Darkman

MY box art at my TUMBLR

The problem with Darkman is this, it's not quite dark/gory/violent enough to appeal to the horror genre kids, but is too bleak and depressing to be appealing to comic book super hero fans. I state this is a problem, but not necessarily a bad thing. The combination of bleak, violent, dark, and depressing works perfectly to create a surprisingly fun Sam Raimi film. It defies genre definition by being original, but suffers accessibility in this.

Handsome

Darkman is the story of Dr Peyton Westlake (Liam Neeson, doing his finest 'Merican accent) a scientist working on an artificial skin for burn victims. Can we say “foreshadowing”?  Through no fault of his own winds up getting his lab(read: ass) BLOWED UP. When he wakes weeks later in the hospital he finds himself minus a large portion of his skin and any pain receptors. So now with his adrenaline fueled super strength and inability to feel pain he does what any other sane man would do. He sets up shop in an abandoned factory and continues his research/ plans his revenge. This is, of course, after he find the coolest hat and jacket combination in recorded history.

Classy

Turns out a baddie named Durant (played by the villainicious Larry Drake) is helping out the boss of Peyton's girlfriend to pay off key members of the building committee. I guess this is a bad thing because Peyton gets himself killed because of it. I really don't remember why they went after him and not his lady, Julie (Frances Mcdormand). I mean, it's HER fucking paper!

Jump to after the splosion and now Peyton (ne, Darkman) starts creating masks of the baddie's gang and using them against themselves in some truly inspired pranks. Durant kills off more of his own gang  due to Darkman's shenanigans than Darkman ever does. Eventually he even takes the guise of Durant himself to get him arrested so he can play dress up and steal more money from him. This leads to the inevitable scene of Durant and “Durant” yelling “kill him” “NO, kill HIM!” until Darkman's face melts off. That's the joy of having a 99 minute kill time, you melt in public, how embarrassing!



Julie discovers Peyton's deformities just in time  to be kidnapped by her boss. Julie is the nosiest bitch ever, she just HAS to find that “missing” memo again. Finish things out with one of the most action packed third acts I've ever seen, a fun (yet predictable) twist and a great rivet gun fight. Darkman is one for the ages. If you can get through the occasionally dull second act you won't be disappointed in the closer.

4 ½ “That would be...just fine”s out of 5

I Come In Peace (aka Dark Angel)

Drunk on VHS Box Art Gallery 

Dolph Lundgren is HUGE! You tend to forget how big this guy is until he's standing next to an average height guy like Brian Benben. Dolph next to Stallone is not a normal comparison Because Stallone is a midget! Benben on the other hand is 5' 8”, completely average and of average build. Dolph is a foot taller than him and twice as wide! He's like a living, breathing skyscraper! I wonder if he has a problem with fainting because the air is so thin up there. Oh course not, he's Dolph Fucking* Lundgren! (*citation needed, middle name may not actually be “Fucking”)

As it turns out, his middle name...is Dolph

I Come in Peace, for some reason called Dark Angel (a terrible name) everywhere except North America, is cops vs aliens. Lundgren is the standard “cop on the edge”, we find out he has recently disappeared for 8 days. They make a big deal out of it because according to the chief “a week would have been OK”. On a stakeout he notices a pair of poor schlubs robbing a local liquor store. While he's kicking the shit out of them the agent he was surveilling gets shot up by a ruthless gang of investment bankers called “The White Boys”. They get theirs soon enough when the bad alien (played by the always AWESOME Mathias Hues, in one of his very limited  roles on the big screen) takes them all out with a razor sharp and utterly deadly compact disc, a new technology back then! Jack Caine (Lundgren) gets back in time to discover everyone dead from mysterious causes and all the heroin is gone.

The name is dumb, but that box rules

The cantankerous police chief demands Jack take time off. The chief does this approximately 4 times during the movie, but Jack never seems to make it. I suppose it would have been a much duller film if he had. They could have called it “I Come To The Beach”. Thankfully for the viewing audience the alien keeps coming back to cause destruction and it's up to Caine and Smith (Benben) to save the day!
We learn from a good alien that the bad alien (to be called BA from now on) is injecting people with massive amounts of heroin to create endorphins.  If the universe were a trailer park, endorphins would be the Meth. The collection method for these endorphins is so brutal it makes me squirm in my seat a little.

Stabby Stabby

I love pretty much everything about this flick. Dolph plays Jack with a mellow cool and Benben is a perfect counterpoint to him with his wound too tight FBI agent, Smith. Hues destroys as the BA, he says one line in the film and yet maintains such a high level of threat and menace you know you'd shit yourself if you encountered him in real life. The dialog can be a little groan heavy at times, but I can't hold that against it. That's just how movies were then, 10 minutes of action to one groan worthy line was the golden ratio. I Come In Peace is a great flick to gather a bunch of friends together, drink a lot of hooch and laugh for an hour and a half at. You'll be quoting the climactic one liner for the rest of your life. “I come in peace” “and you go in pieces, asshole” delivered like a boss!

