Saturday, March 27, 2010

Invasion USA!

Invasion U.S.A.

Even the title screen is BADASS

Two words come to mind after finishing Invasion U.S.A. (which I had the pleasure of watching on the big screen at the local multiplex) HOLY SHIT! I will admit that for a long time I questioned why Chuck Norris is as famous as he is. It became abundantly clear after this film. Clearly this is the apex of Norris’ Career and what a great spot to peak.

I realize tonight that there are two Chuck Norris archetypes. There’s the shitty karate Chuck; the Chuck that kicks and punches (badly) his way through waves of foes and tries to look effortless. This is the Chuck Norris that solidifies my disgust with him and made me ponder his fame on many a lonely evening. Punchy/Kicky Chuck is boring, he still can manage some hilarious one-liners, but they seem flat. They lack the one thing that this Chuck can’t really give us. Splosions!

"If you come back in here—I’m gonna hit you with so many rights, you’re gonna beg for a left" - Badass

The OTHER Chuck is the Shooty/Kabooom Chuck; I’m actually in love with this Chuck Norris. He evokes feelings in me that run very deep. What can I say; I’m a sucker for KABLAMOs. In Invasion U.S.A. KABLAMO Chuck is in full force. I’d say 90% of this flick is things blowing up and people getting shot. Not all of it by Chuck himself, but deep down I’d like to think he’s the reason behinds all of them.

The shell of a story they set up to kill time between ‘Splosions is about the Russians fronted by Richard Lynch (Blog of Thunder regular) invading the U.S.A. It’s a pretty literal title. Chuck Norris plays a “best of the best of the best” military type who’s gotten out of the game until he finds out that his arch nemesis is behind the shenanigans. Chuck spends a good part of the beginning in a swamp rasslin gators and ridin an airboat, but when Blade from the puppet master movies (Lynch) blows up his friend John Eagle Hunter (which is Norris’ name, by the way) goes ape shit and basically takes it on himself to rid the world of these Ruskies. He does a bang up job (pun intended).

Lynch doesn't like puns, or Hunter

Invasion U.S.A. is wall-to-wall action, there are shootouts, car chases, Splosions and a plethora of other stimuli to keep our ADD riddled brains sucked in. It’s easily Chuck Norris’ best film and should be avoided at all costs if you’re a beginner to Chuck Norris films. If you watch this one first you will be nothing but disappointed by any of his other films. Watch his shit first, spend some pensive nights contemplating his fame and then watch this and have your question answers. Watching Invasion U.S.A. first is the cinematic equivalent of blowing your load upon shaking hands with a hot chick. And no girl likes a premature ejaculator!

Chuck Norris never prematurely ejaculates, whenever he ejaculates is the time he MEANT to!

10 out of fucking 10!! (my life has been changed by this film!)


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