My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 6 - Feelin' Fine

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

HERE is a reminder about my rating system for these films

Movie #6, let's see what's in store for me...

Un Chien Andelou – oui oui

What is the movie about?
Nothing really. The movie is so steeped in symbolism it lacks any real conventional storyline. With a 29 minute running time Un Chien Andelou is giving me a much-needed rest from writing this week. Don’t expect a very long review.



Was the film disturbing?
Bunuel and Dali blow their proverbial loads very early in the film. The first scene, in fact, the movie opens with a man sharpening a razor and pulling back a woman’s head he then proceeds to slice her eyeball with it. This is kind of tough to watch because the slicing is very real. The unfortunate side is that the eyeball being sliced is that of a dead cow. That’s the worst of it, the rest of the film I rather enjoyed if not just for its bizarre visuals and seemingly nonstop symbolism. Of course nearly all of the symbolism in the film is supposed to represent sex, some not as subtle as others; ants coming out of a man’s hand, a man groping a woman’s naughty bits, man wipes away his mouth and it gets replaced with a woman’s underarm hair. The symbolism that doesn’t represent sex represents religion; a man drags stone tablets and priests and pianos with dead cows on them.


sex

Sadly the film, by today’s standards, would do little but bore most modern film watchers. I happen to be a huge fan of silent cinema so I completely enjoyed it and would recommend it to anyone else who has an affinity for the pre-talkies. If not, don’t waste the half hour.



4 sliced eyeballs out of 5

Disturbitude: 5 – the reason it’s so high is only because if you think about when the movie came out, it really was shocking for it’s time. So I’m splitting the difference between what the filmmakers were going for and today’s standards

Next up: Irreversible - Happy Valentine's Day

Invasion! - Canadians Can Be Funny Too

Invasion! (AKA invasion) (AKA Top of the food chain) (AKA Welcome to Exceptional Vista) - I love it when movies have a dozen titles!

“A genetically engineered band of devil worshiping serial killers or a Sasquatch type thing? I don’t like the sound of that” - Dr. Lamonte

There’s a reason why there are no Canadian TV networks broadcasting in America. The Canadians have a unique sense of humor, to say the least. Invasion! Is a pretty decent representation of this sense of humor, dry as the mojave and delivered in the best deadpan found on the planet outside of Britain. It’s not a bad movie (far from it!), but I don’t think I would recommend it to anyone out of fear they wouldn’t get it. Imagine a slightly more sanitized version of Sam Raimi or early Peter Jackson films.


Would you like to perform the copulatory act?

Dr. Lamonte (Campbell Scott) is an atomic scientist on vacation. While visiting Small Town, Anywhere (named Exceptional Vista) he discovers locals who are not quite right in the head as well as signs of some kind of beast killing people. Turns out that the cause of the insanity amongst the townsfolk is due to a local “nut accident” forcing all the normals to evacuate the town. The ones who stayed were crazy as a loon. The one seemingly regular girl who stuck around is Sandy Fawkes (played by the captivating Fiona Loewi), though she does has an odd affinity for her brother Guy (Tom Everett Scott of an American Werewolf fame), get it! Guy Fawkes! Remember Remember the fifth of November, clearly a joke of greater cultural significance to the Canadians. They discover a sinister plot by aliens to farm humans as food and it’s up to the doctor to fix everything, none of these other "nuts" are up to the task.


Campbell Scott

The jokes are sophomoric and the effects are very low budget, but it seems like this is all done very much on purpose. The movie is a lot of fun and the ending, which I won’t ruin for you, is expected. The movie couldn’t realistically end any other way. You’ll know what I mean when you watch…Invasion!


Fiona Loewi

7 out of 10

9 out of 10 for Fiona

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen - Thanks for Raping my Childhood!

*In my best babs voice*..."Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind smiles we give to one another...for the way we were" *sniff sniff*

Sadly that is not the movie I'm writing about, this is...

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

“Ugh”

Look I understand that all film is subjective and everyone has their own opinions on movies, but lets face it. Michael Bay is a bad filmmaker. Sure he’s distinctive and has his own style, but so does the woman I work with who has a love for brightly colored, skintight pants. This does not mean that her style is good. Bay has a flare for gigantic action sets and large loud explosions, but typically his films leave a lot to be desired.

The one possible exception is The Rock and that’s a good movie despite Bay not because of him. Transformers, however, is a steaming pile of dung. It may very well be the worst movie he’s ever made. I’m rather surprised I even sat down to watch it. One of the various ways I can tell if an action film is affecting me the way it ought to be is in my gut. If I feel tension building in my stomach leading up to a big action sequence I know the film is doing its job. I also blurt out little exclamations like “OOOO” or “YES”, it’s like I’m a little yipper dog and I just can’t control myself. So of course when the first action scenes built up and finally came and went and I felt no different, that’s not a good thing.


thee rrrock was good because of meee boyo!

