My Personal Top 5 Podcasts

As a podcast host myself, I listen to an ungodly number of podcasts. I enjoy them more than TV sometimes. I ride my bike/bus to work everyday and so I have a lot of time to listen to these things. I'm sure as avid readers of mine and listeners of my show you'd love to hear about what shows I listen to regularly...

So without further interruption here are the top 5 podcasts...according to me.  You may be asking yourself why should you care which podcasts I like? FUCK YOU, that's why!

5.) The Pod F Tompkast - Funnyman Paul F. Tompkins has finally answered the sirens call that is, the comedy podcast. Being only 5 episodes in makes this one an easy choice because I can still remember every episode so far. Paul eschews the traditional "man with a mic" podcast format and rather sets his show up like it's some kind of bawdy night of fun. Mixing his stand up with skits and humorous monologues Tompkins manages to keep the audience's attention for the full length of the show.

4.) Tell 'em Steve Dave - Brian Johnson (Kevin Smith film regular) hosts this, one of the MANY Smodcast network shows, seriously there's like 12 of them. TESD spends a lot of time on the rocky and sometimes downright cruel relationship between Brian and his lady. The only reason why i wouldn't/couldn't recommend Steve Dave to any, but the most avid podcast listeners is the exceptionally long run time of the show. Usually running in around an hour and a half per episode, it can run as long as two hours. A very funny show regardless. (Note: Smodcast is actually a better show, but if you've heard Kevin Smith talk about Kevin Smith then there's no need for further explanation.)

3.) Doug Loves Movies - Super High Me's Doug Benson hosts this wacky movie podcast. Typically taped live in front of an audience after Comedy Death Ray, Doug invites several of his comedian friends on and they discuss new releases and movies they've recently watched. The crowning achievement of DLM is the Leonard Maltin Game, it's sort of like "name that tune" but with IMDB movie lists. Doug uses choice quotes from Maltin reviews as hints and then they have to guess in how many names can they guess the movie in. The best part is when Doug gets angry with the guests for having to repeat the rules incessantly during the course of the game.

2.) WTF with Marc Maron - I have to admit I was never into Marc Maron as a comedian, but I also have to admit that I love listening to his tirades and diatribes. WTF is typically played out in two parts; the first bit is Marc discussing recent events in his life or pulling one man skits. The second act is when he has his guest on and they discuss whatever comes to mind. His banter with his guests is superb and he really knows how to keep the flow moving.

1.) Nerdist - Chris Hardwick is quickly become one of the best interviewers in the business. The Spry and quick witted host of G4's Web Soup is engrossing to listen to and hilarious with a joke. Nerdist, as you can guess, likes to delve into the world of nerdery quite a bit, but most often is Chris discussing his life long love affair with comedy. If you ever wondered how to break in to the world of comedy then Nerdist may very be the show for you. Hardwick loves to discuss with his guests who their inspiration have been and how they broke in to the biz. Nerdist does keep it real on the nerd front too though, just check out his amazing interview with Mythbuster Adam Savage or with the 11th Doctor Matt Smith for prime examples.

If 5 is too many shows to check out (I listen to 11, so stop being a pussy!) and you just want to check out one, I'd say go with Nerdist. Unless you're a stoner and then Doug Loves Movies might be your best bet.



On a final note about podcasts, Season 2 of Drunk on VHS will begin airing soon sop keep your ears out for that one!

-Moe

Raw Deal

(Moe Note: I just want to take a quick moment to state that this will likely be my last review for a while, My Lady Jill, whom you may remember from several of our podcasts she was involved in, was recently Diagnosed with cancer and I want to devote myself to her treatment and being there for her. She's gonna need a lot of help and my weekly allotment of movie time will likely slip away for a while. Once she gets better I will resume watching and writing, but till then keep her in your thoughts and we'll do our best to work through this - Moe)

Raw Deal

Holy Shit! After being years since the one and only time I've ever seen Raw Deal I decided to revisit the title to see if it lives up to my memory. This, you may already know, is a lofty goal and many a film fail. Raw Deal does not fail in any sense of the word. In fact it manages to bend my childhood over and rapes it in only the most tender and caring way you can when dealing with fully automatic weaponry. 

