Breakin'!

Breakin'

Back in 1984 when breakin came out there were two things you could be certain of. One was that if someone started dancing a circle would form around them from out of thin air and everyone would clap and hoot to the dancer (especially if you're an unnown little actor named JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME!). The other was if you were a black street dancer you were not welcome in the hoity toity world of professional dancing. Breakin was created as an attempt to help curb the latter, with mixed results

Yup that's him the the black singlet, click the link above for a animated GIF

Breakin is white America’s introduction to break dancing. Sure there were other’s before it, but those were made for the street kids who participated in the culture. Breakin doesn’t even try to cover this up either. It’s the story of a white dance school student (supposed to be representing we the viewers) who is introduced to the world of street dancing. Her professors of break dancing are Ozone and Turbo, The finest breakers west of the Mississippi. They pop and lock like my knees after a long jog.

Ozone and Turbo as played by Shabba Doo and Bugaloo Shrimp (seriously)

So lil miss white girl (named Kelly just to prove how white she is) is introduced to breakin by her fabulously feminine black friend and immediately wants in on the deal. First she heads down to Venice beach to join in on one of the spontaneous dancer circles along with a young Jean Claude Van Damme (seriously, do a google search for Van Damme in breakin and you’ll find one of the funniest GIFs you’re likely to see). She then accompanies them down to the local juke joint where the local beat poets (in this case Ice-T) are spitting their rhymes. “yes yes y’all yes yes y’all cuz you know that I’m fresh y’all”, talent abounds.

Down at the club Ozone and the gang (surprisingly would have been shorter to just write “and turbo”) are getting ready to throw down with another dance duo called electro rock. Electro Rock throws them a curveball by bringing in a chick to mix things up. The look on Ozone’s face when they lose the dance off is devastating; he looks like someone just ate his puppy with a side of his childhood memories. This gives them the amazing idea to incorporate Kelly into their duo and the rest is history so to speak, but seriously she has to learn an entire new style of dance from scratch so you know what this calls for, MONTAGE!

Queue the music!

About ten minutes later and she’s a pro, ready to put her skills on display for the Electro Rock crew. They’re destroyed by Kelly’s new skills. Kelly decides to get her manager involved and tries to turn her new hobby into a full-fledged career. This causes a huge rift in the crew and because the movie’s going to end soon they get over it, set up an audition with a major dance production and win over the big wigs despite Kelly’s jealous ex dance instructor/lecherous creep’s best efforts to stop them.

Breakin is a lot of fun, there’s a comic bar fight while hilariously dippy country music plays, tons of crazy break dancing including a kid on crutches who rocks the house and let’s not forget Ice-T’s early rapping which is laughable to say the least. Breakin is easily watched alone or with friends, drunk or sober, either way it’s still great fun.

That guy slouched in front of the mic, yup...Ice T

8 out of 10

Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch!

-Moe

My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 15 Part 1 Miike week (part 1)

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

HERE is a reminder about my rating system for these films

Hmmm so what torment is in store for me this week...
 Ichi the Killer

What is the film about?

Ichi the killer tells two coinciding stories of perversion and depravity. One the one side you have Ichi himself, a socially inept man-child who likes to watch girls get beat and frequents a prostitute who is always black and blue from her violent johns. When Ichi isn’t doing that he’s murdering people as a means of revenge for bullying he received (or did he?) as a kid. Conversely, there’s the story of Kakihara. A crime lord, blond coifed sadomasochistic pervert. Kakihara is trying to figure out what happened to his boss/mentor when he disappears (we the audience already know that Ichi has killed him). All of this really makes the answer to the next question all that easier...

Hmm...I wonder

Is the movie disturbing?

Miike is a master of the fucked up. If the beginning is a good idea of how the rest of the film is going to be, then you know you’re in for a treat (or not if you’re squeamish). The film opens with a man arguing that he should be guarding his boss’ door, but another man tells him no, not when he’s with a woman. The scene cuts to the man in the room with his woman. He’s beating her badly and starts to have rough sex with her. Ichi is watching from the window, masturbating. He knocks over a potted plant and the man goes to check, he slides open the door and no one is there and the camera cuts to the plant covered in cum. If you have a problem seeing guy glue then you’ll probably have a hard time watching this. Though that’s just one of MANY reasons you might have a hard time watching Ichi.

Say hello to the title screen (yes that's what you think it is)

Miike revels in the disturbing and the disgusting, he has guys hung from hooks and tortured with hot cooking oil. They show it up close and personal, you even get to watch the skin bubble up and fry (it’s an amazingly hard thing to watch). He shows people getting beaten to a pulp and mangled beyond recognition and people being cut to pieces, literally (sometimes, by themselves). There are amazing levels of delusion as well and one of the plot points involves learning that one of the central characters has been turned into what he is through hypnosis.

