris’ Career and what a great spot to peak.

I realize tonight that there are two Chuck Norris archetypes. There’s the shitty karate Chuck; the Chuck that kicks and punches (badly) his way through waves of foes and tries to look effortless. This is the Chuck Norris that solidifies my disgust with him and made me ponder his fame on many a lonely evening. Punchy/Kicky Chuck is boring, he still can manage some hilarious one-liners, but they seem flat. They lack the one thing that this Chuck can’t really give us. Splosions!

"If you come back in here—I’m gonna hit you with so many rights, you’re gonna beg for a left" - Badass

The OTHER Chuck is the Shooty/Kabooom Chuck; I’m actually in love with this Chuck Norris. He evokes feelings in me that run very deep. What can I say; I’m a sucker for KABLAMOs. In Invasion U.S.A. KABLAMO Chuck is in full force. I’d say 90% of this flick is things blowing up and people getting shot. Not all of it by Chuck himself, but deep down I’d like to think he’s the reason behinds all of them.

The shell of a story they set up to kill time between ‘Splosions is about the Russians fronted by Richard Lynch (Blog of Thunder regular) invading the U.S.A. It’s a pretty literal title. Chuck Norris plays a “best of the best of the best” military type who’s gotten out of the game until he finds out that his arch nemesis is behind the shenanigans. Chuck spends a good part of the beginning in a swamp rasslin gators and ridin an airboat, but when Blade from the puppet master movies (Lynch) blows up his friend John Eagle Hunter (which is Norris’ name, by the way) goes ape shit and basically takes it on himself to rid the world of these Ruskies. He does a bang up job (pun intended).

Lynch doesn't like puns, or Hunter

Invasion U.S.A. is wall-to-wall action, there are shootouts, car chases, Splosions and a plethora of other stimuli to keep our ADD riddled brains sucked in. It’s easily Chuck Norris’ best film and should be avoided at all costs if you’re a beginner to Chuck Norris films. If you watch this one first you will be nothing but disappointed by any of his other films. Watch his shit first, spend some pensive nights contemplating his fame and then watch this and have your question answers. Watching Invasion U.S.A. first is the cinematic equivalent of blowing your load upon shaking hands with a hot chick. And no girl likes a premature ejaculator!

Chuck Norris never prematurely ejaculates, whenever he ejaculates is the time he MEANT to!

10 out of fucking 10!! (my life has been changed by this film!)


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Movie Posters

It's a known fact that the best way to show your love for a movie is with a movie poster. Not too long ago I was looking for some posters to decorate my cube at work and a buddy of mine did me a solid and hooked me up with some of the coolest movie posters, stuff way too classy to even be mentioned on here! I kid, we're very classy. Here's what I got:

The Kid, the only thing I love more than crap cinema is silent era comedy

La Dolce Vita, Fellini at his finest an amazing film with amazing art

Who doesn't love Ghostbusters?!

and the cream of the crop, this The day the earth stood still poster is suitable for framing and when I take it home I probably will do just that. I love the giant hand grasping the earth, classic movie art right there.

I figured since I loved these so much I would throw a plug over to the site where these came from. Go check it out...Poster Revolution

and if you're impressed, maybe become a Fan on Facebook

Keep your eyes here too I'll be posting the long overdue review for The Wizard Starring Fred Savage this afternoon.

Monday, March 22, 2010

My Year in Distrubing Film: week 12 - Happy Happy Joy Joy

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

HERE is a reminder about my rating system for these films

Hmmm so what torment is in store for me this week...

Happiness – The story of one fucked up family

What is the movie about?
Happiness is a long and kind of complicated story. Todd Solondz is notorious for doing this and it’s most apparent in Happiness. The film revolves mostly around one family, the Jordans, it also revolves are each member’s immediate family and a few connected characters. The web this film weaves is intricate and somehow everyone is connected. It’s a story of love (for underage boys), hate and frank discussions between a father and his son.

Is the film disturbing?
Happiness has what can only be described as the greatest opening scene in the history of film. Jon Lovitz (yes, THAT Jon Lovitz) plays Andy and his girlfriend has just dumped him. Who’s his girlfriend you ask? Joy Jordan. It’s unclear why she’s breaking up with him, but it leads up to one of the greatest rants ever filmed. ”You think I’m shit” Andy says “but I’m champagne, you’re shit and you will always be shit” it’s seriously the best performance I’ve ever seen Lovitz perform as well as a great way to start off a film about happiness or more appropriately, the lack thereof.


