Bitch Slap

Refreshing!

Bitch Slap is not what one might call a subtle movie. If it were a puppy it'd be the kind of puppy that would be barking and attacking the other dogs to vie for your attention. It puts up a good fuss and has a lot of fun energy, but ultimately you want a puppy that's not going to shit in your slippers and shred your newspaper. Yes I just compared Bitch Slap to a disobedient puppy. It just seemed like Bitch Slap was trying too hard to be noticed and ultimately suffered for it.

The film follows the story of three beautiful women on the search for some stolen diamonds that have conveniently been stolen from them. That's not where the story winds up though because this thing has so many convoluted twists I was surprised when it DIDN'T say “from the mind of M. Night Shyamalananananaian”. I should state for the record that I did actually kind of enjoy the film, but it failed in a lot of what it was attempting to do.

1. I'm sorry I don't care how much blood is in a film if there are no tits it doesn't deserve an R. Maybe they should create a lower case “r” rating for “sure there are some swears and a lot of fighting, but despite the three sets of HEAVING, SWEATING, GIGANTIC tits you don't actually get to SEE any of them”. It's also not a consolation to set a scene in a strip club to make up for this fact. I was interested because one of the girls looks insanely like Mila Kunis and frankly I was hoping to see some of that sweater meat.
   
   

   

   A graphic representation of "Sweater Meat"
2. This may hearken back to point 1, but if you're going to try so desperately to feel like Russ Meyer's film then you've got to expose some flesh.
3. If it hasn't been 100% obvious I'm a old school kind of guy and when 85% of a film is shot in front of a green screen it kinda ruins it for me. I get that they were trying to look cheap(or more likely trying to look like Sin City), but it didn't have to look so stale too. Digital is all well and good when it works, but when done wrong (even intentionally) it ruins the whole thing for me.

OK so enough of me harping on what I didn't like. Lets chat briefly about what I did like. The acting was gloriously over the top. Every line reminds me of a bygone era when shitty acting was the norm. This could have very well been unintentional seeing that the biggest achievement of the three female leads comes from Julia Voth who is the likeness for Jill Valentine from the 2002 remake of Resident Evil on. So yeah, not very high hopes for these three. The names had me laughing; Trixie, Hel, Camaro are the leads, but there's also Gage, Deputy Fuchs, Hot Wire, Kinki and so on. The only name that every seemed really forced was Camaro, it became a chore hearing that name over and over.

Another aspect I rather enjoyed was the cast of celebrity cameos. It was a who's who of Sam Raimi produced television. Kevin Sorbo, Lucy Lawless, Renee O'Connor (Gabrielle from Xena). They all livened up the movie if even just for the brief moment they took the screen. It was a reminder that there were some good actors in this thing too.

Kinda makes up for Kull, Kinda

So despite Bitch Slap trying too hard to be the next Faster Pussycat Kill Kill!! it still pulled off being a fun sexy action film. I said there were no tits, but by golly if there aren't a lot of cleavage shots and it's more than enough to get the blood flowing. Bitch Slap is the kind of movie to watch with a couple of friends, get really drunk and poke the shit out of it while ogling some boobies.

3 out of 5

Drink Up, I've Got Movies to Watch

Moe