When I say literally, I MEAN literally

It’s essentially a story of perversion though. Ichi likes watching people get raped and can only get it up thinking about a girl he used to know being raped. He also gets off on murdering people. Needless to say if they were using modern forensic techniques they’d have a really easy time finding out who was killing off these people, tons of DNA evidence all over the place if you know what I mean. Kakihara’s techniques as well as his search for someone new to beat him take him to a whole new level in S&M.

Ichi - Portrait of a fucked up dude

Ichi the killer will be a tough sit for most people, but for those versed in Miike’s work. Should be easily enough to get through. Not for the squeamish!

Kakihara loves him some torture (what he does to this guy is arguably one of the hardest scenes in the film to watch)

4 out of 5

Disturbitude: 8 out of 10, it’s a pretty messed up flick.

Next up: Audition – More Miike (This is the first of two scheduled Miike double feature weeks, audition will be posted later in the week)

Much like Jijii, looks can be deceiving

Local Film Night at Master of None! - London Betty

London Betty

So not too long ago I heard that there was going to be a screening of a new film by local filmmaker Thomas Edward Seymour. I had seen some of his previous work and figured I’d take a night out and check it out. I’m glad I did; let’s start with the event itself. It took place at this nice little hole in the wall gallery/photography studio called Master of none on State St. in New Haven, CT. It’s the kind of place that has this wonderful ambiance and everywhere you look there’s something interesting to see. I suspect Master of None is a name the blog of thunder will be seeing many time in the future. (read more after the jump)

Twin Sitters

Twin Sitters

In a film filled with insane outfits, this one wins first prize

The Anabolically enhanced Paul twins are back again in yet another excuse to make muscle jokes. These guys just get bigger and bigger each time we see them. When we first saw them in the Barbarian Brothers they looked downright svelte compared to in this flick. Though to give them some credit, if you’ve seen pictures of them recently they have gone back to more realistic proportions.

Pictured: unrealistic

This time around they play a couple of bumbling waiters (with either the single worst or single greatest fashion sense depending on how you regard the early 90’s) looking to start up their own restaurant. The bank refuses them a loan because they have nothing but the muscles on their backs for collateral. By chance they wind up in a park serving up their “equity” to the homeless at the same time a business man is meeting with a government agent to turn state’s evidence on a man who was using his trucks to dump toxic waste into the sewer system of L.A. (not sure how they ever noticed). It’s a good thing too because the baddie (Stromm played by the single worst James Bond ever, George Lazenby) hired hitmen to find him and take him out. The dim witted, unarmed twins take these guys out like it was a walk in the park (ugh…sorry).

Really Lazenby?

The man is so thankful that he asks the twins to play babysitter to his nephews. There’s a reason why he thinks Peter and David will work well as their caretakers. See his nephews (spoiler alert) ARE TWINS! To guarantee the twins services he offers them $2500 a day each for a weeks worth of work. In what’s likely to be the least believable scene in the film the guys quickly do the math to determine that it’ll mean $35,000 for their services. They take the job!

Hmmm, What vehicle could possibly have this insane vanity plate?

Subtle guys, real subtle

The entire movie came be summed up in three words: muscles, food and twins. Every joke, every premise, even every action scene boils down to one or more of these things. It gets old kinda quick, but thankfully the Paul brothers have a certain charm that makes getting through this half-baked shit pile not nearly as painful as it could have been. In the end (because this is technically a family film) everything works out and the bad guy gets his. The many sets of twins and one set of triplets all wind up at the new restaurant at the end and thereis much rejoicing (yay yay). Seriously though, Twin sitters is yet another example of why a man named Paragon needs to look up the definition of the word before he tries to exemplify it. If you liked the other Barbarian Brothers films watch twin sitters because frankly it’s pretty much the same thing, if you didn’t…don’t wasteyour time.

This has to set some kind of twin record, four sets in the same shot

Ahh triplets, I knew something was missing

6 out of 10

Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch!

- Moe

P.S. This was the first review I’ve done so far where I personally supplied every single screen grab. I’m talking to field of crap cinema reviews to the next stage in crap cinema review technology HA!

As a bonus, LOOK AT THIS GUY'S FACE! KIL IT WITH FIRE!!

My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 14 - Still Truckin'

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

HERE is a reminder about my rating system for these films

Hmmm so what torment is in store for me this week...