Allen (Philip Seymour Hoffman) is a loser who tells his shrink how he wants to fuck a woman who lives in his building till cum spurts out her mouth. We find out that this woman is Helen Jordan (Lara Flynn Boyle). Allen is such a loser that his shrink is writing up a grocery list in his head while he talks. Allen makes prank phone calls for fun. He masturbates while he talks to the woman and then shoots his load on the wall and uses it to stick a postcard to the wall (yeah classy fellow). One of the women he happens to prank is one Joy Jordan, she inanely chatters on thinking it’s a man her sister (Helen) had told to call her. Joy is a little slow on the uptake, but we’ll forgive her. She only figures out that Allen is pranking her when he starts asking her about her underpants and when she does figure it out he asks her is her pussy is wet and then cums.

Do you have prince albert in a can? Oh that's so hot!

It’s at this point when we’re introduced to Trish; she’s the middle sister of the family (though that’s never confirmed, she just seems like the middle sister to me). She’s trying to convince Joy to eat red meat for some reason. Seemingly out of nowhere we see the shrink from the beginning walking through a park shooting people with an assault rifle. We discover that this is Bill (Dylan Baker) and he’s discussing a recurring dream he has with his shrink. Only this time he says he’s happy at the end of the dream because he didn’t kill himself at the end of the dream. I’ve always said that mental health providers are more screwed up than their patients. We then learn that he’s Trish’s husband and that the two of them never have sex. We’re immediately treated to the why in that situation when Bill stops at a drug store and picks up a teenybopper magazine and jerks it in the back seat of his car to the pictures (of young boys).

Billy is Bill’s son and he’s depressed, Billy has some of the most fucked up dialog in the film, he also has some of the hardest scenes to watch. It’s a testament to the actor Rufus Read who played the character. You see, Billy is an eleven-year-old boy so Rufus must have been similar in age when he played him. Billy is upset because he’s the only boy in his class who hasn’t come yet. Of course he has to ask his dad what “cum” is (in the first of a series of frank, open, honest, and downright disturbing conversations the boy has with his dad).

So son, any of your friends get boners today? did you get pictures?

We’re next introduced to Mona and Lenny, the mother and father Jordan (Louise Lasser and Ben Gazzara) Lenny wants to separate from Mona. Mona and Lenny are the closest thing to “normal” in this film. They fight like and old couple, but frankly Mona’s just a sad sight and Lenny has become emotionless in his old age. Helen Jordan is a successful writer, it’s at this point where we finally learn that she’s one of the Jordans, she bemoans about having to give interviews. Basically she’s a pretty standard bitch.

Kristina (Camryn Manheim) is interested in Allen, you can tell immediately. She tells him about how the night doorman had been murdered and how they were collecting for the funeral. She mentions that his penis was cut off, which of course illicits the only correct response of “ugh” and then as a tasty follow up asks Allen if he wants to go to the playoffs with her, he turns her down. Remember Andy from the beginning? No? That’s ok no one he worked with remembered him either. Well he killed himself and the police call Joy to let her know. They said he left a note, but never read it. It’s too bad really. I bet it was interesting. This throws Joy into a funk and she decides to start working with refugees, teaching them English. It’s here that she meets Vlad, but more on him later.

Billy plays on his local baseball team and Bill cheers him on. Johnny is one of Billy teammates and when he goes up to bat Bill is smitten. It’s these little moments like when Bill longingly stares at Johnny that is a good chunk of why this movie is so screwed up. Johnny asks if he can sleep over and his father says it’s all right. Actually it’s more like “what the fuck do I care?” he’s only worried about Johnny being gay. Johnny is “a little girlie” as Billy describes it.

It's ok Johnny, I just have to stop at the store for some, I mean ice cream, yeah ice cream

There’s so much more insane disturbing shit that happens in this film that I’ll give you the cliff notes edition. We find out that Kristina killed the night door man after he raped her (have you noticed a trend yet? How many of these films deal with rape?). Speaking of rape Bill rapes Johnny after drugging him and then later rapes another boy from Billy’s school who claimed to have an eleven-inch penis. Vlad fucks Joy and then steals a bunch of her things, when she gets them back it’s only because he convinces her to give him money.

