Friday, January 29, 2010

Elves (From the AIP Vaults)

From the vaults of AIP (Action International Pictures) comes a "Horror" classic: "Elves"!

AIP: A Sign of Quantity

AIP is a company that produced a treasure trove of low budget direct-to-video films that specialized in action movies, as the company name implies. Being a low-budget production company, you would think they would have been familiar with their forebear "American International Pictures" the original AIP. Why they used that name is a bit puzzling. Even though they made other types of genre movies, it was with action that they hit their stride. Although they ceased production in 1994, they left behind a legacy of VHS gems such as: "White Fury", "Alien Seed" (with Erik Estrada), and "Shredder Orpheus" (Maybe they weren't all gems) More AIP reviews will be forthcoming.

Elves - They're not working for Santa...Anymore

Oh the problems a simple drop of blood can bring.

Elves is what we in the business call and I apologize for using the technical term, a crapfest. There are moments in it where you sit back and wonder. Why the fuck am I watching this, subjecting myself to this kind of torment. Other times you’ll be laughing at the more than ample supply of unintentional humor. To say the least this is an ordeal.

What you probably didn’t know is that Elves is a documentary. It explains that if you cut yourself in the woods while reading an evil book you’ll bring about a slew of demented mini neo-nazi elves. It’s true and now you know! Oh and if you want to get rid of them all you need to do is get Grizzly Adams and he’ll make everything better, that sweet sweet man.

Tell me you don't want a hug from this man!

When I grow up I wanna look just like Dan Haggerty, He delivers a star caliber performance in what would otherwise be an entirely worthless flick. Elves was made in 1989, but must have been filmed much earlier, the slang is borderline god-awful. Speaking of god-awful, the elves are possibly the worst puppets I’ve ever seen, the perpetually shocked look on their face reminds me of a dog who you’ve snuck up on and he’s shocked, but about to bite you.


So if you’re a fan of shit and my guess is you are, by all means take a chance with Elves, it’s the perfect Christmas gift!

4 out of 10, but a great movie to make fun of with your friends, you’ll be saying “Santa said oral” for years, trust me…we have.

P.S. did I mention it took three people to write this turd.


  1. while i dont like the term "god-awful" i do however like this review. :)