Leprechaun 4: In Space - Because in space no one can hear you cry.

Leprechaun 4: In Space (AKA Leprechaun 4: Space Platoon)


In this the fourth installment of the utterly inspiring and award winning series (sarcasm) we find our titular pissed off greedy midget in the depths of space. How he got there is never explained and why would we ever want it to be. It’s so much more fun and coherent when it isn’t, right? If I can be honest for a second with you, Leprechaun 4 may very well be one of the absolute worst films I’ve ever been privy to viewing. Those of you familiar with my history with crap cinema know that this is a major accomplishment for a film.

The story (if that’s what you want to call it) starts off on a far away planet where our pint size antagonist (Lep played yet again by Warwick Davis) has kidnapped a princess from some farther away planet. His grand plan is to marry her and take over the throne of her father. Seriously? My 6 year old could and has come up with better story ideas. Here’s one of his ideas for free, a wizard has to take a spelling test and he’s studying by creating the things he has to spell and asks them to spell themselves to help him learn. It’s already a better idea than leprechaun 4 in space.

Apparently the planet he now lives on is made entirely out of shit

So back to the actual story, so the overused cliché known as space marines happen upon Lep’s little hideout and “kill him”. The marine responsible for “killing” him decides the best way to honor the memory of the fallen is to urinate on the remains which impart upon him arguably the worst urinary tract infection ever. Lep’s essence travels up the pee stream like a jolt from an electric fence. Of course when they get back to the ship they do what marines do best* and they party down! The urine soaker and the token female take the time to get to know each other a little better in the waste disposal area. Pee Pee finishes off an apparently already shitty life with a fatal case of blue balls when Lep decides to use this moment exit the way he came in. The difference is this time he exits the urethra full size!

*-not really, semper fi guys

The story goes from odd to batshit crazy with the introduction of the Dr Mittenhand. You don’t know it at first, but the doc is a bit of a mess. OK maybe “mess” is a bit of an understatement; the doctor is really just a head and an arm on a robotic transport. He looks like a Dalek with a human head. It just gets sillier ands sillier as they discover that the princess’ blood has regenerative properties, which prompts the doc to start conducting experiments on her. This all goes horribly wrong when Lep uses the concoction, mixed with a spider and a scorpion and injects Mittenhand. Mittenhand becomes Mittenspider (his words, not mine) and starts attacking the crew.

It goes from weird...

To REALLY weird, really fast!

Meanwhile Lep is also stalked the remaining marines to one of the docking bays and accidentally gets shot with the laser that is supposed to shrink and enlarge cargo creating the world’s largest dwarf. If you have any brain cells you’ can guess how they get rid of good old Lep. Somehow simultaneously killing him and yet setting it up for yet another sequel at the same time!

That's not the picture quality that sucks

Leprechaun 4 in space is mildly entertaining while maintaining the level of crap you’ve come to expect with the Leprechaun movies (though I hear Lep in the hood takes it so over the top it goes full circle to become amazing, you’ll have to wait for my review to find out). I have to give Warwick Davis credit for staying in a role that a lesser actor would have given up by the third installment. He gets a paycheck and I get yet another movie to add to my arsenal. In space is inarguably the worst in the series, but I think it’s still better than a lot of other horror series worst movies. It’s better than Halloween 3, any of the even numbered Nightmare on Elm Street movies or which ever Friday the 13th was set in space. (yeah yeah Jason X, shut up)

What I find most amazing is that it feels like Lep in space was so rished together to meet some kind of deadline, but there's no huge deamnd for a Leprechaun movie. The acting is laughable at best, but does conjure up images of the classic sci fi crud from yesteryear. I know this is probably the most obvious thing I can say, but without Warwick there would be absolutely no reason to watch this steaming pile of dung. Space is usually the final frontier for shitty horror movies; I am so glad that for Leprechaun it was “the hood”. I think "in space" is a good get drunk with friends and laugh at it movie, but you’d have to be insane (or me) to watch it sober.

3 out of 10

Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch!

Cyborg

Cyborg

In the pantheon of muscle bound meathead leading men Van Damme was once king. Those days are long over, but for one fleeting moment the man could do no wrong. You got a script about a man traveling on foot across a post apocalyptic wasteland trying to get a half robot to (insert city here) so they can give the data needed to make a cure for some mystery affliction and get life back in order. Oh but you say that there’s a madman chasing the man because he LOVES the death and destruction. Shit, sounds like a winner to me. GREENLIGHT!


Executive Koala says "MAKE IT HAPPEN"

Congratulations, you just made Cyborg Starring Jean Claude Van Damme (couldn’t he have shortened that?) and a dude who looks creepily like my 3rd grade bus driver. The villain is seriously insane looking; he’s got these nasty dreads that he keeps in a ponytail, but they don’t actually start TIL the ponytail. So we got dirty extensions guy who wears 80’s baseball player wrap around glasses and chain mail for some reason. He looks like he’s always ready for some half-elf fighter/thief to pounce on him with his +4 dagger of invulnerability (god that sounded nerdy...meh whatever).


Ready for those pesky Orcs and slingers

The basic story for cyborg is pretty much what I mentioned above. Van Damme plays a “slinger”(I guess that’s what they call a person with no job, no discernable way of survival, but carries a huge fucking knife) who is “hired” by the half robot/ half woman cyborg (hence the title) with a bad wig to protect her till she gets to..uh, some city. The city doesn’t really matter; it seems to be a very minor plot point even though it’s supposed to be the MAIN PLOT POINT! Van Damme, apparently not being very good at his supposed job loses her and then spends the rest of the movie playing catch up with a chick with the single worst boob job I’ve seen in ages who decides to tag along because she wants to make sure the chick is safe.


A practical guide for recognizing your slingers: Chatpter one - BIG FUCKING KNIFE

Here’s the thing, whoever wrote this half robot/ half turd (I call it a turdborg) must have been a guitar-obsessed freak. Van Damme’s name in the film is, get this, GIBSON RICKENBACKER! So he’s not named after one, but TWO guitars and the villain is named Fender Tremolo(the only way that name could have gotten worse is if it were Stratocaster). These are names you’d almost expect in Six String Samurai, had it not been a significantly classier action flick. But this is not a classy flick so we get Gibson v. Fender in a fight to the death. And believe you me they fight to the death.


Ladies and gentleman, the writer of Cyborg...makes a lot of sense now

Cyborg actually isn’t that bad as far as Van Damme films are concerned, but the premise, story and acting are sub-par at best and laughable at worst. This is the kind of film you’d watch with a bunch of friends and take a shot every time Van Damme mispronounces a word, looks unnecessarily pensive or makes a silly face while fighting. Make sure you have multiple bottles on hand because drinking will be done. It seems like a film that would be better drunk. Maybe I’ll try that one of these days and let you know.


I told you he was bad at his job, who gets crucified their first week?!

Till next time, Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch

-Moe

7 out of 10