Black Dynamite - KUNG FU TREACHERY!

I may not have been old enough in the 70’s to appreciate blaxploitation in all its glory, but I am huge fan of the genre. I’ve seen all the classics and a large number of the not so classics. From Truck Turner to Coffey to Friday Foster to Petey Wheatstraw the devil’s son in law to the movie that started it all, Sweet Sweetback’s Baadaaasssss Song. Black Dynamite is nothing like any of these films, but also just like all of them. The spoof genre is sadly all too alive and well these days with a million and one “*insert genre here* movie”. Black Dynamite does one thing those movies all failed to do. It succeeds in being hilarious. It manages the tone, the pace, the style and the dialog of the classic blaxploitation films, but turns them just far enough onto its ear to make them funny as hell. The one other such spoof “I’m gonna git you sucka” is also hilarious, but fails in nailing the look quite as well as Black Dynamite does.

Black Dynamite opens with a fake malt liqueur add for “Anaconda malt liqueur “it gives you Oooooooooo!!!”(This is important later in the film so try to remember it). Then it immediately lets you in on the main story, in which Black Dynamite’s (an almost unrecognizable Michael jai white) brother Jimmy is murdered in a drug deal and it’s up to BD to find out what happened. The story is secondary to the satire and in this case that’s fine. Black Dynamite has everything you’d want in a blaxploitation spoof; bad dialog, visible boom mics, flubbed lines, pimps, hoes, martial arts, insane character names (bullhorn, cream corn, Chicago wind, and many many more) gangsters, black militants, crooked cops, etc etc. The other thing Black Dynamite has going for it is that it’s the single most quotable movie ever, I thoroughly suspect that if you watch this with a crowd of people you’ll all be saying stuff like “I AM smiling”, “KUNG FU TREACHERY”, “I threw that shit before I even walked through the door”, “I said URINE SAMPLE Jenny”, “but black dynamite, I sell drugs in the community” and “CREAM CORN NOOOOOO!!!!!!”.



Black Dynamite actually manages to succeed in a few areas where the originals failed as well. The dialog, albeit funny as hell, is also dead on accurate to the genre and the storyline is actually better than most of the original movies. I guess if you cram all the clichés of a genre into one movie you sometimes wind up making the best movies in said genre. The other area where it beats out the originals is that Michael jai white is actually an amazing martial artist. The stunts in the film are superb and even manage to pull off several sight gags during them. Now here’s my warning though, I think if you aren’t a fan of the blaxploitation genre you’re more than likely not going to get all the jokes, BUT, I also think the movie is funny enough on it’s own that this shouldn’t be an issue and the climax has to be seen to be believed. Let’s just say the conspiracy goes all the way to the top and the “conspiracy” itself is probably the best joke in the film. So go watch the trailer, if you laugh at all during the trailer you WILL like the film. I LOVED IT. Come for the jokes, stay for the action and while you’re waiting help yourself to one of the best Dolemite clones I’ve seen in a while (bullhorn) and remember “There’s no “i” in revoluti…no “i” in team”


(bullhorn is on the right)

5 nefarious government plots out of 5

Next Up: Julie and Julia - seems fitting after Black Dynamite...right?

P.S. this is seriously the funniest movie I’ve seen in 2009, if I had seen this before I made my best of list this would have been on it.

My Year in Disturbing Films: Week One! - The Begining of My End!

My year in disturbing film is my new weekly column where I devote a few paragraphs to the most fucked up films ever made. Each week I plan on subjecting myself to the most horrific and mentally damaging imagery my mind can handle. I can't promise you this won't be the week I wind up in the hospital...

Here is a reminder about my rating system for these films

The first attempt to damage my psyche irreversibly:


I spit on your grave – a grave experiment

What is the movie about?
Not much in the way of story in this one. A female author goes to the country to work on her book. She’s from New York, a fact that the guys in this film can’t let go of. “You come from an evil place”, quips Matthew, the mildly retarded character, but more on him later. She catches the fancy of the aforementioned guys and when she spurns their advances, they gang rape her, brutally. She recovers while they think she’s dead and she takes her revenge. This film takes the actions speak louder than words disturbitude.

