Just a Heads Up...

So I wanted to give everyone a little bit of an update on my life. I've been writing more than ever, but almost none of that is going to end up on here. I'm currently writing now for two different websites.

Daily Grindhouse (launching 8/8!)

and

Videotape Swapshop (is sort of up and running, but officially launching at the end of the week)

Both afford me liberty with what I review and both allow me crazy, Whiskey soaked, smut filled mind to run amok! So from now on I'll still post reviews here occasionally, but I will mostly be writing for them. I'll be sure to post links here when new reviews of mine go up at the other locations.

I hope you'll all follow me over to these new sites and support me there the same way you supported me here!

I do plan on continuing the podcast so obviously that will get posted here.

Drink up! We've got movies to watch...
Moe

Dinosaurus

It's the 60's and the impossible is possible. If I were a joking man (and you all know I'm DEADLY SERIOUS!) I would say this was due to the LCD, but this is the early 60's and that wasn't a thing yet. The hippies hadn't taken over yet and the only counter culture buffoons of the time were the Beatniks, thankfully not featured in this film. This was a time when the wonders of science were still fresh in the public mind and the average Joe didn't know that a frozen solid Dinosaur(us) couldn't possibly thaw and begin wreaking havoc! It was because of this delightful ignorance that movies like the amazingly awesome DINOSAURUS were made.

The film takes place on a tropical island where a small fleet of men are blowing something up in the water. It's actually a pretty cool way to start the flick and lets you know immediately that you're not in for the standard stupid mildly sci-fi adventure film. Because of legal restrictions at the time men were not allowed to make blunders in movies so things get a little hairy and too close for comfort when a woman in a boat almost gets blowed up. Turns out she was bringing the men sammiches and something to drink. A woman who can't drive well and is bringing men sandwiches? When was this made 1960? oh wait...

And where, pray tell, is my sandwich?

So while blowing things up real good they unearth a couple of frozen prehistoric treats in the form of a Brontosaurus and a Theodore Rex. They haul the beasts from a couple dozen fathoms up and lay them out to thaw, they were in the fucking way! They also uncover a caveman who looks uncannily like a Buck Kartalian doppelganger. I don't know how long it takes to melt a ton of ice, but it takes a couple hours for these dinos to completely thaw. Just in time for little “insert Spanish name here” to run
away. Through his petulant action, however, we learn that the Caveman and the Brontosaurus are both nice, well nice enough. The caveman and bronto help fight the T- Rex, but he ultimately wins out and it takes a large piece of machinery to put him in his place.

Dinosaurus is a silly movie with ridiculous acting, a story that makes no sense, and giant dinosaurs running amok. This is also the exact reasons why it's so great! Is the acting good? NO! Is the story good? NO! Does it matter? NO! Dinosaurus creates it's own logic and the world is a better more magical place because of it. If you long for a time past where Dinosaurs could roam a small tropical island with man, go rent Jurassic Park, but if they're out, get DINOSAURUS!

3 Buck Kartalian Cavemen out of 5

you make this too easy Buck

Drink up, We've got movies to watch!
Moe      

The Toughest Man In The World

They call him “Bruise”! I find this particularly funny because Mr. T by this point was already famous for Rocky III, D.C. Cab, and The A-Team when The Toughest Man in the World was released. Admittedly I don't know much of the history of the film so it could have been filmed prior to those. Regardless he was still known as Mr. T when it came out. Since this is obviously a semi autobiographic sort of film they should have just called him Mr. T and spared him having to say “they call me Bruise” 30 times.

The Toughest Man in the World starts where all good motivational movies start, in the streets. A gang of young street toughs steal a boombox from a corner shop and when the owner gives chase they corner him and steal his fucking wallet, LITTLE SHITS! GET OFF MY LAWN! Que Brubaker (T, Mr.) who lays down the law and tries to talk sense into the leader. From here a morality play takes over the script and the movie becomes about helping kids and doing what's right and all that other shit Mr. T fucking loved. Gotta give the guy credit, when he wasn't murdering competitors on the streets (read his autobiography) he was helping the kids. T walked the walk and talked the talk.

and wore the CHAINSES

TMITW is really 2 movies in one and the whole “toughest man” aspect doesn't really come into play too much until the second half of the movie. The first half is dedicated to setting up and the eventual failing at setting up a carnival to raise money for the youth center. It's all well and good, but for fucks sake, it's called editing! 30 minutes of the first hour could have been cut, easily. The second half deals with the breakdown of the relationship of Brubaker and the Street thug he had taken under his muscle bound wing at the beginning of the film. As well as the training for and competing of the toughest man in the world competition.