Joy Jordan, picker of great guys since 1976

Billy and his dad discuss penis size and masturbation, in depth. They also discuss, this is the hardest scene in the film to watch, how the father raped the boys and Billy asks if he would ever rape him. Thankfully he says no, but the follow up doesn’t make it any better “I would just jerk off”. Helen and Allen do finally get together for about a minute after he calls her and tells her he’s going to rape her, but he’s not her type so nothing happens.

"You're not my type"

Last, but certainly not least, Billy finally cums while yanking it on the balcony to his grandparent’s house staring at hot girls sunbathing. Oh and then he announces to his family that he came. The movie delves into just about every disturbing subject you can think of (though not in a Salo sort of way) and the only person who ends the movie happy is Billy. Good for you young man, good for you!

Hey son, I hear you came...did you save it?

Happiness is so fucked up in so many ways. It’s one of those films I think everyone should see once, just to see if it messes him or her up mentally. It’s not a shocking film at all, but manages the most frank discussions of fucked up issues I’ve ever seen on film. This was my fourth time watching it and loved it just as much this time as I did the first (which was in 1998 when I saw it in the theater, imagine seeing this with an audience?). One of my favorite aspects of the film is the discussion of how no one knows the real you, but as soon as you meet a person who does (most notably in the case of Allen and Helen) you realize that they’re not you’re type or that you don’t get them. It’s a pretty amazing film.

5 Graphic Cum shots out of 5

Disturbitude: 8, we’re talking about two plus hours of disturbing situations thrown at you. If anyone could put you in therapy, it’s Todd Solondz.

Next Up. Pi – you’d be better off without a piece of this one.

P.S. there are actually TWO graphic cum shots in this film. One of them is from Billy at the end of the film which also happens to be the most disgusting one because the dog licks it up off the railing and then runs into the house and Trish gives the dog a big kiss on the mouth. Try to get that image out of your head.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Buttcrack - Say No to Crack


"We're all the end" - brilliant tagline!

Wade is the roommate we’ve all had at some point or another. Utterly lacking in self-awareness (and belts). He’s always singing and plays Atari (not that that’s a bad thing) all day. He’s obnoxious, has an irritating voice and best (read: worst) of all, his Buttcrack is constantly hanging out.

Brian just wants his life back; he’s been suffering with Wade since the beginning of school and wants him gone so he can marry his girlfriend. By some freak chance, Brian is arguing with Wade one day about his lunar exposure and Wade decides to take a bath after slipping on some vomit and blasts his music. Brian confronts Wade about his music and the radio accidentally falls into the tub killing Wade and his ever-northern creeping crevice.

Aren't you happy I keep it so classy here?

The problem is, Buttcrack has a Voodoo priestess of a sister, who really just looks like an angry low budget Goth (which is what she is). She figures the best way for him to get his revenge is to bring him back as a zombie. Of course there’s an odd condition to it, someone has to say the word Buttcrack 12 times in one breath. Needless to say, because it wouldn’t be much of a movie if someone didn’t, it happens and he comes back. Now it’s up to Brian, his girlfriend, his best friend and preacher man Bob (played over the top by Mojo Nixon)to stop him, if they can.

“God…is in my shoes, he’s in my pants, he’s making me do a little dance” – Preacher man Bob

Buttcrack is the non-zombie zombie film. It’s a ridiculous comedy about a man brought back from the dead to get his revenge, but couldn’t care less about it. Thankfully for us Troma (if you don’t know who Troma is, shame on you) has a very specific taste in comedy and for the most part their movies are pretty hilarious. In a gross out or juvenile sort of way, Just how I like it! Beside the music by Mojo Nixon, the best part about this movie is that Wade can turn people into the undead when they look at his Buttcrack. It’s really crazy and I think this movie isn’t for everyone but those of you with an insane sense of humor or are a fan of Troma will probably enjoy this. Now I must be off, I've got to "churn the milk and make it butter" as Buttcrack would say.

7 out of 10

You've got to give Buttcrack some credit, it predicted the saggy pants trend and the exposed buttcrack trend well before 14 year old girls were paying $90 a pair for jeans that sat too low and had their asses hanging out. Good job Buttcrack, you trendsetter!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010



It was a pretty normal day until THEY arrived.