Romance

I oft forget how much I loved Arnie before his recent political career. Thankfully we have a catalog of old awesome action films to remind us. Sadly though it's pretty easy to forget flicks like Raw deal when you have the insane classics like Predator, Commando, Total Recall, The Conan Movies and of course, Jingle All the Way. With those ever so quotable films looming on your pop culture referencing minds it's easy to skip over a flick like this which really only has one really quotable line “You shouldn't drink..and bake”. There are others, but that's really the best one.

Raw Deal is the story of a disgraced FBI agent, Kaminsky, played by Arnie. All we know is that Kaminsky enjoys punching people in the face enough times to put them in the ICU. He's now the sheriff in some podunk hick town where he still manages to fit in a daily car chase and yet is bored to death. His wife is a drunk, she apparently drinks and bakes. Darrin McGavin offers him an opportunity to play mole and one man army all at the same time. He is to implant himself into the Chicago mob syndicate and take them out from the inside. You see, they were responsible for killing off McGavin's son and he no longer cares to stay within the realm of the law. No one knows Kaminsky is there except McGavin. I don't see any way that could possibly go wrong, right? Regardless it hardly matters because the second he';s found out he kills the only people that know and initiates his attack plan on the mob. The Climax is so brutal and violent you will giggle like a little girl and any little girls unfortunate enough to have seen this will have a nice couple days growth on their face and talk a few octaves lower. It's that powerful!

Kolchak is an emotional powerhouse

Here's the thing though, Raw Deal has easily one of the best stories of any Arnie flick. It's pretty shallow, but not as shallow as his typical fare. Darren McGavin also gives the film a much needed touch of class. There's a scene where he's telling Arnie that his son was killed and the director made the right move in keeping the camera on McGavin's face instead of cutting to Arnold's reaction. Darrin McGavin is what we like to call in the business...an ACTOR and with this particular skill set he manages to make the film slightly more believable. Be thankful for this too because without him Raw Deal is just another generic 80's action flick with decent violence. Raw Deal would still stand out though, it has some of the best comeuppance I've seen on film in a long time. The bad guys get it real good like!

Imagine these guys...only dead

Raw Deal is as cathartic as film gets. It has everything you need for pure satisfaction; a great story, great violence, a shitty tacked on love story, sarcasm and amazing comeuppance. In fact, how this film doesn't top the list of Bosh's favorite films is beyond me, except maybe that it's a little too well known and wasn't direct to video. It will forever remain a mystery

5 out of 5

Drink up, I've got movies to watch

-Moe

P.S. - If you've never seen Kolchak: The Night Stalker, do yourself a favor and watch it. It's amazing television.

Sharktopus



Quality!

A few thoughts run through my mind as I stare wide eyed at the credits that roll in front of me. I think to myself, is this real? And also...IS THIS FUCKING REAL?! Did I really just watch a movie about a top secret government funded super weapon where they created a half shark/half octopus where the biggest celebs involved are Eric Roberts and the guy who played the sidekick in Nacho Libre? But as I reflect upon my last 2 hours it slowly dawns on me that everything I just saw was 100% real. I'm afraid i may be damaged for life.

Sharktopus is one of those movies that shouldn't even be allowed to be reviewed. It's almost too easy to write something up on it. The idea is so outlandish that just writing a basic plot summary is enough to garner a few laughs and if you didn't laugh at that first paragraph...well then I have bad news for you, you have no soul. Syfy really went all out to bring you this film too. They hired legendary cult film producer Roger Corman who I'm sure jumped on it as soon as he read the one sheet. The problem is that in hiring Corman they had to cut the budget for special FX and rehearsals, but not for moderately hot chicks. The film is chock full of those bouncing around in their ill fitting bikinis and butter faces. Even the female lead, who was the hottest chick in this thing, looked like one of those girls from those high school comedies where they give the ugly girl a makeover which consists of taking off her glasses and POOF she's hot. The only problem is that she looked better with the glasses. It's kinda sad, but the guys looked better (no homo? Is that the right usage of that?).

This is the hot one

OK so the “film” opens up with the Blue Water corporation running some final tests on a new weapon. They helpfully save a girl's life who's about to be eaten by a sharktopus minus the “opus”. Of course there's some military stuffed shirt there demanding more real life scenarios be done with the sharktopus. Despite their protests that it still needed some testing they follow his orders to sneak up and follow a speedboat undetected. This is when the boat veers in front of the creature knocking out it's controlling implants and ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE!!