5 Brutal Head Stabbings out of 5    

Fireback

Check out my VHS box art collection at http://drunkonvhs.tumblr.com/

Allow me to pose a question to you. Do you enjoy movies that are pure insanity? Do you like storylines so flimsy and paper thin that a stiff wind could knock it over? How about GIGANTIC “Swiss Army” guns? What about horrible overdubbing? Then Brother have I got a movie for you!

Here's a bit o' the plot for ya: Fireback is the story of Jack (Richard Harrison), ambushed during the war he's brought home near death. Upon recovery he discovers his wife has been kidnapped and from there it's a punch-guys-in-the-face fest till Jack gets his motherfuckin answers! One clue after another lead Jack in an increasingly bizarre wild goose chase. Once the baddie Duffy Collins, in what is inarguably the single worst villain name in history, finds out that Jack is after him he kills Jack's wife and then the shit REALLY hits the fan. For some reason I think Duffy thinks that Jack will relent because his wife is dead. NOPE! Jack continues right on with his brutality Circus taking out hired thugs, goons, hitmen, a man with a golden claw and eventually A NINJA!!!

Though not this ADORABLE

Finally taking out Duffy you'd think that would be the perfect place to end right? Duffy gets his comeuppance and jack lives happily ever after? No that would make too much sense, The Filmmaker decides to tack on a post plot paragraph of exposition explaining that Jack later went on the lamb and was eventually captured by the police and DIED IN JAIL DUE TO A HEART DEFECT!!! WHAT?! The movie was all fists and guns till that last bit of reading and they end it on such a downer, so not only does Duffy die (as he should) and Jack's wife dies, but JACK dies as well. You can't make this shit up! Oh wait, THEY DID!

Fireback is a movie and a half, watching the trailer you'd think it was just another mindless war-in-the-jungle film, but that's really just the first 20 minutes or so. It's also the only time we see the gun from the front cover. It makes a very brief appearance, but does get used! Blows shit up real good too (read that in a southern accent). It's a shame really because it's featured so prominently on the box and I was really looking forward to seeing it destroy an entire Army. I can tell you, however, that one of it's finest selling points is a scope with 5X ZOOM! OH YEAH?! AWESOME! My Red Rider BB gun had one too.

The rest of the story takes place back home, which in this case I'm assuming is south east Asia. It's a pretty wacky plot with some really silly acting and/or overdubbing. There's a great character whose name eludes me at the moment (he's the one black guy in the film) and every time he's walking anywhere he's scatting and jiving to himself like an old minstrel show. I'd say it was racist, but I think you have to have some self awareness to truly be racists. I think the producers just thought that's how “the blacks”(I assume that's how they'd say it) talk over here in the US of A. There's a stripper who manages to take clothes off and still be as dressed as she was when she started. And did I mention the man with the golden claw?

The plot is insane. The acting is insane. The dubbing is over-the-top insane. Fireback is a must see

5 X Zoom out of 5

Switchblade Sisters

Switchblade Sisters

The Dagger Debs are pretty vicious, callous and downright mean, and those are their GOOD qualities! Their leader Lace, played by the adorable Robbie Lee, lacks the ability to open her mouth and subsequently hisses and snarls every single word out of her mouth. Try talking without moving your jaw; I assure you you’ll end up sounding like Edward G Robinson before long. The Debs have an easy life, they rob, and they pilfer and loot poor unsuspecting truancy officers and hang with their boyfriends in the Daggers.

Adorable, but deadly

In a fortuitous case of wrong place/wrong time the Debs start a brawl at a hot dog joint and the “innocent” Maggie finds herself in the clink with the rest of the Debs. She quickly befriends Lace and before too long she’s in the Debs and being raped by Lace’s douchebag boyfriend Mungo…or something like that, he’s dead soon anyway so who cares. In a plot out of Shakespeare a twisted game of cloak and dagger (pun intended) ends with half the Daggers being gunned down in what was an attempt on Maggie’s life. Lace gets knocked around, Dom (Mungo) gets shot and killed, despite all this, Hook (named for his horribly bent John Thomas), otherwise known as Bob on that 70’s show survives to cower another day.

You get NOTHING donut!

Maggie pounces on this opportunity while Lace is incapacitated and the Gang secedes from the Daggers and changes its name to The Jezebels. They enlist the help of the militant “black panther” type gang to help take out the rival gang that gunned down the Daggers. Turns out Maggie had a case of the Jungle Fever, which apparently is all it takes to get a gang of white hating chicks to help a bunch of ignorant white chicks. This is the least believable part of the film, yup you heard that right, THIS is the least believable part of the film! 

