The Wizard - My Childhood Relived

The Wizard

If you’re like me you grew up in the era where Nintendo ruled the world. To some of us it still does. For a couple of lucky actors the epitome of this world was appearing in the film the wizard. Think about it, you’re a kid and you get to be in a movie about playing Nintendo games!! It’s like winning the fucking lottery and getting a handie from your English teacher rolled into one wonderful package.

Fred Savage plays Sam Woods a kid who really just wants to see his brother Jimmy happy. What would make Jimmy happy most is going to California. Why? They'd rather not tell you, I guess they wanted to build anticipation? Along the way Sam and Jimmy get mixed up with a redhead dame named Haley. Haley is the precocious type and immediately challenges the boys to a game of Double Dragon, Jimmy destroys her and they realize right then and there that he’s “a wizard”. I have a feeling if it were today he’s be called an “idiot savant” and probably be heavily medicated.


Anyone this good at Double Dragon should be medicated

As it turns out Jimmy is AMAZING at video games, all of them. The three decide to use this skill to wager their way across the USA to LA where they discover that in three days there’s going to be a video game championship. How fucking convenient, right? Along the way they meet all sorts of crazy characters, most notably a little shit named Lucas who turns the audience on to the power glove “I love the power glove, it’s so bad”. Lucas also owns all 97 Nintendo games (pretty telling about when this came out since there were over 800 games for the system when it stopped producing them) this tidbit is supposed to impress us. It probably did impress me back when I was younger (oh who am I kidding, it DID impress me). Lucas, however, is a total douchebag. Basically if the same character had been made today, Mike “The Situation” would play him.


"It's so bad" to date I'm not sure if he was using the common vernacular or just stating the fact that it's a piece of SHIT! The angry video game nerd does a video about the power glove, go watch it!

What I failed to mention is that to get to California Sam had to steal Jimmy from a psychiatric facility where he was being held. The facility hires a guy to chase after them, but Sam’s father and brother decide to give chase themselves so it becomes a three-way race. A race for Sam and Jimmy to get to L.A. and a race between the bounty hunter and the father and brother (played by Beau Bridges and Christian Slater respectively) to get to the kids first. In the end all of that doesn’t matter because everyone winds up in L.A. at the same time. I won’t ruin the surprise ending, but let’s just say a NEW GAME is revealed!!


unbeknownst to Beau, he'll be rocking the Nintendo before the movie is over

The Wizard is so much fun it’s almost unbearable and if there’s any movie that represents the 80’s perfectly, its The Wizard. If you haven’t seen it, GO AND WATCH IT NOW.

5 out of 5

Doing my Picture research this morning I discovered this! A drinking game based on The Wizard! thanks to thelazydork.com for either creating that or posting it, either way it combines two of my favorite things!

Invasion USA!

Invasion U.S.A.


Even the title screen is BADASS

Two words come to mind after finishing Invasion U.S.A. (which I had the pleasure of watching on the big screen at the local multiplex) HOLY SHIT! I will admit that for a long time I questioned why Chuck Norris is as famous as he is. It became abundantly clear after this film. Clearly this is the apex of Norris’ Career and what a great spot to peak.

I realize tonight that there are two Chuck Norris archetypes. There’s the shitty karate Chuck; the Chuck that kicks and punches (badly) his way through waves of foes and tries to look effortless. This is the Chuck Norris that solidifies my disgust with him and made me ponder his fame on many a lonely evening. Punchy/Kicky Chuck is boring, he still can manage some hilarious one-liners, but they seem flat. They lack the one thing that this Chuck can’t really give us. Splosions!


"If you come back in here—I’m gonna hit you with so many rights, you’re gonna beg for a left" - Badass

The OTHER Chuck is the Shooty/Kabooom Chuck; I’m actually in love with this Chuck Norris. He evokes feelings in me that run very deep. What can I say; I’m a sucker for KABLAMOs. In Invasion U.S.A. KABLAMO Chuck is in full force. I’d say 90% of this flick is things blowing up and people getting shot. Not all of it by Chuck himself, but deep down I’d like to think he’s the reason behinds all of them.

The shell of a story they set up to kill time between ‘Splosions is about the Russians fronted by Richard Lynch (Blog of Thunder regular) invading the U.S.A. It’s a pretty literal title. Chuck Norris plays a “best of the best of the best” military type who’s gotten out of the game until he finds out that his arch nemesis is behind the shenanigans. Chuck spends a good part of the beginning in a swamp rasslin gators and ridin an airboat, but when Blade from the puppet master movies (Lynch) blows up his friend John Eagle Hunter (which is Norris’ name, by the way) goes ape shit and basically takes it on himself to rid the world of these Ruskies. He does a bang up job (pun intended).