The Brown’s live in a small Kansas town called Grover’s Bend. By chance a space ship containing an evil little race of hungry little shits crashes there and thus begins a long night of terror for one small town. The Krites figure while they’re there, they might as well grab a quick bite to eat. They’re not known to be picky; they’ll eat anything. The problem is, when they eat they get bigger.

I have a hard time making fun of critters. Sure I could say it’s a cheap gremlins rip off, but it’s not. One could make the argument to me that it’s full of clichés, but they’d be wrong (they’re clichés today, but back then they were still fresh ideas). One might even have the audacity to try and tell me that the critters themselves are silly looking, this couldn’t be farther from the truth; they’re like little piranhas that get bigger and more terrifying. They have multiple rows of teeth, an insatiable appetite and shoot poison quills at you to knock you out. See the fact is it’s a really great movie.

How can you make fun of this, they're terrifying!

When I finally watched critters again after many years I decided I wasn’t going to even write a review for it because it’s so good (it doesn’t even come close to being crap cinema). Eventually I came to the conclusion that I should write a little something for it because the sequels truly do belong here and I didn’t feel right jumping right to part 4 (which takes place in space by the way). So here you go, Critters is awesome, go watch it.

9 out of 10

Monday, March 15, 2010

My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 11 - only 41 weeks to go

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

HERE is a reminder about my rating system for these films

Hmmm so what torment is in store for me this week...

Vulgar – The Tears of a (Raped) Clown

What was the movie about?
Back in 2000 when Vulgar was put out View Askew had already made a name for itself with several of Kevin Smith's comedies, Thankfully for us they decided to try their luck with this little gem. It’s incredibly low budget, but that doesn’t matter. It’s the content that’s what’s important. Vulgar is essentially about a sexually abused clown who makes it big after the incident and has to deal with the culprits. Though ultimately the question remains the same though. Well…

Little known fact, Flappy wasn't even supposed to go in that day

Is the film disturbing?
If Clown rape isn’t disturbing then I don’t know what is. It doesn’t start like that though. Actually the film starts on a bit of a goofy note as we follow Will running late for a clown gig. He finds his hillbilly neighbor in the back seat of his car. When he finally makes it to the party he arrives just in time to see the father being arrested by the cops for a domestic disturbance. So he’s out pay for this party, but to be fair he refuses the payment because he’s a genuinely good guy. When Flappy the clown gets home he listens to his messages only to discover a multitude of insulting and degrading messages. Especially the one from his mother, who is one angry woman. She happens to have one of the meanest lines (in an already pretty mean film). She tells him “I wish I’d had the courage to take that trip down the back alley” and from Will’s reaction it sounds like this isn’t the first time she’s told him she should have had an abortion.

But if she had, We'd be minus one clown...some say that's a good thing

Going through the want ads he comes up with the brilliant idea of being a clown for hire for bachelor parties. His idea is to show up 15 minutes before the real entertainment and put on a little show in fishnets and a garter belt. Every great clown needs an equally great name, he now has a third face in Vulgar the clown. Which is a really great name for an equally great idea, but shit goes horribly wrong on his first event when he realizes that the “party” he was attending was just a man and his two borderline retarded sons. They proceed to beat him and get him drunk and then rape him. I’ll never be able to sum it up better than the father in two beautifully written lines “I’m gonna make hate to you” and then when he actually inserts “here comes the shame” it’s a amazingly tragic scene to watch. Will suffers through it and they let him live. By some miracle he manages to get himself home where he passes out. When he wakes he flips once the reality hits him of what happened. This is Brian O’halleran’s shining scene. I’ve never seen him act as well as he does in this one scene. Which is why it’s so powerful. You feel for Will and the torture he’s just been through. The end of this scene is particularly depressing and moving. Vulgar trashes his apartment in anger and break the mirror in his bathroom as he screams at himself that he’s a “fucking nobody”. After squeezing a piece of mirror till his hand bleeds he sets a bath and they do a really amazing job of making you think Will’s going to slice his wrists, but he bypasses the piece of mirror and grabs a washcloth and cleans himself off. This is the second time I’ve seen this film and I still thought he was going to off himself.