Brubaker and the thug eventually become friends again, but the fun part of this film revolves around that utterly batshit insane toughman competition. The contestants have to complete a series of events with no breaks in between to see who's the toughest to face the reigning champ in the ring. The champ is an drunken asshole named Tanker. Tanker causes disruptions in clubs when there's no dancing girls, gets made when anything is expected of him, and basically has the all around good personality that we've come to expect from a man with roided out pecs and raisin sized balls. The events the men have to go through are laughable at best. They run, do push ups, chin ups and there's an obstacle course.

T wears no chainses in this

Let me backtrack a second because the training sequences are just as funny as the competition and I don't want to forget about them. Bruise does about as much training as you'd expect a man of his intellect to. He runs, jumps rope, lifts weight, and DESPERATELY tries to climb a wall. Mr. T can do ANYTHING except climb a wall apparently! I mean we're talking about a 7 foot high dilapidated piece of shit wall and he has a rope to help him! He just can't do it! So when the obstacle course rolls around it only makes sense that what's the final thing standing in the way of Mr. T and his $100,000? That's right! A wall with a rope! Now in any other film they would use this as a lesson teaching device to tell kids “anything is possible when you practice and put in the hard work”. And it would have been a noble message! This, however, is not how Bruise handles the situation though. He prefers to use that “mandingo” head of his to SMASH THROUGH THE GODDAMN WALL! While the other contestants falter on the wall (I guess it's a regular problem with tough men) T gets a running start and plows right through the fucking thing! Thus teaching kids that brute force is much more important to winning that any kind of skill that requires work. “just become a human wrecking ball and you too can be the toughest man in the world” - Bruise Brubaker (Disclaimer: quote does not appear in the film, but does appear in my mind)

SMASH!

If you want to know if Bruise wins against Tanker and becomes the toughest man in the World then you'll have to watch it yourself. It's on VHS, a sign of quality. As for me, I thought the movie was about 15 minutes too long, but all around was a lot of fun. I wonder if they got the line “they call me Bruise” from the film released two years earlier “they call me Bruce” Probably not!

4 toughest men in the world out of 5

Drink up, We've got movies to watch
Moe

I was a teenage TV terrorist – from the Cinemasochist files

Look Troma I love you, I really do. You've given me some of the happiest moments of my life and garnered an appreciation for sleaze in me like no one else. I've experienced things with you that I would never have been able to experience with anyone else. It's with this that I have a certain level of expectation when I pop in a Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Hertz production. Sadly when I was done with I was a Teenage TV Terrorist I was so disappointed and upset I debated about ending my long standing love affair with you, but I can't quit you you big dumb animal!

SWOON!

I was a teenage TV terrorist starts in a cozy little 'burb where Paul is a two bit no goodnik and his gal Friday, Donna is an actress. The piece of shit gets in trouble and is shipped off to his father in the big city. He takes Donna along for the ride. Pops, not wanting to show nepotism, puts Paul in the lowest paying job there is at his 9th rate local cable channel. Soon  enough Paul is stealing from them and before long gets caught. This whole waste of a subplot leads to Paul and Donna becoming disillusioned with the “system” and decide to become “media terrorists”. This idea had so much potential for funny hijinks and crazy explosion FX, but instead they decide to use it as a forum to talk about their dislike of the pablum that modern TV had become.

The faces of terrorism

While I agree with the sentiment and can understand why Troma would put this out, it has a lot in common with Troma's ideology in regards to free speech and originality. This movie fails on so many other levels that the good aspects are lost in a sludge of shit and painful head bashing (with a hammer I found in the garbage, thank you). There's absolutely nothing else I want to tell you about this movie. So if you've ever been tempted to see this steamy pile, just sit back and enjoy the box art because that is significantly more interesting (and highly misleading might I add). Avoid this like the plague and if you must watch a Troma movie, but don't want to watch the obvious choices, watch Club Life, Killer Condom, Blood Hook or Hollywood Zap...all enjoyable.