Lynch doesn't like puns, or Hunter

Invasion U.S.A. is wall-to-wall action, there are shootouts, car chases, Splosions and a plethora of other stimuli to keep our ADD riddled brains sucked in. It’s easily Chuck Norris’ best film and should be avoided at all costs if you’re a beginner to Chuck Norris films. If you watch this one first you will be nothing but disappointed by any of his other films. Watch his shit first, spend some pensive nights contemplating his fame and then watch this and have your question answers. Watching Invasion U.S.A. first is the cinematic equivalent of blowing your load upon shaking hands with a hot chick. And no girl likes a premature ejaculator!


Chuck Norris never prematurely ejaculates, whenever he ejaculates is the time he MEANT to!

10 out of fucking 10!! (my life has been changed by this film!)


P.S. KABLAMO!

Reckless Kelly – A Little More Serious

Reckless Kelly

Yahoo is back in his second film. After the success of Young Einstein he was able to pull off a slightly better known cast. Did it pay off any better? I think it did, Reckless Kelly may be a lesser-known film of Yahoo’s (granted he only has three and only one is well known), but in my opinion it’s his best work. Maybe it just has to do with his hair being the most normal out of all his movies.

Yahoo plays a modern take on the Australian robin hood-esque outlaw Ned Kelly. He’s the sole remaining member of the bank robbing division of the Kelly gang. The rest of the gang now spends it’s time in the running of a hotel that’s so old that most don’t know if it were built or if it has always been there and the “the manufacture and consumption of beer”. We see Ned early in the film holding up an ATM and using the money to deposit into accounts of those who can’t afford to repay their loans and then, of course, mailing the receipts to said people. It’s all very clever


The real Ned Kelly, clearly spoof worthy

On a particular job Ned discovers an aspiring actress named (get ready to groan) Robin Banks (ugh) played by Melora Hardin of the office fame. This sets Yahoo up for the also groan worthy line “What’s your name?” “Robin Banks” “I was earlier, now I’m depositing”. The movie gets better trust me. Ned is actually a very positive character, not only does he give all his ill-gotten gains to the needy, but he also never kills anyone. He’s a bit gun obsessed, but he only uses guns to “shoot guns from the hands of those that would prefer to see me dead”. An adage he’s picked up from his favorite movie character “The Hollywood Outlaw”. All this bank robbing though does get him on the bad side of the head bankers.


Bulletproof

The top brass is played by Hugo Weaving (I wonder what pill he took to wind up with this role). He calls in a British Special forces agent (played by Alexei Sayle, see what I mean about the cast, it’s pretty great) to help deal with the “Kelly problem”. Alexei has some of the best wig humor in the movie, the entire time the characters are in America (more on that in a bit) he sports a wig that makes him look like an 80’s glam rocker (though he tends to keep the suit all the same). The way the evil bank decides to deal with the Kelly gang is to sell the island they live on and have it shipped to Japan.


"Hi, I'm Hugo Weaving, I played some fairy elf thing in Lord of the Rings, but you probably remember me better for my role as Sir John in Reckless Kelly" - Hugo Weaving

This forces Ned to go to America to rob banks there (since everyone knows it’s ok to keep the money you steal in 'Merica). Needless to say he discovers America’s love of plastic and he winds up in show business. He winds up running into Robin as well and they get cast in a film about an outlaw preacher blah blah blah. Frankly the America storyline is kind of weak, but as with all Serious films. You come for the sight gags. There are gags galore too. There’s also a wider range as well, in Young Einstein I felt he was trying to be the naked gun movies too much, but with Reckless Kelly he also draws inspiration from airplane and some Mel Brooks style humor.


Has nothing to do with the movie...I just thought it was funny

All in all it’s a lot of fun and I think if you enjoyed Young Einstein you’ll enjoy Reckless Kelly even more.

8 out of 10

Young Einstein - You Serious?

Young Einstein

You probably didn’t know this, but Albert Einstein was a genius. He discovered gravity, carbonated beer, invented rock n’ roll music, enjoyed surfing and discovered atomic energy (splitting a beer atom with a hammer and chisel) all while sporting a pretty rockin coif. I recently sat down and watched this fascinating documentary about the man. He led an incredible life.