The Girl Next Door – pray it’s not you

What’s the movie about?
Based on a true story of a girl taken in by a relative after her parents are killed in an accident. It’s a fairly straight forward plot, the real guts of the film revolve around what happens to said girl once she gets to the relatives house and this of course begs the question…


David and Meg...in happier times

Is the film disturbing?
Oh there’s little doubt about that! The story opens with a man named David, after he witnesses a man get hit by a car and almost die he starts thinking about life and death. It reminds him of an incident that happened to him in his youth. Meg and her younger sister have already had a pretty rough life. Their parents have died and now they have to go live with their auntie Ruth. Ruth makes it abundantly clear right from the beginning that she doesn’t like them. She insists that Meg is putting on weight and she shouldn’t be eating anything and her sister should learn to be useful, despite having braces on her legs and needs crutches to walk.


Ruth - Loving Matron

Ruth punishes the girls needlessly and ruthlessly. She beats the sister with a toilet brush after Meg hits one of her four obnoxious, perverted, demented kids for grabbing her boob during an impromptu tickle session. Things finally come to a head though and Meg finds herself tied up in the basement. She lets her boys loose on Meg and before long Meg is stripped, gagged and blindfolded. This would have been bad enough it this is where it ended, but it just gets worse. Meg is systematically beaten to a pulp, tortured and raped. Mostly by Ruth’s shitbox progeny, but the local neighborhood kids get involved as well (both the boys and some of the girls). All the while Ruth explains her sexist theories about why girls are shit and how they’re all whores and worthless. A very model of a modern mother, don’t you think?


They're a good bunch of kids...no really

Seeing as the entire story is told from David’s point of view, he’s present for all the atrocities. He’s also the only one who tried to help her during the entire ordeal. It’s pretty apparent that David is a nice guy; he’s the only nice guy in this thing aside from the cop who eventually helps them at the end. Also David is subjected to witness some of the most violent acts he will likely ever see in his life. The worst of which involves watching Meg getting branded with the words “I fuck, fuck me” and having a blowtorch taken to her most private of areas.


She still has clothes, so this must be early in the film

This is not an easy film to sit through, I can deal with rape and I can deal with torture so to speak, but what I always have the hardest time with (and I find this fascinating since I had never noticed this before I started this little experiment) watching a beautiful young lady turned from sweet and innocent to winding up a shell of her former self (and in this case, her untimely death). It’s just incredibly sad and no one should have to go through that. This is one of the few films on my list that touched me on a deeper level and definitely disturbed me to no end. I remember having the images in The Girl Next Door stick with me for quite some time after viewing the first time and I suspect the same will occur this time around. Though I do recommend it, I will say be weary. It’s not a film for the faint of heart.


Brutal

5 ruined childhoods out of 5

Disturbitude: 9, though I doubt the filmmakers started out with the idea of putting people in the hospital with this one it’s a deeply disturbing story that may just succeed, even if unintentional.

Cyborg

Cyborg

In the pantheon of muscle bound meathead leading men Van Damme was once king. Those days are long over, but for one fleeting moment the man could do no wrong. You got a script about a man traveling on foot across a post apocalyptic wasteland trying to get a half robot to (insert city here) so they can give the data needed to make a cure for some mystery affliction and get life back in order. Oh but you say that there’s a madman chasing the man because he LOVES the death and destruction. Shit, sounds like a winner to me. GREENLIGHT!


Executive Koala says "MAKE IT HAPPEN"

Congratulations, you just made Cyborg Starring Jean Claude Van Damme (couldn’t he have shortened that?) and a dude who looks creepily like my 3rd grade bus driver. The villain is seriously insane looking; he’s got these nasty dreads that he keeps in a ponytail, but they don’t actually start TIL the ponytail. So we got dirty extensions guy who wears 80’s baseball player wrap around glasses and chain mail for some reason. He looks like he’s always ready for some half-elf fighter/thief to pounce on him with his +4 dagger of invulnerability (god that sounded nerdy...meh whatever).


Ready for those pesky Orcs and slingers

The basic story for cyborg is pretty much what I mentioned above. Van Damme plays a “slinger”(I guess that’s what they call a person with no job, no discernable way of survival, but carries a huge fucking knife) who is “hired” by the half robot/ half woman cyborg (hence the title) with a bad wig to protect her till she gets to..uh, some city. The city doesn’t really matter; it seems to be a very minor plot point even though it’s supposed to be the MAIN PLOT POINT! Van Damme, apparently not being very good at his supposed job loses her and then spends the rest of the movie playing catch up with a chick with the single worst boob job I’ve seen in ages who decides to tag along because she wants to make sure the chick is safe.


A practical guide for recognizing your slingers: Chatpter one - BIG FUCKING KNIFE

Here’s the thing, whoever wrote this half robot/ half turd (I call it a turdborg) must have been a guitar-obsessed freak. Van Damme’s name in the film is, get this, GIBSON RICKENBACKER! So he’s not named after one, but TWO guitars and the villain is named Fender Tremolo(the only way that name could have gotten worse is if it were Stratocaster). These are names you’d almost expect in Six String Samurai, had it not been a significantly classier action flick. But this is not a classy flick so we get Gibson v. Fender in a fight to the death. And believe you me they fight to the death.