OH NOES!!!

Basically the rest of the film is an excuse to show half naked women doing inane things and then dying at the tentacle spikes of the SHARKTOPUS!! Every death is more ridiculous than the last and ultimately they even go so far as to imply that they're about to kill a little boy, but they let him live. Sadly the “stars” involved can't say the same as Roberts is given the single most gruesome death in the movie and “Esqueleto” gets killed off screen. Guess they must have run out of money by that point?

There's nothing really all that redeeming about the movie except for the overall insanity factor. If seeing a film about a half shark/half octopus walk up on land to kill things then I have some good news. You'll most likely love this! If your taste is a little more discerning than mine well maybe you should skip this one. Checking on the Syfy website I see the next time Sharktopus is on is in November so if you really wanna see it, you better check your local listing to find out exactly when it'll be on. This is a great flick to get hammered at poke fun at with some friends OR if you're insane you can watch it alone and sober. Either way I suspect you'll have fun. Just like I did!

Sharktopus calls out to be seen by the masses. Even with all it's flaws it's an amazing event!

3.5 out of 5

Drink up, I've got movies to watch!
- Moe

Bitch Slap

Refreshing!

Bitch Slap is not what one might call a subtle movie. If it were a puppy it'd be the kind of puppy that would be barking and attacking the other dogs to vie for your attention. It puts up a good fuss and has a lot of fun energy, but ultimately you want a puppy that's not going to shit in your slippers and shred your newspaper. Yes I just compared Bitch Slap to a disobedient puppy. It just seemed like Bitch Slap was trying too hard to be noticed and ultimately suffered for it.

The film follows the story of three beautiful women on the search for some stolen diamonds that have conveniently been stolen from them. That's not where the story winds up though because this thing has so many convoluted twists I was surprised when it DIDN'T say “from the mind of M. Night Shyamalananananaian”. I should state for the record that I did actually kind of enjoy the film, but it failed in a lot of what it was attempting to do.

1. I'm sorry I don't care how much blood is in a film if there are no tits it doesn't deserve an R. Maybe they should create a lower case “r” rating for “sure there are some swears and a lot of fighting, but despite the three sets of HEAVING, SWEATING, GIGANTIC tits you don't actually get to SEE any of them”. It's also not a consolation to set a scene in a strip club to make up for this fact. I was interested because one of the girls looks insanely like Mila Kunis and frankly I was hoping to see some of that sweater meat.
   
   

   

   A graphic representation of "Sweater Meat"
2. This may hearken back to point 1, but if you're going to try so desperately to feel like Russ Meyer's film then you've got to expose some flesh.
3. If it hasn't been 100% obvious I'm a old school kind of guy and when 85% of a film is shot in front of a green screen it kinda ruins it for me. I get that they were trying to look cheap(or more likely trying to look like Sin City), but it didn't have to look so stale too. Digital is all well and good when it works, but when done wrong (even intentionally) it ruins the whole thing for me.

OK so enough of me harping on what I didn't like. Lets chat briefly about what I did like. The acting was gloriously over the top. Every line reminds me of a bygone era when shitty acting was the norm. This could have very well been unintentional seeing that the biggest achievement of the three female leads comes from Julia Voth who is the likeness for Jill Valentine from the 2002 remake of Resident Evil on. So yeah, not very high hopes for these three. The names had me laughing; Trixie, Hel, Camaro are the leads, but there's also Gage, Deputy Fuchs, Hot Wire, Kinki and so on. The only name that every seemed really forced was Camaro, it became a chore hearing that name over and over.

Another aspect I rather enjoyed was the cast of celebrity cameos. It was a who's who of Sam Raimi produced television. Kevin Sorbo, Lucy Lawless, Renee O'Connor (Gabrielle from Xena). They all livened up the movie if even just for the brief moment they took the screen. It was a reminder that there were some good actors in this thing too.

