Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Miss March – HORSEDICK (DOT) MPEG
I’m not gonna lie. I had kinda high hopes for Miss March. I’m a fan of the show the whitest kid u’know and Trevor Moore and Zach Cregger are the two main writers on that so it’s a bit disappointing that this was such a colossal turd. Speaking of shit, I hope you like incontinence humor because there’s plenty of it. Its spread all over this bagel like, well like bird shit pushed around with your windshield wipers. Oddly enough that’s pretty much the only shit joke left out of this one.
The “story” is that of a young abstinent Eugene Bell (Cregger) and his virginal girlfriend. They decide that they’re finally going to take the plunge and make whoopee for the first time after prom. Tucker (moore) is Eugene’s best friend, he’s also horny as hell and lacks the social skills to land all but the most desperate of women. Tucker decides that the best way to get prepared for his first time is with a couple of shots, but keeps them coming and eventually poor Eugene finds himself at the bottom of a set of stairs...with a toolbox about to land on his head…followed by the bookshelf everything was sitting on. Fast forward four years and Eugene is waking from a coma. Tucker figured the easiest way to wake him is with a well placed crack with a bat. Oh did I mention that this is less than twenty minutes into the film and the one real laugh of the film has already taken place. I forgot to mention it, well really I didn’t. You see, Eugene and Tucker have this friend Phil who is an aspiring rapper who named himself “HORSEDICK.MPEG” (played by the only talented actor in this thing, Craig Robinson).
So yeah Tuckers first thought is to bring Eugene to the playboy mansion after he wakes up because they find out Eugene’s girlfriend became a playboy playmate (the titular Miss March). To fill the time between Eugene’s awaken the boys are chased by crazed firemen. Why are they being chased by crazed firemen? Thought you’d never ask because this part is probably the most deplorable part of the film. Apparently Tucker is dating a girl with epilepsy; he’s clueless to what this condition is, but is quick to correct people when they call her “handicapped” well they go out for the 13 month anniversary of the day they first “boned”. He has this whole plan to get more sex and once she’s delivering oral pleasure this is when he figures it would be the best time to show her the strobe light he installed. Yeah THAT happens and now she’s clamped down so he figures the best way to get her off is to stab her in the face with a fork, repeatedly. Her brother is an insane fireman so he puts out an “APB”, didn’t realize firemen could do that.
So there you go, a movie filled with poop and seizure blowjobs and one funny character name HORSEDICK.MPEG, the end. I looked on IMDB for some memorable quotes and there weren’t any. Seemed fitting.
1 HORSEDICK.MPEG out of 5
Next up: probably Sherlock Holmes, unless I try to add more movies to my worst of the year list
P.S. I need a shower after watching this