Einstein shown inventing "Roll and Rock" Music

Like, did you know that Einstein was Tasmanian and that he once had a relationship with Marie Curie? Or that he seemed to have a perpetual supply of apples in his pocket at all times? You probably didn’t know that, OH or that he lived in a whorehouse (er, uh, I mean hotel) bet you didn’t know that either.


Shown here with Ms. Curie during his brief stint in the asylum

OK I have a confession. I was fibbing. Young Einstein is a work of fiction. I feel bad for my deception. Yahoo Serious (born Greg Pead, but name legally changed to Yahoo) plays a fictitious Albert Einstein and you know what. The man is pretty damn funny. Despite the plethora of goofy and borderline groan inducing jokes the majority of the film is quite entertaining.

Yahoo is the master of the throwaway gag; whether it be a man grabbing an axe to break the emergency glass so he can get...wait for it...AN AXE, an evil cook baking a pie with live kittens in it (saved, of course, by Einstein before baked), washing dishes in the bathing tub (with him in it), showing the Wright brothers as one black and one white or the homemade steam engine boat. There is a very Naked Gun-esque style of humor used in his films, though probably one of the reasons Young Einstein hasn’t lived on so well is that the naked gun movies are a hard thing to live up to.


Oh Yahoo, you cut up!

At the end, it’s the magnificent power of Rock n’ Roll music that saves the day, which of course makes sense seeing as this takes place in 1906. Young Einstein is not a perfect film, but it’s a fun comedy and it’s a sad fact that Serious’ Other two films didn’t fare as well as this one did, but more on them later. This is Yahoo Serious week after all


"It's gotta be rock n roll music, if you wanna dance with me"

7 out of 10

Russ Meyer's Supervixens

Supervixens

In the world that Russ Meyer created there’s no such thing as A cups (or B or C cups for that matter). The king of softcore has particular tastes and he makes it known right from the get go. Huge tits are the name of the game in Supervixens and these vixens are SUPER. Superangel, Superlorna, Supercherry, Superhaji, Supersoul, Supereula and Supervixen to be precise.



Clint is just a poor schlep working at a gas station. His crazy girlfriend calls him constantly and threatens to burn down the house if he doesn’t come home to “service” her. A fight involving an axe leads to angel bringing her cop savior, Harry (Charles Napier to bed. He murders her and makes it look like Clint did it. Clint goes on the lamb, yet somehow manages to find every single big breasted beauty along the way.


Remember me, I played the voice of Duke Phillips on the critic

He goes to a bar, huge tits. He gets picked up while hitchhiking, huge tits. He rents a room at a motel, huge tits. He does some work on a farm; you guessed it, huge tits. What’s most impressive is Clint’s self control at all these women throwing themselves at him. It’s an impressive feat to say the least. His Journey finds him at a truck stop where he meets Supervixen (a spitting image of Superangel, though he seems not to notice) and things go well for a while. And along comes Harry, what happens next is too insane to even describe. This is pretty standard fare for Meyer, what typically starts as a fun romp turns insane. It’s great fun and Meyer never lets you forget this.


Harry's idea of a good time is tying up big tittied ladies and trying to blow them up with dynamite

So grab the kiddies, lock them in the other room and enjoy a fun night of booby watching and crazy antics!



10 out of 10

Stone Cold

Nope...

*sigh* No...

YES!
Stone Cold

The BOZ, football “superstar” turned actor turned walking punch line. The bemulleted tough guy stars in the, much funnier than I remember, Stone Cold. I’m surprised the mullet didn’t get it’s own billing; it’s almost as much of a character as Bosworth is. Joe Huff is your typical rogue cop (on the edge) currently on suspension for some unnamed offense; he finds himself at the right place at the right time and stops a robbery. Somehow because of this the FBI wants him to go undercover in a local biker gang and if he refuses he’ll find his suspension extended to six months without pay (because all very legal right?)

Joe (ne John Stone) figures the easiest way to get into the gang is to start showing up and beating people up. Boz literally spends 85% of this flick punching dudes in the face or shooting them or stabbing them. The gang he’s trying to bust into is called the brotherhood. They’re a ragtag bunch of nazi (though not skinhead) scum with some of the most ridiculous names ever put to film; chains, gut, hooter, one-eye, ice and about a dozen others. I’m surprised they managed to finish this thing without laughing in every scene.