Kinda makes up for Kull, Kinda

So despite Bitch Slap trying too hard to be the next Faster Pussycat Kill Kill!! it still pulled off being a fun sexy action film. I said there were no tits, but by golly if there aren't a lot of cleavage shots and it's more than enough to get the blood flowing. Bitch Slap is the kind of movie to watch with a couple of friends, get really drunk and poke the shit out of it while ogling some boobies.

3 out of 5

Drink Up, I've Got Movies to Watch

Moe

The Dungeon Masters

The Dungeon Masters -

Every now and again I like to indulge my inner (though mostly outer) nerd and watch something incredibly nerdy. I've done this twice recently and the first nerd night involved having my lady over. Which granted was the least nerderific quality of the evening, but hey all nerds when they have a girl like to flaunt it right? We played some Magic: The Gathering (jealous?) and settled down to a documentary, the nerdiest film genre, about D&D game masters. Sadly Magic: The Gathering was the more fun item on the agenda.

The Dungeon Masters tells the depressingly true story of three Dungeon masters, hitherto fore to be referred to as DMs. Each DM was more pathetic than the last, each with their own tale of woe and longing for social acceptance. The film really does little for nerd culture. It just makes D&D players out to be the sad loners that the stereotype has always suggested. I thought we had gotten past this? Sadly no.

And this wasn't in the movie, why?

Stereotypes sometimes exist for a reason and though it is true that there is a certain amount of geek chic going around these days you have to remember that it wasn't all that long ago that it would be considered uncool to be a D&D player. To be a DM it takes a special kind of personality. You want to be entertaining and skillful in storytelling, and not be afraid to kill off an entire party if they do the wrong thing. And to have control over every situation within the game. If these three had any of these qualities it was barely touched upon.

LARPers, yup...they went there

Frankly the film would have been significantly better if it were a celebration of the game and not just a travelogue of the three incredibly depressing DMs they chose to follow. Only one of them was interesting enough to really have deserved being in the film and he spent the entire time moping around because he can't get a book deal for his shitty writing. Seriously dude, STFU and go run a campaign! The girl they decide to follow was so morose that she had me contemplating re-rolling my proverbial character sheet on a few occasions. The guy who seemed like he may have been the best DM of the lot, though you'd never know because they barely shot any footage of them playing games, looked like such a child molester it was disturbing. His reunion with his estranged “son” didn't help the matter either. He wouldn't look right at him, yet the guy had a big creepy smile on his face the whole time. Awkward much?

A face you can't trust your kids with

There are better games worth playing out there, dig a little deeper and you'll find one.

2 out of 5

Big Shots

 

Big Shots [VHS]

There was a time in my life when this movie would have been the bee's knees for me. I would have been 14 at the time and I wouldn't have known that two greats in the industry were making this piece of crap. Ivan Reitman produced Big Shots and Joe Eszterhas wrote it. Most of you probably know Reitman, he's a big name. Eszterhas maybe not so much, but if you're into the kind of movies I watch then you'd better know him. His writing credits are near legendary; Basic Instinct, Showgirls, Sliver and THIS? C'mon Joe, seriously?

Anyway, Big Shots tells the story of 12 year old Obie played by Ricky Busker who did literally nothing else in film after this. It starts off nice enough with Obie having that awkward father/son talk about sex and people's parts and what they do. Obie sums it up perfectly when he asks “Why do we always have to talk about this gross stuff?”. Well Obie won't have to worry about that for much longer because you see, daddy dies pretty quick. The Obester takes it so bad that he hops on his bike and rides it to the inner city of Chicago. He realizes he done messed up once he can only see those mythical creatures he's only heard about in his monochrome suburban school (for rich kids), black people. In a touch of the subtlety Eszterhas is known for Obie is robbed pretty much the second his bike stops.

"The name's Obediah, it's in the bible" - Obie

Then we get to meet Eddie Winslow, er, uh I mean Scam. Yup, they named the little black kid “Scam” played by Darius Mcrary in his debut role. Scam is a really bad street hustler who somehow manages to scrape by. He's essentially a walking stereotype, but that's just more of Eszterhas' subtlety. Big Shots is essentially three films in one.