Was the film disturbing?
The jaded observer could argue that by today’s standards the film is downright tame. I prefer to think of what the layperson would think of this, someone who doesn’t spend their days watching this kind of filth and depravity (I do speak of myself here). So to this end I invited a couple of friends to watch it with me. This film does have many aspects of it that are very disturbing when you think about them. It boasts the longest gang rape scene ever filmed. I have a film later in the year that may have the longest one on one rape scene ever filmed. I chose this film to do first because it deals with a topic I personally find very hard to watch and one, which comes up many times in this year of disturbing films. That of course being rape, rape is used in these films because it should evoke the basest of emotions and get you behind the woman who was raped when she seeks her revenge.

The other topic this film touches on, but in a much more comical sense is the mentally handicapped. Only one male character is portrayed as weak and not in control of what he’s doing and this is the mentally challenged Matthew. He’s the fall guy, the butt of every joke and surprisingly, the reason this whole event takes place. At the beginning of the film he delivers groceries to the woman, he finds her attractive and when he goes back to his friends brags that she showed him her breasts. It’s at this point that the guys decide to do poor Matthew a favor and get the girl for him. Their attempts to pick her up are described sarcastically by one friend as “the definition of subtle”. One day the woman is sunbathing lying in her canoe and the guys decided it would be fun to drag her off downriver.

This is where the gang rape scene begins; they start off by taunting Matthew to rape her. They did get her for him after all. When he doesn’t do it, the leader of the group (Johnny) decides to do it himself. Then they let her go and she stumbles through the woods a little bit, naked and dirty. She thinks she’s gotten away and she stumbles across the guys again where the next guy (Andy) promptly rapes her by having the other guys hold her over a rock. Squirming yet? Because it’s only half over, Sorry. At this point they leave her again and steal her boat so she can’t use it. She manages to make it back to her home and gets to the phone to call the police, GUESS WHAT? They’re there and this time Matthew decides he’s going to go through with it and does a strip tease while the other guys hoot and holler, but can’t finish because everyone is watching him. Stanley, the last guy (seriously, who wants to go FOURTH in a gang rape?), he goes a different route with it and orally rapes her, then beats her to a pulp. They leave, yet again; only this time when they get outside Johnny finally comes to the realization that they can’t let her live. So you already know whom they send in to kill her, yup, Matthew. He chickens out and just wipes some of her blood on the knife and tells the guys he did it. This was a big mistake; only he doesn’t know it yet.

Not sure if I mentioned it, but the entire rape scene, or all four really, is approximately 28 minutes. That’s a lot of chair squirming, made me feel like Nicholas cage in the trailer for 8mm.

Two weeks go by and, as if superhuman, she heals entirely, no bruising, no scars (that’s not true, she had a scar in one scene, but it goes away somehow). Really it is amazing how fully healed she is, I blame it on movie magic. The revenge half of this movie is much easily to watch than the rape scene, though one scene does make you squirm quite a bit, especially if you’re a guy, more on that in a minute. Let’s start this where she does…

Matthew, poor Matthew, he just liked this girl and didn’t know how to express himself. Did he truly deserve what he gets? Of course he does, she lures him to her house, not very hard since he’s her grocery delivery boy. Offers him sex, has sex with him, then puts a noose around the poor bastard’s neck and hangs the son of a bitch. Remember that I spit.. is a feminist piece so I will be using man hating phrasing for this half of the review. Next up is Johnny, she lures him off to the woods and is going to shoot him, too good of a fate if you ask me! He somehow talks her out of it by explaining to her how she’s a whore (?) and she takes him home to give him a bath, yes you read that right, she takes him home to give him a bath. Of course this is where her true plot comes out and once she has him relaxed she begins to pleasure him with her hand and once he puts his head back in relaxation the prick loses his. A hard scene to watch (pun intended), as the blood shoots out and he realizes what has happened. She locks him in the bathroom and he bleeds out

