Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Bride Wars - I Can't Believe I Watched This on Purpose!

(I'll start off with a happy image because the rest of the movie is just painful)

You know what’s embarrassing? Yes, admitting to watching bride wars is pretty embarrassing, but that’s not what I meant. What’s embarrassing is asking a studio for millions of dollars to produce a film that (on paper) should net huge profits. It’s a film that has an all-star cast, a story of weddings and bridezillas. You figure you can’t fail because it has all these elements that little girls (and not so little girls) love and hold close to their hearts. And then the film fails so miserably that it’s painful. A film that is so hated that it’s actually not even fair for me to be writing this review. Now that is embarrassing.

Bride wars tells the story of two utterly forgettable characters played by Anne Hathaway and the queen of modern chick flicks, Kate Hudson. For the sake of this review (since I never bothered to learn their names) we’ll call them Anne and Kate because really, who cares? The girls have an unnatural obsession with their wedding day and have apparently been planning this extravaganza since they were little girls. Is this really how young girls think? So of course after a major mix up and the girls are accidentally booked on the same day for their weddings the proverbial shit hits the fan. It sets off a course of petty bickering and revenge plots that frankly aren’t funny enough to keep a guy’s attention and are too cruel to keep a girl’s. By the end it’s making a frantic attempt to clear everything up so all us young girls in the audience can have our obligatory happy ending.

"we just ruined not one, but TWO weddings, oh who cares we're not paying for it!"

This would normally be the part where I’d talk about what I enjoyed about the film. Next…

Bride Wars is almost literally ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag. Not only is it painful to watch it’s also insulting to the females of the species. I wouldn’t wish Bride Wars on my worst enemy, though I do wish this had been around back when we started the war in Iraq. One screening of this in the prison camps and people would have talked, trust me. I was admitting all sorts of troubling personal information just to see if it would shut off. Apparently it wasn’t enough though because the film just kept on playing. I was hoping that the movie would have at least one redeeming quality (other than Anne Hathaway being kind of hot) because it almost seems cliché for it to be the first movie on Drunk on VHS To receive the infamous and dreaded…

0 Bright Orange, Blue Haired Bridezillas out of 5

(seriously, this is the joke of the movie...i mean aside from the movie itself)

Next Up: An MRI to see if I suffered any permanent damage and then maybe Food Inc., maybe I’ll enjoy watching animals being slaughtered more.

P.S. Ouch, my brain


  1. This is probably one of my favorite reviews yet. I will probably never watch this film, though I secretly hope it comes on TV unexpectedly so that I can be reminded to read this review again and laugh as hard as I did the first time...

  2. The most disturbing thing is, as a married man who occasionally has to sit through bowel achingly terrible faeces like this, it's not only not the worst one it's absolutely mindboggling just how many steaming piles of effluent like this that there are out there!
    I pity the children.