So the luckiest man in the world Sam is back again and it’s two years after the mess that happened last movie. People have apparently stopped remembering what happened and now the Autobots are working with the government to help fight Decepticons around the world. The story tells us that people are stupid and somehow no one ever sees these giant robots fighting, that’s likely except this is Transformers, not Men in Black. No “flashy thing” in this movie. Ok so Sam is going to college now, Mikaela still seems to find him attractive, against all common sense ands Bumblebee is still having issues talking like a normal Autobot.


HAHA

So some ancient Decepticon called “the Fallen” wants to find the matrix of leadership (or power or whatever) to set off some machine that’ll destroy the sun. This will give them energon, which is their fuel. Look that’s enough about the story (or whatever you want to call it) cuz frankly that’s all secondary to the ‘Splosions and they go boom real good like. Face it though, between Devastator’s balls, Bumblebee STILL doing the radio chatter and the twins (look I’ll leave it up to you if you want to call them racist or not, but anyone who’s ever seen a Stepin Fetchit "minstrel show” should know enough about inappropriate racial caricatures) there’s more than enough reasons to call this a terrible movie.


Yup, no similarities at all

I did find one thing worthwhile in Revenge of the Fallen, towards the end of the film there’s a lot of slow motion running done by Megan Fox. Her stupidity is a major turnoff, but even I have to admit that those funbags bouncing in slo mo make the scene worth it, though not the movie.


5 more minutes of this could have made this a 3!

2 out of 10


The kid from the hogan family just wants to meet his idol

Zapped! - Whoa-ho-ho It's Magic...You Know!

Zapped!
1982 – 96 min
Directed by: Robert Rosenthal
Starring: Scott Baio, Willie Aames and Heather Thomas (with special appearance by Scatman Crothers and Eddie Deezen)

There are rules to the 80’s teen sex romp or more appropriately, a loose set of guidelines.

Rule 1: It has to be from the 80’s, I know it seems obvious, but the romps from the 70’s and from the 90’s are very different.

Rule 2: It HAS to have a fun opening theme song. This is not an option, if it doesn’t have a fun opening theme song (or fun music throughout for that matter) then it just doesn’t fit the bill.

Rule 3: It has to be lighthearted. Romps cannot be too serious, except for the one mandatory scene of the main character fucking up his relationship with a girl in order for him to learn a lesson

Rule 4: There has to be sex, this is a SEX romp after all.

Rule 5 (optional): Eddie Deezen should be in it.


*swoons*

Zapped manages all of these elements. Scott Baio plays Barney, a nerdy (but not too nerdy) lab rat that’s working on a concoction to make plants grow at an amazing rate. Willie Aames (who went on to play Bibleman, ugh) is Barney’s best friend Peyton who, needless to say, is having Barney use his tonic to grow a crop of super fast growing pot (Jesus wouldn’t be too happy with that).


"Come on Barn, lets go to Vegas!"

One day while conducting experiments on his mice and through no fault of Barney. Somehow some of the marijuana extract gets mixed with the hyper grow formula and to make things fun, Peyton adds a little beer to the mix. During a little mental tug of war with the mouse (who had gained the powers first) the mixture gets knocked over and Barney finds himself with telekinetic powers. This allows all sorts of fun to be had; from moving around objects, popping open girls blouses, rigging carnival games and gambling and making his mother think he’s possessed. It’s all good fun for Barney.


I think you all know what's going to happen next...

You've been ZAPPED! Heather Thomas

Now this wouldn’t be a teen sex romp without the sex. I have to admit that Zapped is a little light on the sex, which is fine because it more than makes up for it with a climax that feature bizarre and utterly insane nudity, so it’s worth it. The only two sex scenes (implied now shown) are between Peyton and the gorgeous Heather Thomas and Barney and his love interest, the equally nerdy Bernadette. The climax though is the fun part and must be seen to fully comprehend and believe you me, Zapped! Is one of the best!

Oh and Eddie Deezen is in it briefly as a nerd talking about how his roommate beats off every night! Truly a must see! Just make sure your VCR is well grounded or you might get ZAPPED!


He sure is!

9 out of 10!

Double Trouble - Behold...The Barbarian Brothers

Double Trouble
Starring: The Barbarian Brothers
Directed by: John Paragon

At some point in the 80’sstudios got it in their head that bulging muscles equaled box office gold, Thanks a lot Arnold! Next thing we know we’ve got a pair of steroid abusing, mullet sporting, brain dead twins named Peter and David Paul (AKA the barbarian brothers) filling our poor eyeholes with this drivel. The only discernable difference between the two of them is the size of their mullets; Peter’s a slightly bigger.