Needless to say, Vulgar's stint as a clown fares a little worse than Flappy

The next day Will’s best friend Syd stops over and finds Will sitting in the mess of his apartment. After some convincing he finally tells Syd what happened. It’s an emotional scene shared between friends. Speaking of friends, this is the point where our very own Tarbosh proclaims “this is the part I fapped to” obviously having been titilated by the sight of two grown men hugging. A client sucks back in Will, who is on the verge of getting out of clowning. On the way, however, a police barricade stops him and he soon realizes it’s the same house from earlier. In the most unrealistic aspect of the film, Flappy manages to get into the house and takes out the father who is holding his daughter hostage. Flappy becomes a local hero and is soon on the tabloid talk show circuit.

Thankfully Martan (Kevin Smith) has been paying attention to Flappy and he’s in a position to make Flappy one successful clown. Martan is also a welcome dose of comic relief in a film that was beginning to suffer from a bad case of seriousness. Martan gets Flappy his own show and through a well-placed montage Flappy becomes a huge star. Sadly this is not such a good thing as the man who raped Flappy discovers that it’s the same guy and he blackmails him out of $50,000. In the meantime, he’s already kidnapped another guy, but this guy doesn’t fare so well. Let’s put it this way, he gets himself a blowtorch body rub.

I hope kevin smith appreciates that I picked a relatively flatering picture of him and failed to make a fat joke...

The man decides that 50K isn’t enough and sets up a meeting for them so he can have one more taste of Vulgar. So Will comes up with a plan to take care of his problem. Unfortunately for him it doesn’t go to plan at all and he almost winds up dead. In a good turn of events though, thanks to the sons being half mental, Frankie (Ethan Suplee) winds up shooting himself in the face. It’s at this time that Syd shows up and Gino winds up shot as well. The father takes off and Vulgar gives chase in what leads up to the most unsatisfying climax ever. Sorry folks, it just is. But the filmmakers do give us a happy ending…Flappy gets away with it.

I tried...couldn't help myself

Most of these films I’m watching seem to rely on one central brutality to get through all their disturb potential, but most of them leave well enough alone when the scene is over. Vulgar does not follow suit. It keeps rehashing old wounds and manages to keep reminding us constantly about what happens to Will. This is what is truly disturbing about Vulgar. The film itself is not bad, but it could be better. It's obvious that first time director Bryon Johnson (who plays Syd in this film and Steve-Dave in a bunch of other View Askew pictures) needs more practice, I personally would love to see him try his hand at filmmaking again. Brian O’halloran saves the film from being a "meh" with his excellent performance as Will/Flappy/Vulgar.

4 Raped Clowns out of 5

Disturbitude: 6: as violent as the material is, there’s enough comedy mixed in to lighten the mood enough and the happy ending make for a pretty easy watch (except the clown rape scene)

Next Up: Happiness – The Eternal Quest for (and Constant Failure to Find) it

P.S. Obviously if you’re the type who dislikes clowns, you may want to skip this one.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Favorite Film Drunks!

Seeing as it’s almost St. Paddy’s day and since this is my 100th post I figured I’d do something a little different from my usual reviews and general insanity. I thought to myself “Self, what’s a horribly racist stereotype I could exploit during this time of celebration?” “I know!” I said to myself “The Irish are drunken lushes, I could exploit that. Since we’re a movie blog what better way than to list off my favorite imbibers of potent potables.

My Top Ten Favorite Film Drunks:

10. Withnail – Played by the incredibly talented Richard E. Grant. The struggling actor Withnail brings drinking to new heights in the classic pitch black comedy Withnail and I, making liver damage almost look appealing.

9. Arthur – I usually don’t like Dudley Moore, but loved him as Arthur, a drunk on a new level. Probably best if you skip the unnecessary sequel.

8. Frank the Tank – Will Ferrell, as it is well known is a giant man-child. But it’s Old School’s Frank the Tank that propelled him into the comedic stratosphere.

7. Bob and Doug Mckenzie – I know already that I’m gonna get angry mail for not putting them higher on the list, but seeing as this is a personal list I’ll tell you to TAKE OFF, YA HOSER! The best drinking part of the film is bob drinking an entire vat of beer, classic.

6. Landfill (and Landfill) – Kevin Heffernan delivers a great performance as the chugger of the U.S. Beerfest team in Broken Lizards’s Beerfest. Landfill attempts to do what Bob did and isn’t quite as successful, but opens it up for one of the best gags of the film.

5. Henry Chinaski/ Randy 'The Ram' Robinson – Mickey Rouke’s Fictional portrayal of Charles Bukowski is perhaps the standout role of the first half of his career. Coincidentally the standout performance of the second half of his career is also an amazing portrayal of a drunk.