1 groan inducing act of TV terrorism out of 5

Drink up, We've got GOOD movies to watch
Moe

Forced Vengeance

“Fast, Hard, and Dangerous...Hong Kong is like a slap in the face that feels good.”

Long before Chuck Norris became a once funny, then not funny, then funny again and finally not funny internet MEME he was a joke. But before he was a joke he kicked all sorts of ass. Norris had a pretty decent run with movies like MISSING IN ACTION, INVASION U.S.A., TOP DOG, SIDEKICKS (ok maybe not those last 2). Before those, however, was Forced Vengeance. An oft forgotten gem of Chucks early career and I would argue one of his best films. Regardless of his character having one of the pussiest names ever.

Won't say that to his face though

Chuck plays Josh Randall, family friend and “crisis management” negotiator (read: face puncher and roundhouse kick delivery system) for a small Casino owner in Hong Kong. The film opens with an excuse for a fight, Josh is sent to L.A. To punch a dude in the face till he pays him the money owed. In return for their hospitaliano, Josh winds up hospitalizing the rest of the man's crew as well. I'm fairly certain he cripples a man with a kick to the balls. Once home in the good old U.S...er, China, Josh winds up in the middle of a hostile takeover attempt from another casino. His boss and his boss' son, Sam and Dave (no not THAT Sam and Dave) are brutally murdered after they reject the offer and it's up to old red stache to deal with the situation.

That's really about as deep as the story goes. Forced Vengeance is basically a 106 min excuse to show Chuck do what Chuck does best, no not acting! Norris delivers a myriad of punches and kicks throughout the movie's 12 or 13 fight scenes. The action never lets up either, normally in a movie like this it suffers from the mid movie lulls, but Forced Vengeance delivers face punch after beautiful face punch until the end. And when I say to the end, I mean even over the credits which goes back and edits together all the best devastating punches and so brutal they should be illegal kicks and puts them in slo mo!

he wears the FUCK out of those shades

One of my favorite aspects of the movie is that Josh is not a superman. He gets hurt several times, gets caught unaware and even comes dangerously close to being put out. This gritty realism makes the fight scenes all the more brutal when Chuck wraps a rope around a man's neck and tosses him off the second floor of a ship only to have his head cave in on the side of the boat leaving a horrifying, yet cathartic red smear on the side. Josh also fails a lot in the movie. He fails to protect his friend Lee, a lovable sassy black man and his wife who is brutally raped and Lee is forced to lie there with a broken back and watch. Another fight scene that immediately comes to mind is an amazing ¾ speed fight that takes place in front of a giant red neon sign. The sign is behind them as they fight and the roundhouse kick ballet that goes on for the way too brief scene is shown in silhouette and it's just gorgeous.

The movie is not without it's humorous moments too. Chuck is just like any actioner, he quips one liners then punches you in the face, but I think my favorite unintentionally funny moment of the film is when he goes to visit a stripper who once worked for the baddie and in the background there's playing an Asian instrumental version of SUPERFREAK by Rick James. It's pure hilarity, I quite literally fell out of my chair the first time I heard it and that's not an easy feat. It's the perfect accentuation to an already completely ludicrous scene. Chuck brings the stripper/hooker up to her room. It's as clear as the waters of lake minnetonka that he's not interested in sex and she's getting herself read to BANG HIM!

Bras optional (thank goodness)

So if you like older Chuck Norris films and really, who doesn't?! You'd be doing yourself a disservice not to watch Forced Vengeance. With a climax you have to see to believe you better run out and find this one. Or if you want come on over my place and we'll watch and laugh together! This is a great movie for friends and booze!