Much like Tony Danza, the Paul brothers seem most at ease when playing characters named Peter and David and they do in Double Trouble. Dave is a straight-laced cop (who’s somehow on the edge?) who seems to perpetually be in the same midriff exposing Oakland Raiders sweatshirt and comically high acid washed jeans. Here’s the kicker, Peter plays a seemingly inept, yet surprisingly cocky cat burglar (GET IT? THEY’RE THE SAME, BUT OPPOSITE!!) who steals a bank key card (though the moron doesn’t know what he has) from the wrong motherfucker. That’s not the only “twist” though because the slightly more charismatic, yet idiotic, Peter gets partnered up with his brother to catch the baddies.


This isn't from the movie, I just wanted to make note of the different mulletts

The Bad guy comes courtesy of Roddy Mcdowall, I’m assuming he must have been pretty desperate to accept this role that is obviously below his talent range. Either that or something in the script must have spoken to his need to make a shitty flick every now and again.

The saddest part is that the movie is actually kind of enjoyable in some sick demented sort of way, the jokes are just on the right side of juvenile and the barbarian brothers do play well off each other. Double Trouble also boasts the single most laughable twin on twin fight scene, which happens to feature a couple of padded out stunt men rolling down the stairs.

Throw in a couple of cameos by David Carradine as Mr. C, Robert Stack as an asshole detective who gets clobbered by David and James Doohan (star trek’s Scotty) who “gave her all he got”. Its funny this thing was directed by a man named Paragon, I wonder if he realizes what that means and maybe if he did it would inspire him to make a better flick

So double your pleasure, double your fun or something like that.

7 out of 10, great for watching alone or making fun of with friends

Kill Squad - 12 Hands...12 Feet... 24 Reasons to Die!

Kill Squad (AKA code of honor)
Directed by: Patrick G Donahue

It’s a fact that everyone in the 70’s knew how to kung fu fight! If you don’t believe me watch Kill Squad. It seems that everywhere the 6-man squad goes they get attacked at all angles. It’s amazing; steelyards, rodeos, construction sites, parking lots, street corners, and the odd pool party are all brimming with copious amounts of kung fu fighting people (both men and women, I’m surprised no kids attacked them) ready to take on the paramilitary crew without hesitation.

Now you’re probably asking why the hell these folks are getting attacked constantly. Well that’s a little complicated, the leader of this “Kill Squad” gets attacked and we find out that it’s because a rival electronics company is trying to force his hand in selling his business. Yes you heard me right, an ELECTRONICS COMPANY attacked him. That’s like if Bernie put out a hit on the whiz! Seeing as nobody beats the whiz he gathers up his team from the Vietnam War and gets his revenge on!


hey why are those two cars just parked in the middle of the...oh

A better name for this film would have been “Stereotype Squad”. You’ve got your black guy (not to be outdone they actually have TWO black stereotypes, the pimp and the black intellectual), the Jap, the Jew, the clown and the muscle bound tough guy. Let’s also not forget the leader who’s a stereotypical rich white guy. The best part of the movie is the fight scenes, the kung fu is actually pretty great and bosh and me noted while watching this that the fight scenes are arguably better than the scenes in Ninja Assassin. They’re certainly shot better.



Mix in a “shocking twist” ending that you’ll probably figure out about halfway through the flick and an entirely under whelming cameo by Cameron Mitchell (per usual) and you’ve got yourself a surprisingly fun filled action flick that you may actually want to watch a second time.

Moe: 8 out of 10
Bosh: 7 out of 10

(I'm actually kind of proud this is in my collection, it's an amazing find)

My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 5 - A chink in the armor perhaps?

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

Here is a reminder about my rating system for these films

The fifth film in my year long series may be the most successful yet...
(A warning before you go any further, there are images NSFW in this review, so proceed with caution)

Salo or 120 days in Sodom – Won’t somebody think of the children!

What’s the movie about?
During WWII in fascist controlled Italy a group of four high government officials (who will be lovingly referred to as Creepy, Beardo, Toothy and Other guy) select 18 young boys and girls and whisk them off the a mansion to brutally beat them and sexually humiliate them and eventually kill them. The film is a retelling of a Marquis De Sade piece, so you know it’ll be chock full o’ good stuff.