At this point there’s only about 9 minutes left to the film so it becomes obvious that the final kills have to happen simultaneously and the filmmakers don’t disappoint. She takes Andy out with a conveniently dropped axe, that he conveniently dropped in her boat and Stanley gets his guts ripped out with a motorboat propeller in a scene that would have much better with modern special FX, but they did well with what they had. After Stanley dies she rides off down the river. Credits roll, leaving my other friend to ask the one question on everyone’s mind “but does she finish her book?”

5 bathtub castrations our of 5

Disturbitude: 7, due to the rape and the castration scenes, the rest of the movie is tame enough to let you mellow out between the two big events. No need for therapy after this one.

Next up: Murder-Set-Pieces - Dieser Film ist Schlecht

Introduction/ a brief explanation of disturbitude and a warning!

Welcome my friends to my year in disturbing movies. Allow me, if you will in this weekly segment, to bombard your brain with some of the most disturbing imagery that some of the most disturbing filmmakers have ever put to celluloid. I bet you’re wondering why I would put myself through this sort of thing. I like to test myself; I’ve put myself through marathons of terrible movies on purpose. I’ve watched all the police academy films in one day. It’s just something I enjoy doing. It’s a great challenge and an honor to find the worst of the worst in disturbing cinema and put myself through it and then report to you my findings. I will admit a lot of these films I’ve seen already, but that’s how I know they’re so screwed up.

Disturbitude is a scale I created to describe the attitude of a disturbing film. How much is a filmmaker trying to get you in therapy? How successful are they? This all boils down to a 1-10 scale where 1 = either trying really hard and failing miserably, or not trying at all and 10 = mission accomplished, you’ll be checking in to the local mental health care facility after you’ve watched this, or perhaps even during.

A WARNING! – There will be spoilers in my reviews; I will be going into great detail of the disturbing scenes I will be watching. I do not, however, feel this is a bad thing because we all know that with this sort of thing, seeing is believing!

Also if you like what you read and feel that you have people who would enjoy my year in disturbing film or any of my film reviews, please feel free to pass this page on to them.

World's Greatest Dad - Profound

Let me pose a question; is it all right to lie if the lie turns out to be beneficial to a lot of people? Maybe I can explain that better. Lets say there’s this kid and no one likes him. He’s a pervert who’s borderline mentally handicapped. He is what most people would refer to as a douche bag. His favorite thing in life is a vagina, though it is a safe assumption that he’s a virgin. This boy likes to experiment while masturbating and peeps on his neighbors while they’re changing. Now let’s say in the act of autoerotic asphyxiation he accidentally kills himself. Ok now let’s say you’re the boy’s father and in one last act of kindness you decide to pen a suicide note for the boy and make it all seem like he was a tortured soul. The note leaks and people ask if the boy has written anything else. You, as the boy’s father, decide to take up the pen once again and write a journal for your now practically worshipped, completely idolized son….


(a new teen sensation or a twisted little pervert)

Here’s the basic dilemma in world’s greatest dad. No one likes Kyle Clayton. No one even particularly likes Kyle’s father Lance (Robin Williams). The story noted above takes place and this note and journal begin to affect people. One boy finds the courage to admit that he’s gay and later admits that he contemplated suicide, but the note and journal stopped him from doing it. The token Goth girl posthumously falls in love with Kyle. His image adorns everyone and practically everything in the school and they even want to rename the library after him. Now I pose the question again, Is it all right to maintain a lie when it’s creating a positive benefit for the masses? This is not a question for me to answer though, it can only be answered by one man, Lance Clayton and answer it he does.