5 fists of brutal fury out of 5

Drink up! We've got movies to watch
Moe

The IMDB Bottom 100

1.	1.4	Dream Well (2009)	2,704
*2.	1.5	Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)	13,062
3.	1.5	Daniel the Wizard (2004)	8,236
*4.	1.5	Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)	20,880
*5.	1.5	Monster a-Go Go (1965)	3,242
6.	1.5	Night Train to Mundo Fine (1966)	3,528
7.	1.5	Ben & Arthur (2002)	4,657
8.	1.6	The Skydivers (1963)	2,106
*9.	1.6	The Starfighters (1964)	1,839
*10.	1.6	Zombie Nation (2004)	4,266
11.	1.6	Pledge This! (2006)	8,309
12.	1.6	Ram Gopal Varma's Indian Flames (2007)	2,485
13.	1.6	Zaat (1971)	2,290
14.	1.7	Too Beautiful (2005)	2,042
15.	1.7	The Little Fox 2 (2008)	3,397
16.	1.7	From Justin to Kelly (2003)	18,072
*17.	1.7	The Final Sacrifice (1990)	2,271
18.	1.7	The Hillz (2004)	3,901
*19.	1.7	Disaster Movie (2008)	39,672
*20.	1.7	The Beast of Yucca Flats (1961)	2,914
21.	1.7	Yes Sir (2007)	3,061
*22.	1.7	Hobgoblins (1988)	4,883
*23.	1.7	Zodiac Killer (2005)	2,237
*24.	1.7	Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders (1996)	2,356
*25.	1.8	Fat Slags (2004)	1,919
*26.	1.8	The Pod People (1983)	2,446
27.	1.8	A Story About Love (1995)	1,746
*28.	1.8	Track of the Moon Beast (1976)	1,723
29.	1.8	Turks in Space (2006)	6,323
*30.	1.8	Who's Your Caddy? (2007)	11,788
31.	1.8	The Apocalypse (2007)	2,119
32.	1.8	Crossover (2006)	7,563
*33.	1.8	The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)	2,599
*34.	1.8	The Creeping Terror (1964)	2,020
*35.	1.8	The Hottie & the Nottie (2008) (I hate admitting this one)	23,941
36.	1.8	Space Mutiny (1988)	3,926
*37.	1.9	Girl in Gold Boots (1968)	2,024
*38.	1.9	Die Hard Dracula (1998)	2,300
39.	1.9	Keloglan vs. the Black Prince (2006)	4,098
40.	1.9	Danes Without a Clue (1997)	1,816
41.	1.9	The Tony Blair Witch Project (2000)	3,169
*42.	1.9	Prince of Space (1959)	1,612
43.	1.9	The Maize: The Movie (2004)	1,935
*44.	1.9	The Blade Master (1984)	1,941
*45.	1.9	Going Overboard (1989)	6,166
*46.	2.0	The Barbaric Beast of Boggy Creek, Part II (1985)	1,682
*47.	2.0	Glitter (2001) (again...not proud)	14,357
*48.	2.0	The Pumaman (1980)	2,198
*49.	2.0	Soultaker (1990)	1,932
*50.	2.0	House of the Dead (2003)	23,018
51.	2.0	Surf School (2006)	3,553
*52.	2.0	Son of the Mask (2005)	18,229
53.	2.1	Tangents (1994)	1,828
*54.	2.1	Santa Claus (1959)	2,165
*55.	2.1	Eegah (1962)	3,014
56.	2.1	Anne B. Real (2003)	3,033
57.	2.1	Popstar (2005)	1,678
*58.	2.1	Santa with Muscles (1996)	6,408
*59.	2.1	Leonard Part 6 (1987)	5,011
*60.	2.1	The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!? (1964)	2,564
61.	2.1	Beginning of the Great Revival (2011)	3,609
*62.	2.2	Chairman of the Board (1998)	3,328
*63.	2.2	Car 54, Where Are You? (1994)	2,864
*64.	2.2	Snowboard Academy (1996)	1,769
65.	2.2	Miss Castaway and the Island Girls (2004)	1,609
66.	2.2	Epic Movie (2007)	54,565
67.	2.2	Feel the Noise (2007)	2,448
*68.	2.2	Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace (1996)	5,280
*69.	2.2	Baby Geniuses (1999)	10,009
*70.	2.2	Troll 2 (1990) ( I only just watched this recently, Owned it for years)	13,271
71.	2.2	Time You Change (2010)	2,915
72.	2.3	Anus Magillicutty (2003)	3,388
*73.	2.3	Laserblast (1978)	2,518
*74.	2.3	3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain (1998)	5,593
75.	2.3	Alone in the Dark (2005)	27,765
*76.	2.3	Cool as Ice (1991)	4,992
*77.	2.3	Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)	5,721
*78.	2.3	Body in the Web (1960)	2,031
*79.	2.3	Mitchell (1975)	2,661
80.	2.3	In the Mix (2005)	5,538
81.	2.3	Nine Lives (2002)	2,031
82.	2.3	Demon Island (2002)	2,296
83.	2.3	Simon Sez (1999)	3,565
*84.	2.4	Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000)	42,541
85.	2.4	Phat Girlz (2006)	6,529
*86.	2.4	Ed (1996)	4,062
*87.	2.4	Gigli (2003)	30,598
88.	2.4	The Underground Comedy Movie (1999) (featuring Vince from the Sham WOW infomercials)	1,820
*89.	2.4	American Ninja V (1993)	1,862
90.	2.4	The Smokers (2000)	2,073
*91.	2.4	It's Pat (1994)	6,278
92.	2.5	Addiction (2004)	2,255
93.	2.5	Meet the Spartans (2008)	54,348
*94.	2.5	Kazaam (1996)	13,803
*95.	2.5	Daddy Day Camp (2007)	7,692
*96.	2.5	Another Nine & a Half Weeks (1997)	2,280
*97.	2.5	Bolero (1984)	3,025
*98.	2.5	Alien from L.A. (1988)	1,961
99.	2.5	Madea's Big Happy Family (2011)	2,151
100.	2.6	The Class of Chaos 3,5 (2006)	3,342