Is it disturbing?
Before I get to that let me say this. Most people have limits to the things they are willing to allow themselves to see. For some it’s rape and for others it’s children being abused. I once knew a man who could watch graphic vivisection, but had a hard time seeing someone vomit. I like to consider myself the type of guy who it takes quite a bit to shake. I don’t squirm for rape, infanticide, murder, Gore or psychological terror. But I do have my limits and I have to applaud Salo for testing those limits. Despite it being significantly tamer than I was expecting, there were still scenes I had to avert my eyes for. To paraphrase my friend Ben whom I watched the film with “you have to do some compartmentalizing”, I couldn’t have said it better myself.


compartmentilize THAT!

After the youths are selected and they adjourn to the mansion the rules are read
1.) First is story time (which may be interrupted at anytime by the four to have specifics given in better detail or to have the story nudged in a direction more appealing to the four)
2.) Next up is orgy time
3.) If a man is caught having sex with a woman the punishment is loss of a limb
4.) Any religious acts, either performed or spoken results in the loss of your life

Ok so got that straight, you’d better or you’ll wind up dead. The first story time starts off tame enough. It’s a story of the woman as a child brought to see her teacher and he asks her to masturbate him. There is some talk of urination and then one of the four; probably toothy (I don’t recall at the moment) demands punishment for a boy who refuses him sex. At dinner time one of the guards trips and rapes one of the serving girls. This turns creepy on (you’ll find pretty much everything turns creepy on) and he begins to prance about the room showing off his ass to the people and then demands the guard who is raping the girl to fuck him. If you’re squeamish about gay sex on film or re homophobic, this is not the film for you (remember rule #3). At this point they bring out a chair with a mannequin sitting on it, it has a fake penis to teach the girls how to handle one. The next day they discover the body of a girl with a slit throat, they never explain if she was killed or if it was suicide, but story time begins nevertheless with her corpse right there on the floor. Creepy tell one of many many bad (and badly translated) jokes, you’re going to love creepy by the end of the film. I have to admit the tone of the film would have been completely different without him.



Story time number two is about anal sex. Somehow this give the four the idea to take one boy and one girl who they apparently have doubts about what gender they are and masturbate them, spoiler alert, the boy cums so he’s the boy. They decide to marry the two, Beardo gets frisky and feels up everyone and I do mean EVERYONE. The following story time is innocuous enough, but it’s followed by one of the best visuals of the film. The youths being walked up the staircase on leashes like dogs, they are fed on the ground like dogs. One boy refuses and is beaten ruthlessly by toothy. He then feeds some polenta he laced with nails to a female youth who bites the nails and screams, bleeding from the mouth.



So far if you’re following the story I feel most of you, my loyal readers, should be able to handle this. This is the point in the film where I begin to have my doubts. This next section of the film is titled “the circle of shit” and they fucking mean it. They change the rules for bathroom usage and put two large vats into the bathroom and everyone is required to use these specifically for the purposes of doing number two. That’s right brothers and sister; the shit has hit the fan (pun intended). Surprisingly though the story time in this section doesn’t have to do with feces, it has to do with people killing their mothers. One of the female youth’s mothers died trying to save her life so she begins crying. This prompts Beardo to drop a log on the floor and forces the crying girl to eat it. Creepy, unsurprisingly gets turned on and rushes to yank his crank in the mirror. For supper that night the chef has prepared a special dish for the guests, did you guess that it was shit? If you did then give yourselves a gold star, congratulations. This is the single hardest scene for me to watch.


Aside from what happens next here

Story time now goes from shit to Asses, thank goodness. Though the story of the ass does inspire Beardo to get urinated on. Then they hold a contest for the best ass, the winner gets the grand prize of death. They don’t kill the boy who wins, not yet. Now it’s time for the circle of blood. The three main events of this, the final segment of the film is thus. It does a fine job of teaching how life works when you live in a fascist society. When someone catches you doing something you ought not to be doing you better have some dirt on someone else. Secondly we get to see the four men dressed in evening gowns, and incredibly weird site if I do say so myself. Lastly everyone dies, since these are the most horrifying scenes of the film I’ll leave them for you to discover, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. The end of the film forces you through some of the toughest scenes I’ve ever had to endure. The acting in these scenes shows the agony that the characters are being put through and you can’t help but cringe.


The best ass contest

5 tortured youths out of 5

Disturbitude: Salo is a movie that from the moment the movie starts it’s trying to fuck with your head and the culmination of these brutal acts of violence and humiliation at the movie's apex just makes it that much worse. The director was clearly trying to shock and disturb viewers when they made this film, but I have to consider today’s movie going crowd. I’ll give it a 9, you might just find yourself seeking therapy after this one.

Next up: Un Chien Andelou - Oui Oui

P.S. how bad is it that when I watched Salo I said to myself that it wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be? I must be getting jaded.