The Boz

The gang’s leader is chains (Lance Henriksen, remember that name, you’ll be hearing it a lot around these parts), his right hand man is Ice (William Forsythe, who always delivers A+ performances). Stone, after seemingly very little effort, gets invited into the brotherhood and before long is in deep with these bastards. For the next 20 minutes it’s Bosworth beating up guys and running missions for the brotherhood, but before long Ice gets hip to the “pretty boy” stone and stone has to take him out. Despite his best efforts to keep himself in deep cover one fatal mistake from his initiation comes back to bite him in the ass.


Gratuitous shot of puppet Kim Jong Il?

Stone cold’s climax has Bosworth’s mullet taking out the gang members one at a time while he sits in the corner eating a Popsicle. Every baddie gets their just desserts and we all live happily ever after, except the couple dozen guys who died in the process. Arguably Stone Cold is one of Bosworth’s best and is a must see for fans of the nazi biker undercover cop genre. Alone or with friends, a good time will be had.


(Pictured: the star of the film, I meant the mullet)

7 out of 10

Munchies!

Munchies

After any genre has become established it’s not long after you start getting the rip offs and spoofs. Munchies is a bland mediocre spoof of the killer little animal genre established with the classic Gremlins and ripped off many times over by the likes of Ghoulies, Troll and Critters. By the time Munchies hit the theaters gremlins had already come and gone and sequels had been planned, for that matter Ghoulies, Troll, Critters and their respective sequels were being worked on. The problem with most spoofs is that they tend to not be all that funny and in that area Munchies delivers in spades.


The puppets are beyond terrible, they make the Elves in Elves look like Rick Baker masterpieces

Harvey Korman (staple of the spoof genre) plays duel roles as twins Simon (an archeologist and the finder of the titular furbags) and his evil brother Cecil (maker of snack foods made with only the finest nuclear waste money can buy). Simon makes it a family affair by entrusting the Munchie (now dubbed Arnold) to his wannabe stand up comedian son Paul and his girlfriend Cindy. He of course promptly loses him to Cecil’s bumbling stepson “Dude” who of course manages to get himself murdered by them (now numbering four because we learn that cutting them up just multiplies them, not kills them). The chase that ensues is actually kind fun, if not incredibly dumb. Once the chase is over though the film takes on the pacing of cold molasses trying to move up the side of a glacier. It’s borderline painful to watch at this point, even the usually very funny Korman can’t save it with his actually quite funny quips “Toxic waste is America’s greatest resource”.


Rest in peace you magnificent bastard, you'll be remembered for your good films...trust me

Once they discover how to take the little turds out Paul makes pretty quick work of them. The secret waste storage center is discovered in Cecil’s underground hidden cave so he is arrested and Paul saved one of the statues that the Munchies become to try to explain to his father what happens. It turns out that the statue is considered a prized archeological artifact and Simon gets an offer for it for mucho dinero and at the end of the day everything is looking up for Simon, Paul and Cindy.

Munchies did a hell of a job of making itself seem like a fun little horror spoof romp, but frankly the dialog they give the Munchies is about as fun as watching paint dry and the one genuine laugh I had was due to one of the cops running face first into a rock face wall, now THAT was funny. If asked I would say, maybe skip this one and watch critters 2 again which is at least unintentionally funny OR watch Gremlins again, which is an all around much better film. This is seriously one of Roger Corman’s worst and that’s saying a lot about a man who literally has thousands of crappy films to his name.


For shame Mr. Corman...For shame

2 out of 10

Rhinestone

Rhinestone

“Budweiser you created a monster and they call me Drinkenstein”

In the annals of history every now and again there comes a film so bad it earns the distinction of being “the worst movie ever made”. Rhinestone is one of these films, but I think with time comes appreciation. Upon watching Rhinestone for a second time nearly seventeen years after the first time I saw it I have to admit, It was a lot of fun. Then again I do have a bit of an affinity for the shitty crap cinema you’ve come to expect from me here.


How could anyone consider THESE bad?

Jake (Dolly Parton, size 40 DD) is a country girl working in a New York honkey tonk (disco?) called the Rhinestone. Her sleaze ball boss Freddie (Ron Leibman) wants her in the sack and she wants out of her deliberately shitbox contract. To this end she proposes a wager; he can pick one normal average New Yorker (I didn’t realize they existed…I kid New York! I kid!) and give her two weeks and she can make him a country music singer. It’s an inspired plot stolen many times over by shitty rom com after shitty rom com, take one person and make them different. Though usually it involves taking the uncool girl and making her the “prom queen”.