I've seen 55. How about you?

Malone

By the time 1987 rolled around Burt Reynolds was already a huge star and his star was starting it's first slight decline. With that in mind let me go right in to my favorite fucking part about Malone. Burt Reynolds does not GIVE A FUCK! He delivers each line with such disdain for the material that you'd think they were raping him in between scenes and feeding him shit sandwiches from the Kraft services table. Hell, they might have been. Each syllable it read with such pure hate that Reynolds accidentally sounds like a badass in this. I mean this is the guy who played Stroker Ace, he already had three SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT films under his belt. It makes sense he wouldn't care, fuck I DON'T CARE!

Does not care

Malone is the story of a hitman who loses his edge and decides to run from his past. His car, looks like a leftover from the BANDIT films, breaks down in some shitbox hick town. Apparently this is the single greatest event to ever happen in this town because every single fucking person in the town wants to meet Malone. The writers must have thought the name “Malone” was the greatest name since Jesus Fucking Christ because they force poor Burt to say it no less then 400 times(might be a slight exaggeration). Malone says his name so many times in this film that it's actually forcing me to write Malone's name over and over! I CAN'T STOP

MALONE!

Does not care!

MALONE!

Does not care!!

MALONE!

DOES NOT CARE!!!

MALONE!

DOES NOT FUCKING CARE!!!!

MALONE!

DOOOOEEESSS NNOOOTTT CCCAAAAAARREEEEE!!!!!!!

GOD HELP ME!

GAAAHHH! Now THIS guy cares!

So as you probably guessed already by this point, because despite it being an awesome movie it is a very paint-by-numbers action film, the people Malone work for send some more hitmen to go find him.   A pair of wise guys who Malone dispatches with relative ease and a Woman who Malone “takes out.” That is to say, she falls in love with him. All the while the Daughter of the garage owner is falling in love with Malone, she looks 16, Malone, 47. That's not everything though, in the meantime there's a rich super patriot (read: Xenophobe) who's buying up all the land in the town. The uber rich Delaney (Cliff Robertson) wants to turn this little town into ground zero for the patriot revolution. Malone, reluctant at first, finally takes up arms and, in what could be called the closest thing to emotion, takes out the ENTIRE compound! I would never dream of giving away all of the secrets of the ending, but my guess is you've got it all figured out already.

Malone is a blast to watch, Burt's “acting” alone warrants this...

4 Deadpan Malones out of 5