Now here’s my aggravation, Robin Williams was in two movies in 2009. Bet you didn’t know that? I know you’ve heard of one of them, old dogs. A film that looked so bad just seeing the trailer made me angry and world’s greatest dad. Robin Williams has been around for a long time, He’s paid his dues and frankly should be at a point in his career where he shouldn’t have to make crapfests like old dogs. Especially when he’s proven on at least a couple of occasions that the man can act, given the right material (I’m looking right at you fisher king and one hour photo). Robin Williams plays dark beautifully and in this, writer and director Bobcat Goldthwait’s newest (yes THAT Bobcat Goldtwait) film he proves once again that he can play comedy serious and not ham it up.

Goldtwait proves that when a man knows his own material inside and out it’s only he who can evoke the emotional response required for any particular scene. He does a outstanding job with the direction in world’s greatest dad and I’m personally looking forward to seeing more work from him. To think that this is the man who spent years of his career screaming and talking funny as the punch line to his joke. Actually his small cameo in the film he speaks perfectly normal and I was almost a little weirded out by that, expecting him to bust in like his Zed character on police academy. I suppose I’ll just have to get over that on my own time.

World’s greatest dad is a profound and heart wrenching dark comedy by a man taking his first steps towards his future status as master of his craft. Let’s hope he doesn’t follow this up with a sequel to hot to trot.

5 accidental suicides out of 5

Next up: We’ll see, I’ve got several to choose from, but most likely black dynamite!

P.S. I just snapped some nice up skirt photos and I’m gonna choke myself while I masturbate to them, dial 9 and 1 and if I look like I pass out dial the other 1. Thanks.

Sherlock Holmes - for the holidays

yes it's a tad homoerotic


Some can argue that guy Ritchie hasn’t had a real hit since 2000’s Snatch. The one thing that can’t be argued is that Guy Ritchie has always been Guy Ritchie. Say what you want, but he has a distinct visual style that pops off the screen. There are few directors in the business these days who can say the same, Maybe Wes Anderson and as much as I hate to say it, Michael Bay.

Ritchie’s Vision of Holmes is a sight to behold on a big screen. I had some mild trepidation going into this one because the trailers really make it out to be a Jerry Bruckheimer film full of chase scenes and explosions. I’m happy to say this isn’t the case and exposition takes center stage throughout. That’s not to say there are none, but they’re done tastefully and only when appropriate to the story. Speaking of which…

If you didn’t know who Sherlock Holmes was before beginning this review I suggest maybe not worrying about the film so much and picking up a book. They’re well worth the read, especially if you like a good mystery, just making a suggestion. Anyway, our good man Holmes and his right hand man/Boswell Dr. Watson have just captured Lord Blackwood (Mark Strong) and he is to be put to death. His final wish is to see Holmes, Blackwood tells him that he will return from the dead and continue his work in the dark arts. That’s the entire movie, that one previous line is essentially the entire plot to the film and the devil’s in the details. The thing that was always so great about Sherlock Holmes and I feel Guy Ritchie hits this nail right on the head is that he can deduce the infinite out of the infinitesimal. By the third act things should be clicking in your head and you should be putting everything together. It’s not an incredibly complicated mystery and some details are specifically left out (as Holmes was apt to do) so that when they are revealed you say to yourself “so THAT’S why he was licking the rock” or whatever he happened to have done.

Sherlock Holmes in the books was described by Watson as “bohemian” with little care for traditional organizational habits or grooming. So in that I applaud Robert Downey Jr. in his portrayal and besides whom better to play a borderline madman genius with issues. Another forgotten and mostly overlooked aspect of Holmes is that he was the first western martial artist. Holmes was a practitioner of an eclectic and odd little gem of a form known as Bartitsu (or as it was called in Doyle’s books Baritsu). Jude Law as Watson seems a perfect fit as well; he plays the equal parts keen observer and naïve dupe eloquently. I was glad to see Mark Strong; he’s one of those actors you know his face and you’ve seen him before, but you just don’t remember his name. Well remember it; I’m hoping that this helps him get more high profile gigs because he deserves it.


this face

Sherlock Holmes may not be Ritchie’s best film, but it’s a perfect litmus test to see what Ritchie can do with a bigger budget. I would definitely recommend it, though it’s not entirely important you see it in theaters.