Imagine this, but shabbier

The first bit of the film deals with family turmoil and the death of Obie's dad. The second film is a comedy about street smart kids trying to get back some stolen goods (specifically Obie's stolen watch). Lastly it's a film about friendship and doing whatever you can to help a friend. This last bit is essentially the entire second half of the film. Obie and Scam steal a car from some bad guys (and like the cover of the box says “they stole a car with a body in the trunk”). The bad guys find out and a transcontinental car chase ensues. The boys are surprisingly good drivers for 12 and one of the inexplicable questions that never gets answered is why no one ever seems to question WHY these two obviously underage boys are DRIVING!

The best part is that the kids seem to have very little understanding of the danger they're in, probably the least realistic aspect of a film that's already borderline fantasy. It's not until the bad guys are ramming their bumper that they realize they MIGHT be in some kind of trouble and the only thing they can spout out is “those are the guys that want their car back”. A car, let me remind you, that has had a dead body in the trunk for at least a week not counting the drive from Chi town to Louisiana where Scam's (ne Jeremy's) father lives.

Note to future 12 year olds, if you're gonna steal a car...steal this one because you won't get in trouble.

The more I think about this movie the more it hurts my brain. It's like the entire movie is one giant loose end after another and nothing ever gets explained. Scam's dad has been gone for years and hasn't even tried to keep in touch and yet is thoroughly excited to see him when he gets there and again doesn't ask them why they're driving. The cops do nothing despite the smokey and the bandit style car chases that leave dozens of cars wrecked and one entire used car lot engulfed in flames. Obie's mom somehow makes it the exact spot Obie is heading to despite no one telling her. She had the address the boys were given by the uncle who's in the IRS, but the boys were told where the father was by a bar maid in Louisiana. The bad guys get caught, but it's never explained what happened to them. Why didn't scam's father cry when scam told him that the mother died? I'm assuming it would have been off screen, but he's all smiles and lack of child neglect from the moment Scam gets there. Why did Obie feel the need to tell his sister she had a nice ass and why did she like that he said that? Do the boys ever get in trouble for stealing a motherfucking cop car and kicking a cop in the nuts after they rob a pawn shop? And that's just about half of the lingering questions I had as the film progressed. When I say nothing is explained, I mean that NOTHING is explained. It's baffling.

The best part about Big Shots is the supporting cast whether it be the small time thief and hustler who becomes the boys “surrogate father” Johnnie Red played by the amazing Paul Winfield. To the Sleazy nogoodnic pawn shop owner played by the usually much more cheerful Robert Prosky. The supporting cast is just amazing and it's littered with faces you'll recognize. Most likely because at the time Ivan Reitman was a big deal to work with. Certainly not because this is any kind of good movie.

I'm a Star Fleet PIMP!

If you like open ended story lines that require you to figure out what happened then you'll most likely enjoy Big Shots. Personally, I prefer to save my brain power for good movies and schlock like this should be spelled out. Big Shots is a discombobulated mess that should probably be avoided unless you happen to be a Joe Eszterhas completionist even then I'd say “pretend he never wrote this”. The sad thing is that Big Shots had a couple of really great moments that I can't deny, like the two boys getting all worked up because the country bumpkin bartender in the south told them flat out “niggers don't drink here” and they flip out and tell him that someone's gonna come in one day and “smash his face in and piss on it”. Those moments are so few and far between that it's hard to stand the bits of film between those parts.

P.S. the boys never once looked like this in the film!

Drink up...I've got movies to watch

2 out of 5

Lo

Lo was not at all what I was expecting it to be. It's a film that markets itself as a horror film with a slight love twinge, but is quite the opposite. Lo is actually the story of love, loss and deception.

Oh, and smoking hellions

The story begins in a dark room. A man is conducting some kind of ritual, but clearly has no idea what he's doing. The filmmakers tell you nothing of the man and barely a word is spoken for the first five or so minutes. We soon discover the man is named Justin and he's hoping to summon a hellion to help him discover what happened to his girlfriend April. She's been kidnapped by a demon and he wants her back. Motherfucker apparently has no problem calling on the power of hell to do it either...now THAT'S devotion!