4. Charlie Mcfadden – I won’t hold it against you if you don’t recall Charlie. He’s not a huge character in the first Critters flick, but he becomes very important in the others. In the first you may recall he’s a very washed up drunk and it’s a great little character.

3. Willie – I love irreverent humor and I think making a mall Santa/ Thief into a surly drunkard is about as bad as it gets. This is why I love Willie from Bad Santa so much. “I never fornicated with anyone”

2. Coach Buttermaker – The coach of the bad news bears, Walter Matthau plays Coach Buttermaker, a character who gives kids beer and is so utterly (and comedically) repugnant you can’t help but love the guy!

1. Bluto – How could he NOT be my favorite, there is not a single thing not to love about John Belushi’s best known character. A man so drunk he’s carrying a zero point zero GPA. Brilliantly funny.

When he smashes the bottle in satisfaction after guzzling the entire thing, now THAT is a drunk!

Let me know if I forgot any or what your favorites are

Private School

Private School

“You’re breaking my heart, you tear it apart so fuck you”

In the realm of romps there are few better than Private School. Amazing cast meets hilarious story for an end result that will make you long for more when it’s over. Mathew Modine and Pheobe Cates play Jim Green and Chris Ramsey, a couple in love. Chris goes to Cherryvale academy and Jim goes to the nearby Freemount. It’s the classic all boy/all girl set up we’ve seen a million times, but it was a fresh idea when Private School hit the theaters. The boys at Freemount are always sneaking over to Cherryvale to spy on the girls and pranks are par for the course.

All the standard pranks are there. The boys sneak over to try to snap nekkid photos of the hot girl and wind up falling flat on their faces. The old burning bag of dog (horse in the case) shit prank. Drawing genitalia on the human anatomy poster. The snatching of the hot girls shirt while she’s riding her horse that prompts the line “that’s the finest example of bareback riding I’ve ever seen” and, of course, the classic graduation scene.

I know this certainly is the finest bareback riding I'VE ever seen

There are a couple of factors when considering an 80’s teen sex romp, but most important of these is humor. There is nothing worse then popping in a romp and after a promising opening credit song and set up you settle into 90 minutes of pure boredom (see: weekend pass). Thankfully you have me to tell you what are the worthwhile romps to watch. Private school (for girls) is up there when it comes to the HA HA’s. Aside from the classic pranks listed above there is a wide assortment of hilarious supporting characters and all sorts of crazy antics.

Music is also a huge factor. All the greats in the genre are bursting at the seams (and I don’t just mean the cheerleaders outfits) with insanely great music. Usually starting with an awesome opening theme song and typically involving several licensed songs or original pieces, but it’s very important these songs are great or it ruins the movie. Sometimes the music is used along with the movie to highlight some specific attribute of what’s going on. In private school there is a well Choreographed workout scene to American girl by Rick Springfield. I probably don’t need to tell you what attributes they’re trying to highlight (read: tits).

Really Rick? Didn't your mother tell you not to wear the neon pink tie with the neon blue shirt?

Actually the one thing private school (for girls) is missing is Eddie Deezen, but they can’t all be perfect, right? RIGHT? Private School is damn close though; Great cast, Great music, Great nudity (especially by the character Jordan, see: bareback riding pic above), Great pranks and Great antics! If you get the chance to watch Private school, TAKE IT, you won’t be disappointed. Oh and sorry guys, no Phoebe Cates nudity in this one, for that pick up “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”.

Sorry guys, not in this flick

9 out of 10

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Corey Haim Dead...Sad day for the Blog of Thunder

Look I'm not going to be one of those people that suddenly becomes a fan of someone just because they died an untimely death, though that's not to say I didn't enjoy the man's work. I am sad that Corey Haim Died, he starred in many films that will eventually grace the annals of The Movie Blog of Thunder!!!! He will be missed, especially when you realize that this means that Corey Feldman is still out there with the ever looming possibility that he may take up the Toulan mantle and make another Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys film.

I liked Corey Haim, he was the fun Corey. Feldman was always too insane for my liking, but I think it's only appropriate that the man get the memorial he deserves.

"I am so dead they're going to have to bury me twice." - Les Anderson (Licensed to Drive)

RIP Haim

Heaven help us if Feldman makes another one of THESE turds