4 Genius Madmen out of 5

Next Up: I Spit on your Grave – FINALLY MY YEAR IN DISTURBING FILM BEGINS!

P.S. then after that Daybreakers or perhaps my first SWV of the year!

P.P.S. you can check out this great article on cracked about Arthur Conan Doyle and Sherlock Holmes here

Miss March – HORSEDICK (DOT) MPEG

I’m not gonna lie. I had kinda high hopes for Miss March. I’m a fan of the show the whitest kid u’know and Trevor Moore and Zach Cregger are the two main writers on that so it’s a bit disappointing that this was such a colossal turd. Speaking of shit, I hope you like incontinence humor because there’s plenty of it. Its spread all over this bagel like, well like bird shit pushed around with your windshield wipers. Oddly enough that’s pretty much the only shit joke left out of this one.

The “story” is that of a young abstinent Eugene Bell (Cregger) and his virginal girlfriend. They decide that they’re finally going to take the plunge and make whoopee for the first time after prom. Tucker (moore) is Eugene’s best friend, he’s also horny as hell and lacks the social skills to land all but the most desperate of women. Tucker decides that the best way to get prepared for his first time is with a couple of shots, but keeps them coming and eventually poor Eugene finds himself at the bottom of a set of stairs...with a toolbox about to land on his head…followed by the bookshelf everything was sitting on. Fast forward four years and Eugene is waking from a coma. Tucker figured the easiest way to wake him is with a well placed crack with a bat. Oh did I mention that this is less than twenty minutes into the film and the one real laugh of the film has already taken place. I forgot to mention it, well really I didn’t. You see, Eugene and Tucker have this friend Phil who is an aspiring rapper who named himself “HORSEDICK.MPEG” (played by the only talented actor in this thing, Craig Robinson).



So yeah Tuckers first thought is to bring Eugene to the playboy mansion after he wakes up because they find out Eugene’s girlfriend became a playboy playmate (the titular Miss March). To fill the time between Eugene’s awaken the boys are chased by crazed firemen. Why are they being chased by crazed firemen? Thought you’d never ask because this part is probably the most deplorable part of the film. Apparently Tucker is dating a girl with epilepsy; he’s clueless to what this condition is, but is quick to correct people when they call her “handicapped” well they go out for the 13 month anniversary of the day they first “boned”. He has this whole plan to get more sex and once she’s delivering oral pleasure this is when he figures it would be the best time to show her the strobe light he installed. Yeah THAT happens and now she’s clamped down so he figures the best way to get her off is to stab her in the face with a fork, repeatedly. Her brother is an insane fireman so he puts out an “APB”, didn’t realize firemen could do that.

So there you go, a movie filled with poop and seizure blowjobs and one funny character name HORSEDICK.MPEG, the end. I looked on IMDB for some memorable quotes and there weren’t any. Seemed fitting.

1 HORSEDICK.MPEG out of 5

Next up: probably Sherlock Holmes, unless I try to add more movies to my worst of the year list

P.S. I need a shower after watching this

Avatar – Sexy blue cat people affect my bathing suit area

Let’s take a look back on the long and highly impressive career of Mr. James Cameron. In the course of 5 years in the eighties the man made 3 of the most recognizable names in Sci-Fi and action. The Terminator, Still my favorite of the 37 terminator movies (around that many, right?). Then he takes the reins from Ridley Scott to make Aliens, considered by many to be the best in the series. Lastly he gives us The Abyss, a classic through and through. On this alone Cameron could have easily rested on his laurels and never made another film, but rest he did not. He went on to make T2, True lies (maybe not he best work, but hey you gotta admit it’s a fun little flick) and Titanic amongst others.