Sadly Justin Failed his Demonic Summoning final by 3 points

Lo is essentially the equivalent of a "clip show" flashing back to events from the past without ever actually leaving the present. The film incorporates an interested way of handling  these flashbacks. Lo projects Justin's thoughts onto a stage in the form of short plays where from certain angles you can see the other actors back stage smoking (or fucking, though no nudity) . It becomes pretty apparent though that Lo is obviously using Justin's memories to service some ulterior motive though. The Hellion begins twisting the truth and putting words into the mouths of the actors. What is this beast trying to accomplish? Is there something going on below the surface that no one is telling us about? Is there really a god?! WHO KNOWS?! you'll just have to watch the film to find out (well except for that god one...but that's a conversation for a different time)

The Minimalist set design and very low budget feel to the movie might turn some viewers off to the film, but I can assure you that Lo is worth the watch. Some of the comedy misses the mark a little, but that just stands to make the flick that much more endearing. It's a fun little offbeat love story that just happens to have the occult, demons, hellions and a couple of bloodied naked people writhing behind a sheet talking about the torture they go through in hell when they're not bickering like a married couple.  

if you look, you'll see the wall in the background is a set painting

Jeremiah Birkett handles the role of Lo with such antagonism that you will be swimming in his lines for days after watching it. I can pretty much guarentee that by the time the movie ends you'll be calling whoever you watched it with "dinner" (which is what he called Justin throughout the film). The actors who play Justin and April are a tad amatuerish, but fun enough to watch making, in the end, Lo a great bit of fun for an evening where you need a little romance, but with a serrated edge.  

4.5 out of 5

I Stand Alone

Last night I watched the film I Stand Alone, a French film boasting "Please note that some scenes in this film are highly graphic and sexual in nature." I'll start off by saying that almost nothing in the film was highly graphic unless I slept through it. What the movie is, however, is intense. It's a story of a man who, after losing his job, slowly starts to spin out of control. He quickly loses his grasp on reality and goes on a theoretical killing spree. That is to say that he talks an awful lot about killing people.

From the moment the movie starts I was certain it was going to be another french shockfest filled with disturbing sex scenes and brutal violence (a la Catherine Breillat). I was grossly mistaken. I have to admit though that my expectations did come slightly from how it was marketed on netflix, but should have known better. There is exactly one brutally violent scene in the film where the main character, simply referred to as "the butcher", knees and punches his pregnant girlfriend in the stomach killing the baby and one disturbing sex scene involving the butcher and his daughter. If that's enough to turn you off to the film then it's probably best that you not watch it anyway.

I thoroughly enjoyed the film though, despite my disappointment in lack of violence. The Butcher's descent into madness is jaw dropping at times and borderline tear jerking at others. If you don't hate the Butcher by the end of the film then you probably have no soul, but at the very least you can sympathize with his madness. I Stand Alone is a dark look at one man's growing isolation in a world he barely wants to be in anymore. A slow spiral from wanting to make a better life for himself to wanting to kill everyone he sees, including himself. Once the Butcher pops back into reality at the end of the film you discover that maybe he had a better plan in his fantasy world.

4.5 out of 5 stars

My Year in Disturbing Film: Week 18 - Sweet Movie

My year in disturbing film is my weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

HERE is a reminder about my rating system for these films

Hmmm so what torment is in store for me this week...

Sweet movie

What is the movie about?
Sweet Movie is a cluster fuck of imagery and ideas. It never settles on anything long enough to do much of anything more than gross you out or make you wonder what is going on. It doesn’t help that a decent chunk of time you’ll be covering your eyes because there’s so much nasty shit in this flick.

I’ll do my best for you though, my readers, to best explain exactly what’s going on in this film. The best I could understand it there were two interchanging story lines. One involved a girl chosen by a rich bachelor to be his bride, but then is kicked out and finds herself traveling the world. The other story has a much less convoluted plot; a woman is captaining a boat filled with candy (and other things) around the world “protesting the war”. I will admit aside from some songs she sings I never really see her protesting anything except clothing. All this is very good, but still begs the eternal question…

Is the film disturbing?
Sweet Movie was almost the first film on this list that I almost shut off (ask bosh, he’ll confirm it). I’ve stated in previous entries that people have certain thresholds for disturbing imagery and my weakness is poop. I can handle so many terrible things in my movies, but show me someone pooping on a plate and celebrating it and I’m done. If the scatological scenes had been any longer I would have been shutting down this film.

Thankfully this is chocolate!

But that’s only the tip of the iceberg and I’m actually getting ahead of myself.