This is what inspires the wrath of the Jezebels! THIS!

I’d feel bad if I ruined the incredible climax of the film for you, but rest assured it involves backstabbing and what can arguably be the greatest “advice” ever given to a cop “keep your ass off our turf, or WE’LL BLOW IT OFF! Ya dig?”

Switchblade Sisters (aka The Jezebels) is rife with amazingly brutal and violent dialog spewing forth from attractive women’s mouths. It pulls no punches in its harshness and leaves an amazing taste in your mouth which will leave you yearning for more amazing Jack Hill writing. The Script is one of the most quotable I’ve ever seen

“Like my dad used to say, God rest his ass...”

“Everybody knows your crank can hook a tuna.”

“Get your hands off me, you fat pig dyke!’

And the classic…

“If you go, it’s gonna turn out baaaad”

Art from exploitation

If you’re at all familiar with Jack Hill’s work, and if you’re not then you’re no friend of mine, then you will love every minute of Switchblade Sisters. It’s a joy from the second it starts to the moment it ends with a surprising lack of drag that this genre is notorious for. Check it out today and if you’ve already seen it…WATCH IT AGAIN!

5 out of 5!

Pajama Jammie Jam Drinking Game

It's a pretty well known fact that I am a fan of booze so it only seems to make sense that I would one day create a drinking game for a shitty movie to help make it better.

My first attempt, created with the help of my lady Jill, is for House Party 2: The Pajama Jam

The Rules:
Black Jesus! - 1 Full Drink!

When they say "Pajama Jammie Jam" - 1 Full Drink
(a full beer, full shot, full glass or wine, whatever)

Any Synchronized Dancing - 1 Drink
(a sip, a gulp, don't finish your drink)

Kid and Play Synchronized Dancing - Finish your Drink!

Kid or Play Called by their real names (I.E. Chris) - 1 Drink

Were they called by their surnames? - That deserves a drink

OH NOES! Relationship turmoil with Tisha Campbell - 1 Drink

A Sexual Advance is spurned? that's a drink - 1 Drink

Does it result in Jamal getting slapped? Take another!

WHOOPIE! - DRINK! (finish it)

Awkward or unnecessary sex - 1 Sip

Jerk off Motion WITH sound effect! - 1 Drink

Play hits on a girl - 1 Drink

She Rejects him - take another

A real performer performs for real - 1 Drink

Is is Tony Toni Tone? Did I say one? make it three!

Was that a reference to the first movie? 1 Drink

Was it about "Pops"? - Take another

Is Play fingering a wad of cash OR Chomping on an unlit cigar? 1 Drink

Zora Cock Blocking? - 1 Sip (she does this a LOT)

GET IT!

HAVE FUN!

This Movie Ain't Worth $10!

To paraphrase a brilliant man, the movie rent is too damn high! As films get bigger and (supposedly) better and Thrust into the third dimension more and more I find myself often wondering if the film is even worth the money I'm paying to see it. A lot of the time I can easily justify the money, it's a night out on the town with friends enjoying a film and popcorn and snackies. Who wouldn't love that, an asshole...that's who!

TOO DAMN HIGH!

So for the last year or so when I go to the movies I often discuss with my cohorts if the movie was worth what you paid for it. Obviously a $10 dollar movie needs to justify $10 spent, what criteria was used? Would you watch it again? Should it have even made it to the big screen in the first place? I can't even begin to tell you how many "straight to video" films I've seen on the big screen. And lastly how much would you pay to see it a second time. My local theater does a $5 movie night on Tuesdays so it's very realistic that we could see a new release on friday and then watch it again at the cheap movie night the following Tuesday.

This cinematic speculation is fascinating sometimes to see what people thought made the film worth it. Usually this involves lines like "Well it had Ray Stevenson and he destroys" or "Eva Mendes has a great ass" (AKA the perfect ass defense and is also an immediate justification), but every now and again someone will bust out with some minute detail that adds another quarter of worth to the flick. It's rare for me to give a movie a 0 out of 5 stars, but it's even more rare for me to give a film the ever dreaded $0 out of $10. Even the most notorious of my film reviews, Bride Wars, was probably worth a dime or 2 (though would likely take a lot of convincing).

Worth like...$.05?