A lot of people looked at his more recent work in drawing their conclusions about Avatar, Cameron’s newest. Big mistake people! James Cameron has already proven to us that he’s a master of sci-fi and he doesn’t disappoint with Avatar. Before I get going too far into the review I should note that I saw Avatar in 2-D and not in IMAX so all my opinions are based on my personal experience.

Cameron does not give you a moment to think. He immediately throws you on Pandora a small moon smaller than earth that can support life, just not ours. The atmosphere on Pandora is said to “knock you out in 20 seconds and 4 minutes later you’ll be dead”. Jake Sully (Sam Worthington) had a twin brother, he died. This is a good thing for the recently paralyzed Jake because The Corporation his brother was working for has offered him the opportunity to earn some cash and even the surgery to get his legs back. You see, they made this little avatar thing specifically for his brother and now he’s dead. The only person who can control the avatar is the person it was made for, except in this case due to him being a twin, lucky right? Unfortunately, this is about the point where you’re going to start piecing the story together. It’s pretty derivative. Essentially it’s Dune, but who wouldn’t want to watch Dune again. Especially with a cast that features Sigourney Weaver, Zoe Saldana, Michele Rodriguez, Giovanni Ribisi, Joel Moore and the incredibly badass Stephan Lang as Col. Miles Quaritch. The Col. Is the type of hard ass military man that should he find himself on fire, he might put it out as an afterthought, but only once he’s completed his objective.

The main reason why anyone is watching this is the visual FX. I have to say I was completely floored by just how great everything looked in this film. IT better look great, Cameron certainly spent enough spare change on it. Avatar is truly a film a decade in the making. Pandora is not just a set; it is a living breathing and, most importantly, feeling world. It is a world deeper than anything George Lucas has ever managed and is easily on par with middle earth (Weta worked on the FX so I cannot wait to see what else those kiwis can pull off). The natives of Pandora, a sort of giant blue cat people called the Na’vi. They can commune with nature through their tails and maintain a peaceful coexistence with the world around them. The Na’vi culture is so rich that is oozes on the screen. Many of their beliefs are taken from the Gnostics and Taoist spiritualism and hammered into place with a healthy dose of environmentalism.

The humans are there to find a rare and insanely expensive ore called Unobtanium (I’m guessing the pun is intended, everything else in the movie is). We’re the bad guys; this point is pretty much drilled into your head form moment one. And of course if we’re the baddies that means the head baddie is our good friend Col. Quaritch. One thing can be said for the good Colonel, The man is the sickest fucker in the film. You’re going to be on the edge of the seat every time he’s on screen; you ain’t ever seen a character like this. I now have a costume idea for next year, now where do I find a large cat to claw my head?



I’ve been asked if I felt the film was “anti-america”. I always reply “no” I think Cameron lets a lot of his political views find their way onto screen and there are some pretty obvious correlations made in the film, but when you step back and think about it most of the fuss makes little sense. It’s not a government starting a war for a hard to come by commodity; it’s a huge corporation with their own army of ex-military mercenaries. Regardless that’s a very little thing to quibble over. This is a “must see in theaters” movie, from what I’ve heard it’s preferable to see it in 3-D and I may try to make my way to a 3-d IMAX to see it again, but till then just know that it’s a pretty brilliant film featuring creatures that will bring back inappropriate memories of you masturbating to a certain female Thundercat when you were eleven in your old family home with the door that had no lock so you had to worry that someone might walk in on you. Oh and yes I DO have vivid memories of YOUR childhood home, I’m not talking about myself….I swear.

don't look at me like that Neytiri

4 ½ feral cat people out of 5

Next up: Sherlock Holmes and if we’re lucky the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus

P.S. I need a cigarette…..