The main storyline follows a woman (whose name never seems to be given) who wins a virginity contest and the prize is getting hitched to the richest bachelor in the world. The film is quite ahead of its time, a televised contest where you get to marry a rich bachelor? What happens next though is not likely to have happened on the show. The bachelor scrubs his body and her (she was Miss Canada in the contest so I’ll call her that) body down with rubbing alcohol and then reveals he has a golden penis and pees on her. This is within the first ten minutes of the film, so you have a great idea were the film is going.

taking golden showers to a whole new level

Miss Canada’s story if rife with scat and nastiness that will sit with you for days (perhaps weeks). After the bachelor kicks her out she begins her travels with a large black man (named Jeremiah). He packs her into a suitcase and ships her off to France where she meets El Macho. They fuck in public under his cape and humorously wind up stuck. I forgot to mention that this is basically a comedy, yup a comedy and when it’s not shitting on screen it’s pretty damn funny. Eventually she finds herself with this weird hippy looking cult that, guess what, is shit based (ugh, more poop). She’s in a catatonic state when she gets there and they take some pretty wild chances at reviving her. They put her in a large basket and throw lettuce at her. Then they breastfeed her, thankfully if there’s anything this flick isn’t lacking is bare breasts. Granted, a lot of the time they are covered in some kind of substance (be it poop, chocolate, vomit…etc). When her story ends she’s back in the home of the rich bachelor doomed to either live in her personal hell or relive the whole ordeal over again.

OM NOM NOM

The other storyline involves a female boat captain ferrying a vessel from port to port “protesting” the war. The boat is fantastical, there’s a huge head on the front that I think is supposed to be Lenin. The boat is filled with candy and where ever she goes people seem to go out of their way to try to get on the ship. One such person is a naval officer that she dubs “Potemkin” who spends the majority of the film with her. The thing we discover is that she murders everyone that comes on the ship. She murders several little boys after performing a strip tease in front of them. Thankfully they don’t show the murders, but they do show the strip tease. As the film ends on her storyline she is arrested for murder and carted off, the bodies are left on the shore and they eventually awaken and stare up at the camera then the credits roll…it’s kind of creepy.

Spliced between these stories is documentary footage of the massacre in katyn forest. It’s not disturbing as such, but incredibly disgusting. This is real footage of real corpses from a real genocide. Needless to say it’s a little hard to watch. Remember the rest of this film is a comedy!

When Sweet Movie is over you’ll be questioning your sensibilities. You did just laugh at a guy pooping on a plate and dancing with it. It’s FUNNY! RIGHT? Depending on your style you may love Sweet Movie, but it’s just as easy to say you will hate it. It’s not an easy film to watch and may just have succeeded in damaging me permanently.

3 out of 5

Disturbitude: 9, WIN

A Vampire in Brooklyn

A Vampire in Brooklyn
Eddie Murphy has a very checkered past when it comes to his films. Well it turns out that at some point he got word to Wes Craven that he wanted to do a horror flick. Not much later we were given A Vampire in Brooklyn. Not a terrible film or at least not nearly as bad as I was expecting.

The film revolves around two people destined to come together. On the one side there’s Eddie Murphy as Maximillian. He’s a lonely vampire looking for a mate (in this version vampires don’t turn people as such, unless they make you a ghoul, they’re more like a breed). He only knows of one person who has vampire bloods in her, though she’s not a bloodsucker herself. Based on the title it’s a safe bet that you know where said half vamp is. Yup, Brooklyn. Apparently he also only has so long to find her and turn her (she has to give herself completely to him) before his time on this poor rock is over. So, in other words, Vampire in Brooklyn is yet another re-envisioning of the classic Nosferatu story.

Only much less attractive

Before I continue on to the other storyline the movie follows I need to take a second to explain to you a phrase I coined because it describes this movie. The term is what I call an “Urban Renewal”. A remake of a film remade with an all black cast. A prime example is the recent “Death at a funeral” remake. As much as I hate remakes I hate Urban Renewals even more, not as a notion of race. I couldn’t care less if it were an all black, all Hispanic, all Eskimo or all used mop cast. If the original was good, leave it alone. If you’re a filmmaker and you liked the original, make homage to it. But before I get too into this rant (which I WILL further expand upon at a later date) I just wanted to state that a Vampire in Brooklyn is essentially an Urban renewal Dracula minus any erotic connotations.