Some of my favorite post film discussions are the ones where we try to decide if it should have even been made for the big screen in the first place. The Book of Eli is an amazing example of a farm league film being called up to the majors because it had a particularly good short stop. Sorry Denzel, but you have one character you play in different situations and maybe it's time you took your proper place in the minors and let some quality B listers take the reins. I'm sure Bosh could make a list of 50 STV action stars that would have done a better job in Book of Eli. I'm not gonna just make fun of the bad films, The Expendables is the biggest budget, most badass straight to video film I'm ever seen. It was amazing to see it on the big screen, but that could have come out 2 decades ago in an awesome Media designed box. From Paris with Love could have gone straight to video; Wolfman, Brooklyn's Finest, Cop Out? All are fine examples of movies that probably shouldn't have seen a big screen. In a few of those cases I have to admit that I'm glad they made it to the big show and now that I've exhausted my knowledge of baseball expressions, I'll digress.

...of ideas

How much would pay to see it a second time? Usually posed as a means to see how long you'd be willing to wait for a second viewing. $5 means you'd like to see it again soon, 2009 was my year for $5 films. I saw Distrist 9 and Inglourious Basterds in theaters twice, 2 may not sound like much, but at the time I was dead broke and saving every penny to try and see a new movie every week in theaters. $3.50 means you'd be willing to wait till it comes to video stores, though the rising of netflix means the $3.50 answer doesn't really happen anymore. and obviously there's free, which now means netflix, but used to mean you'd wait till it was available in the library for free or on cable.

A 2 Sitter

So what are some films you thought were totally worth the money? Or films you felt should have been straight to video? What are you typically willing to spend to see a movie a second time?

-Moe

My Personal Top 5 Podcasts

As a podcast host myself, I listen to an ungodly number of podcasts. I enjoy them more than TV sometimes. I ride my bike/bus to work everyday and so I have a lot of time to listen to these things. I'm sure as avid readers of mine and listeners of my show you'd love to hear about what shows I listen to regularly...

So without further interruption here are the top 5 podcasts...according to me.  You may be asking yourself why should you care which podcasts I like? FUCK YOU, that's why!

5.) The Pod F Tompkast - Funnyman Paul F. Tompkins has finally answered the sirens call that is, the comedy podcast. Being only 5 episodes in makes this one an easy choice because I can still remember every episode so far. Paul eschews the traditional "man with a mic" podcast format and rather sets his show up like it's some kind of bawdy night of fun. Mixing his stand up with skits and humorous monologues Tompkins manages to keep the audience's attention for the full length of the show.

4.) Tell 'em Steve Dave - Brian Johnson (Kevin Smith film regular) hosts this, one of the MANY Smodcast network shows, seriously there's like 12 of them. TESD spends a lot of time on the rocky and sometimes downright cruel relationship between Brian and his lady. The only reason why i wouldn't/couldn't recommend Steve Dave to any, but the most avid podcast listeners is the exceptionally long run time of the show. Usually running in around an hour and a half per episode, it can run as long as two hours. A very funny show regardless. (Note: Smodcast is actually a better show, but if you've heard Kevin Smith talk about Kevin Smith then there's no need for further explanation.)

3.) Doug Loves Movies - Super High Me's Doug Benson hosts this wacky movie podcast. Typically taped live in front of an audience after Comedy Death Ray, Doug invites several of his comedian friends on and they discuss new releases and movies they've recently watched. The crowning achievement of DLM is the Leonard Maltin Game, it's sort of like "name that tune" but with IMDB movie lists. Doug uses choice quotes from Maltin reviews as hints and then they have to guess in how many names can they guess the movie in. The best part is when Doug gets angry with the guests for having to repeat the rules incessantly during the course of the game.

2.) WTF with Marc Maron - I have to admit I was never into Marc Maron as a comedian, but I also have to admit that I love listening to his tirades and diatribes. WTF is typically played out in two parts; the first bit is Marc discussing recent events in his life or pulling one man skits. The second act is when he has his guest on and they discuss whatever comes to mind. His banter with his guests is superb and he really knows how to keep the flow moving.

1.) Nerdist - Chris Hardwick is quickly become one of the best interviewers in the business. The Spry and quick witted host of G4's Web Soup is engrossing to listen to and hilarious with a joke. Nerdist, as you can guess, likes to delve into the world of nerdery quite a bit, but most often is Chris discussing his life long love affair with comedy. If you ever wondered how to break in to the world of comedy then Nerdist may very be the show for you. Hardwick loves to discuss with his guests who their inspiration have been and how they broke in to the biz. Nerdist does keep it real on the nerd front too though, just check out his amazing interview with Mythbuster Adam Savage or with the 11th Doctor Matt Smith for prime examples.

If 5 is too many shows to check out (I listen to 11, so stop being a pussy!) and you just want to check out one, I'd say go with Nerdist. Unless you're a stoner and then Doug Loves Movies might be your best bet.



On a final note about podcasts, Season 2 of Drunk on VHS will begin airing soon sop keep your ears out for that one!

-Moe