Ladies and gentleman, the writer of Cyborg...makes a lot of sense now

Cyborg actually isn’t that bad as far as Van Damme films are concerned, but the premise, story and acting are sub-par at best and laughable at worst. This is the kind of film you’d watch with a bunch of friends and take a shot every time Van Damme mispronounces a word, looks unnecessarily pensive or makes a silly face while fighting. Make sure you have multiple bottles on hand because drinking will be done. It seems like a film that would be better drunk. Maybe I’ll try that one of these days and let you know.


I told you he was bad at his job, who gets crucified their first week?!

Till next time, Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch

-Moe

7 out of 10

My Top Ten Favorite Films (April Fools Prank 2010)

My Top Ten Favorite Films

10.) Armageddon -
My favorite director, Michael Bay starts off my list with his subtle tale of loss and woe. If there's anything that Bay is good at it's nuance. The man can speak volumes with the slightest shift of the camera or the use of a solar flare effect. I'm thankful most days that I live in a time when I can appreciate this future lifetime acheivement award winner while he's still producing his art.

Michael Bay enjoying a typical breakfast

9.) The Notebook -
For those of you who know me well enough it's pretty clear that I'm an unapologetic Nicholas Sparks fan. When I originally found out that they had made The Notebook (my second favorite of his works after the Last Song, which will likely replace this on the list after I see it)I was amazed at the depth of feeling portrayed by the leads and was amazed at how I couldn't get more then ten minutes without having to stop the film due to my constant stream of tears (both of joy and of sadness *I'm tearing up now just thinking about it*) I can't go on...

Makes me cry every time *sniff sniff*

8.) Must Love Dogs -
What's better than an award worthy romantic comedy. How this movie didn't sweep the oscars is beyond me. John cusack gave a tour de force performance and at least deserved a best lead male academy award. It's a film for the fans of dogs and of love...in all of us.

Canine appreciation required


7.) Bad Boys/Bad Boys II -
As a man I find action films irresistable and with Michael Bay behind the helm it doesn't get much better than the Bad Boys movies. With skillful and competent like Lawrence and Smith playing the leads how could you go wrong. Yet another example of Bays use of shading and subtlety to portray the greater emotional spectrum that the lead actors are putting forth. A knockout punch of pure talent that you'll find yourself watching over and over again.


6.) 13 going on 30 -
There are few finer actresses than Jennifer Garner. Her cinematic range is put to the test in the existential masterpiece of a young girl flowering into an adult overnight. Much like kafka's metamorphosis minus the unnecessary Blattarian imagery. Jennifer's enuii dealing with her situation is inspired and can motivate any young girl (or grown man) to tears with empathy for her conundrum. Watch it with a rag to dry your tears and a good friend to rest your head on.

This brings me back to the days when I discovered I had sprouted breasts

5.) Daredevil -
The other half of the power couple popularly called "Aflner" stars in this, the finest example of comic movie adaptations ever created. Simply put this is the finest film based on a comic...period.

THE BEST EVER!

4.) Good Luck Chuck (or really any Dane Cook Film) -
One cannot discuss subtlety without mentioning the master thespian Dane Cook. My maw stands agape whene I can bear witness to the man perform his art. Not one to sully his audience's experience with dullardry or creating a manic specticle with tomfoolery. Cook stands head and shoulders about his competition by keeping himself a notch above the rest. One has not lived until they have witness Dane in his shining role as a man named Chuck. He makes me shudder with antici.....pation for his next role (I have goosebumps just thinking about it)

I have no idea what this picture means

3.) The Passion of the Christ -
As the majority of you know I am what one would call a devout Catholic and once I had heard Mel Gibson had created a passion play for the big screen I knew I had to be first in line. I camped for four days to get my tickets and when the booth opened I got myself tickets for every showing that day and the next. The film moved me to tears with it's accurate and even handed portrayal of my lord christ. Passion really is the best word to describe it.

Passion!

2.) Any and all remakes -
Remakes are the backbone of the film industry. They are what keeps the inspirational juices flowing and we'd be in a worse place if they stopped making them. I cannot say a single bad thing about remakes. They are the reason I run this Blog and the reason why I continue to live without putting a bullet in my brain. I love remakes, all of them.

A prime example of my reason for breathing

1.) Transformers 2: Revenge of the fallen -
I know it's the obvious choice for me given my love for the Hollywood Talent Michael Bay, but allow me this indulgence this once. I want to give all my love to the man who has gone out of his way in the last decade to give me everything I've ever wanted in a film. And with Transformers 2: Revenge of the fallen he managed to give me more than I could ever hope and dream for in one adroit two and a half hour package

Bay-Bee