The Direction on this film basically went like this "Hey Dolly, more profile please"

Enter Nick, (Stallone post not one, but TWO rocky movies) a NYC cabbie with little appreciation for country music (it’s “worse than liver”). Jake spirits him away down to Tennessee where he gets a crash course in country, She teaches him to walk, talk, “dance”, sing and perform. Stallone looks so out of place on a country stage (even during the big closing scene where he supposedly wins over the crowd) it’s 90% of the unintentional comedy. All the music is written by Dolly Parton so at least you know that’s not going to be awful, just the butchering Stallone does to it.


Hmmm, notice a trend with these pictures?

So come for the country, stay for the “comedy” and enjoy Tim Thomerson’s excellent performance as Barnett Kale, Jake’s ex. It’s a “laugh riot”?


You can make it black and white, but it doesn't make it classy

7 out of 10

Glen or Glenda?

Glen or Glenda? The movie that Edward D Wood Jr. felt so strong about he cast himself in the lead (for now obvious reasons). Ed Wood is possibly the most notorious director of the last century; my personal opinion is that he’s not the worst. The heart of his material pushes past the technically inept exterior that’s projected on the screen. There are plenty of other directors out there that lack the technical skill like wood does, but also lack his heart.


"Here, it looks better on you"

Glen or Glenda? Is the telling of two tales of men who enjoy women’s clothing, one not as extreme as the other. In Glen’s tale we learn about transvestites and how they function in society. We learn of his dilemma in whether he should tell his fiancée Barbara about his “condition”. In typical Wood fashion there is a LOT of filler and the story presented is very thin. He deftly adds footage of Bela Lugosi as an overseer of sorts, which are easily the best parts of the film.


“PULL THE STRINGS, PULL THE STRINGS”

The second story is that of Allen who we discover is a “pseudo-hermaphrodite”. For him the only is a sex change, which if you know anything about what this story was originally supposed to be about, this was meant to be the A story. Wood bangs out this story in less than 10 minutes and finds his way back to Glen storyline that he obviously finds more appealing (it allows him to wear more angora). The film features many Wood regulars like Bela Lugosi (well past the prime of his Dracula days), Delores Fuller (who was involved with Wood), Lyle Talbot (future body stand in for Lugosi after he dies) and of course Daniel Davis (Wood Himself).


See, told ya

All in all Glen or Glenda? is a fun look into the mind of a transvestite delivered by a man who knows the subject well. Better to watch with like-minded friends.

6 out of 10

Invasion! - Canadians Can Be Funny Too

Invasion! (AKA invasion) (AKA Top of the food chain) (AKA Welcome to Exceptional Vista) - I love it when movies have a dozen titles!

“A genetically engineered band of devil worshiping serial killers or a Sasquatch type thing? I don’t like the sound of that” - Dr. Lamonte

There’s a reason why there are no Canadian TV networks broadcasting in America. The Canadians have a unique sense of humor, to say the least. Invasion! Is a pretty decent representation of this sense of humor, dry as the mojave and delivered in the best deadpan found on the planet outside of Britain. It’s not a bad movie (far from it!), but I don’t think I would recommend it to anyone out of fear they wouldn’t get it. Imagine a slightly more sanitized version of Sam Raimi or early Peter Jackson films.


Would you like to perform the copulatory act?

Dr. Lamonte (Campbell Scott) is an atomic scientist on vacation. While visiting Small Town, Anywhere (named Exceptional Vista) he discovers locals who are not quite right in the head as well as signs of some kind of beast killing people. Turns out that the cause of the insanity amongst the townsfolk is due to a local “nut accident” forcing all the normals to evacuate the town. The ones who stayed were crazy as a loon. The one seemingly regular girl who stuck around is Sandy Fawkes (played by the captivating Fiona Loewi), though she does has an odd affinity for her brother Guy (Tom Everett Scott of an American Werewolf fame), get it! Guy Fawkes! Remember Remember the fifth of November, clearly a joke of greater cultural significance to the Canadians. They discover a sinister plot by aliens to farm humans as food and it’s up to the doctor to fix everything, none of these other "nuts" are up to the task.


Campbell Scott

The jokes are sophomoric and the effects are very low budget, but it seems like this is all done very much on purpose. The movie is a lot of fun and the ending, which I won’t ruin for you, is expected. The movie couldn’t realistically end any other way. You’ll know what I mean when you watch…Invasion!


Fiona Loewi

7 out of 10

9 out of 10 for Fiona