Traxx

Traxx

The year was 1987 and some movie studio exec had this brilliant idea. “You know who’s famous?” he said “Shadoe Stevens?” his lackey responded. “Hmm, I was going to say Bea Arthur, but hey I think your idea would work much better for this action comedy I’m working on…Oh, by the way, you’re fired”. The rest is history. True story! HONEST! With that one incredibly true story the first steps were taken towards producing one of the funniest flicks I’ve seen in ages.

Most of the crudsicles I watch are funny, but it’s usually unintentional. Traxx was actually a comedy and managed to be consistently funny throughout. Shadoe Stevens plays the titular Traxx. He’s your run of the mill mercenary ex-cop who longs to be a cookie baker. You know the type. There is a small problem with his plan. His baking skills are sub par to say the least. We'll just leave it at this, he pulls more than one tray of cookies from the oven that are ON FIRE!

All in a day's work

The film opens on a pet store robbery currently in progress. Our man Traxx is a lowly police officer, but he decides he’s going to take it upon himself to end this thing. He hijacks a skateboard from a local tot and uses the help of a fellow officer to propel himself through the storefront window. He promptly dispatches one of the baddies and the other gives up. Or at least he tries to, but Traxx isn’t having any of that and tosses him his own revolver. There’s an impromptu duel and I’ll give you one guess who wins? This recklessness gets Traxx canned from his spot on the force. Like the box says Traxx ”knows nothing about the law, but everything about justice”. We’re then treated to a series of flashback vignettes giving us some history of the main character. It seems he spent a good part of his time in some jungle in one of several developing countries. It seems one day he just gets fed up and has the calmest explosion riddled conversation a person could ever have (seriously, bombs exploding fucking everywhere) with his friend (played by Robert Miano, the best cameo of the film). He decides it’s time to give up the life and settle down for some cookie baking.

MACH SCHNELL! but seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?!

After an undisclosed amount of time and oh so many failed attempts at creating the next greatest thing in cookies our man Traxx, by chance, overhears the town sheriff talking about something called “town tamers”. Town tamers apparently are people who come into a town and clean out all the trash (not garbage because garbage gets thrown out, but trash gets killed). Sensing a great way to make some cash Traxx tells the Sheriff that he’ll clear out the town’s seriously overactive criminal element for $10,000. The Sheriff laughs at him, but I guess Traxx takes this as a “yes” and starts cleaning up the trash littered streets. As Traxx begins to successfully clear out the rougher element the head of the crime syndicate (played masterfully by Robert Davi) catches wind of what’s going on and decides it’s time to take him out (even going so far as to call in a family of hitmen on a self imposed hiatus in Mexico). Basically the rest of the film consists of physical humor, explosions and some of the most confident examples of baddie-taking-outitude I’ve ever seen. A good chunk of the humor is derived from how good Traxx knows he is. He manages to take one bullet during the entire film and when he realizes he’s been shot he passes out from shock (personally I like to think that he passed out from the embarrassment of knowing that a bullet got by him).

He could make a film about him eating snails for 90 minutes and I'd watch it

Traxx is a must see flick. The action is over the top. The jokes actually pull off being funny and there’s brilliant cameo by “Famous” Amos who eats one of Traxx’s cookies at the end and promptly hurls. Speaking of which, some of the flavors he tries are just stomach turning; tuna, cough drop and laxative, Chili con cookie. YUCK! Priscilla Barnes has a great role in the flick as a horny mayor who accosts Traxx multiple times (and ultimately winds up with him) because she “can’t fornicate with the voters, it creates a conflict of interest”, so due to this bout of morality in a politician she hasn’t had sex in three years. Hell, I’d jump Traxx if I hadn’t had any in that long!

Who's that handsome devil with the fancy duds upon his back, IT'S TRAXX

So come for Traxx and stick around for the bomb helpfully labeled “This is a bomb” and remember Traxx’s three choices “Be good, Be gone or be ded(sic)” (he even clarifies for the home viewing audience it’s spelled “D-E-D”)

Watch this TONIGHT!

Drink up…I’ve got movies to watch!

-Moe