OK maybe just a little bit

The other side of the proverbial coin is Angela Basset who plays Rita. She’s a cop who seems to have issues sleeping. Probably all that vamp in her blood. She’s having all these crazy vivid dreams that she paints when she wakes up. It’s the classic good vamp bad vamp routine only the good vamp doesn’t realize it yet.

There are moments when Eddie does TRY to be frightening, but it's about as effective as a dog with no teeth

A vampire in Brooklyn actually manages to pull off some fun moments while still managing to be an utterly shite flick. I said it was better than I thought, but I did NOT say it was good. Eddie Murphy plays multiple characters (as usual) except this time one of those extra characters is funny. The vamp can apparently take the shape of a recent victim and in an attempt to woo Rita to his side he takes the form of a preacher. The preacher is the funniest part of the film. He convinces the entire congregation to chant and sing “evil is good”.

boogadaboogadaboogadi!

However, at the end of the day A Vampire in Brooklyn is a sorry excuse for a film and Eddie Murphy should have known better. I hope if he ever decides to work with Wes Craven again he let’s Wes write the material. On a technical level the flick is pretty good and I found myself admiring the cinematography more than the film itself. The writing though is half-baked and not much fun and scenes that are supposed to be funny (aside from the preacher scene) fall flat. It’s basically not good horror and not good comedy.

Skip this one

4 out of 10

The Happening

The Happening

I need to just get this out of the way up front. The Happening is the single worst film I’ve seen since Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. If your morbid curiosity has gotten the better of you then by all means read on, but if you’re content in the knowledge that it’s a piece of shit? Please feel free to stop reading now.

Now for all you sick sick ladies and gentlemen who just can’t help yourself and must read on!

You’re probably asking yourself what exactly “the happening” is? The best I can tell is it’s some kind of biological attack on humanity performed by the single most abundant terror cell in the world, PLANTS! Yup, that’s the big mystery, the whole thing was perpetrated by plants. WHAT A TWIST! It actually gets Marky Mark so paranoid that he winds up talking to plants and the best part is that it was PLASTIC PLANT!

Her Marky, picking up any "good vibrations"?

The story follows Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel as they travel away from the big city in an attempt to get away from what they initially believe to be terrorist attacks. Soon enough they begin to see what it really is and it becomes a struggle just to stay alive. Along the way there are about 700 suicides (which seems like it was the main selling point in the ad campaign). I don’t know about you, but I’m not a big fan of watching people off themselves in more and more gruesome ways. The only real pleasure the film seems to deliver is twofold; on one side we get to see John leguizamo perform one line so brilliantly it almost makes up for the pest “Don’t take my daughter’s hand unless you mean it!” and ultimately we get to watch him off himself, again almost making up for the pest!

A better name for this film would be "the look up" that's 90% of the flick right here!

As we follow Marky (you don’t mind if we call you Marky, right?) we watch his group grow and dwindle as they run into new people and they eventually off themselves. Eventually it dwindles down to just Marky, Zooey and John Leguizamo’s daughter and they happen upon a nice little house completely off the grid. Of course you know there’s a problem with the house! A complete nutter of an old hag owns the house. She doesn’t really want to help them, but relents and eventually offs herself (big fucking surprise right?). In the end everything just stops and it’s over. This begs the question, why couldn’t the fucking movie end like that? Everything seems to be going swell for the new family and then they have to ruin all the fun by showing that all this is happening again in France, but who friggin cares about them frogs!

Tres Chic!

Mark Wahlberg is easily one of the worst actors in the business and his performance in the happening just proves that he deserves to be driven out of Hollywood (preferably to never be seen again). Zooey Deschanel, on the other hand, should know better! I’ve decided to give M. Knight one more chance with the last airbender (which is so upsetting that it couldn’t have been called Avatar!), but I’m not holding my breath! There are feeble attempts at humor, even more feeble attempts at drama, but the worst offenders are when they try to do suspense/horror. There’s just not that much frightening about plants, sorry M. Knight, but there isn’t. Maybe next time you can make a film about vampires and werewolves in love with a human girl…oh wait.

OH NOES, DA PLANTZ!

1 out of 10